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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

February Feelings

February 2nd is my Independence Day. I don’t celebrate like I used to but I still think about how important it was back in 1992 when I was forced to make the decision to leave home at 10:30 at night.

I know it was a long time ago but I’m still learning how to be free.

February 10th of 2018 life changed yet again, this time with the start of a battle with blood clots and Lupus, ending with losing my foot to amputation. I have the hospitalization more on my mind than leaving home for safety reasons. I guess it’s true that time can heal. Perhaps with the passage of time the amputation won’t feel so devastating of a loss. It’ll always be a loss but I hope the trauma of it will be less.

According to my notes I’ve chosen to mass together the thrombectomy surgery and amputation into the February 10th date, which is when all the madness actually started. I can’t remember right now exactly what date the amputation was or the exact date of the thrombectomy surgery. I just know that February was the beginning of a new kind of life for me.

Today I’m in a lot of pain. My body hurts and I’m tired. Lupus is kicking my butt! However, I am grateful to be here to see this 3rd year roll around. Ok, I remember now that it’s May 7th for the amputation. Anyway, February is when things got crazy and February sticks in my head better because of the 2nd being my independence day. So anyway, I’m grateful for every breath, even when it hurts to be alive. Today it really, really hurts.

The other significant date is the anniversary of the death of my brother which is observed February 14th. What an emotional month. Lots of memories. Lots of time passed for one but still so raw for the loss of my brother and the monumental change in my health.

I whole heartedly believe in the saying “this too shall pass”. But even more I believe that all things can heal.

Until soon,

Faith

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