We talked about my mother’s narcissistic traits such as the need to appear perfect and her inability to accept criticism of any kind. We talked about her viciousness and sadistic nature but not too much detail. Most of the time I talked and tried to keep from having to address the visualization technique for compartmentalization. I was nervous about it so we didn’t do it today.
Dr. D said he didn’t want to force me to do the visualization. I said that I want to do it, I’m just scared and that it feels big. I said, I realize I need to take steps to get to the point of feeling safe enough to do the visualization. That’s when we came to the conclusion that we need to make it all smaller and less threatening. So we’re going to make it smaller. We’re also first going to do a literal box then a visualized box.
I’m going to use a small box (something not overwhelming in size) and when I have an intrusive thought I will write it down or draw it out really quickly and put it inside the box and close the lid. Each time I have an issue, a hard night, a flashback, a physical memory, I can put in the small box. This act will help me to take small steps to put away an issue that feels too big and too frightening to handle all at once.
Once I put an item in a literal box it can’t jump out and hurt me. This is the same with a well designed visualization, which Dr. D will do with me at some point. The literal box is a training exercise in how the visualized box will work. Once I am walked through the visualization and put the assault in the box, it can’t jump out at will. Just like nothing in a literal box can jump out whenever it wants. I take it out of both boxes when I am ready to examine it. And I can put it back and close the lid so it can’t haunt me.
Of course we discussed the new CNA who is only temporary because she doesn’t have car insurance. She’s nice though. She’ll be here until Thursday, then someone new will step in. I’m accustomed to meeting new people, CNAs included, so it doesn’t make me nervous to have someone new regularly, just so long as they are observing COVID-19 recommendations for safety.
It looks like I’ll have to keep drinking Gatorade for a bit. I seem to stay dehydrated, the medical doctor said. I don’t like buying so many bottles so I think I’ll try buying the packs that I add to my own water here at home. I have a nice water filter on my sink so I can prepare Gatorade here without any difficulties. This will ease up on earth’s use of plastics.
Speaking of plastics, I’m working on a plastic bag holder doll as well as 2 other dolls. I’ve got them sewn and their faces painted but there’s a lot left to do on them. I would expect to post them in a few weeks. I’m taking forever with these three. LOL.