Dr D and I talked about how I’m affected by what happened to me. I really just want to curl up and block everything out, I told him. He’s concerned.
I feel a lot of fear. I also feel as if there’s a lot of pressure to be supportive of other survivors. It feels as if it’s expected. I’m older. I’ve been through a lot of therapy. There are things I could offer her that might help her get through her situation. I feel guilty for not offering an ear, like I’m letting down a survivor. Dr D reminded me that I’m not the only source of encouragement or experience and it’s not wrong to care for myself when necessary. Right now it feels like offering an ear to her would come at a cost I can’t afford to pay.
Dr D suggested that I try to compartmentalize my assault back in August. Through visualization I’ll put it in a box and bury it someplace safe. When I need to deal with it I’ll do visualization to get it out and then do the same process and return it to a safe place. This way it’s not affecting my every thought and my health.
Dr D said that if thoughts become intrusive I can gently push them away and remind myself that I will deal with it in therapy. I asked if putting it away like this is the same as saying that I’m not hurt by it and it wasn’t that big of a deal, all is forgiven? He said absolutely not. One thing has nothing to do with the other. I hope not because I’m angry! I will not forgive and I am emotionally hurt by it. But I certainly can’t continue as I’m going.
I’ll talk to my therapist next Monday as planned.