I can’t seem to kick the idea that I am somehow dirty inside and out. I know why. I recall the names I was called so viciously. I just hate that even now, at 49, I want to protect people from my unclean feelings.

I have a sweet little CNA that shows up daily. She’ll be here the remainder of the week but not after that because she doesn’t have car insurance to fully assist me with my needs. But while here she is very helpful. It’s just that I feel like protecting her from me and my inherently unclean self. It stresses me to allow her to make my bed and do my laundry. Anything personal like that I want to make excuses so she doesn’t complete that task.

I’m surprised at how comfortable people are here. I got a card from a CNA in the mail telling me how much she enjoyed caring for me for a few days. Why don’t they see what I think is glaringly obvious?

There is nothing at all I do that makes me feel clean. There are things I do that relax me and that make me feel happy but in the back of my head there’s a little twinge of self loathing, something I think deserves to die while other people deserve to live.

In therapy today we talked about how difficult of a week it’s been. I’ve been hallucinating, which I don’t normally do. It takes a lot to get to that point. I’m not sure if it has to do with the trauma or if it has to do with pain levels being off the charts again. I even wondered if my brain had simply had enough of both.

We talked about how difficult it would be do to another 4 years as a minority under a Trump term. Life is hard enough.

We talked about compartmentalization again. I’ve been working with the box by putting things in it and closing the lid. I told him that I like that its a literal box as opposed to just a visualization. With this issue I need to compartmentalize, it seems to work better right now having a real box.

I can see the box and it feels like I can control the contents better than if it was just a visualization. I think too that it feels like I’m not rejecting the emotions or “simply” filing away this offense like the person is getting away with it, like everything is ok now. I don’t wipe my hands of it and say all is forgiven. It’s just more under control, less all consuming.

We also discussed keeping up with my coping skills to manage pain. I figure this is going to be a very long, hard winter so I will make sure I have all my coping skills at the ready. It’s already hard. I can only imagine how much harder its going to get.


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