Content: CNA casually brings up suicide and sexual assault
I have written all sorts of things in this online journal over the last 20 years. My content ranges from emotional health to tea to sex to photo entries. If I felt it, I wrote it, even if it was just a few words, because it helps to have somewhere to dump my stuff. The problem, and reason for this entry, is that people seem to want to use me as their personal dumping grounds
Things came to a head with the CNA I said is a hot mess. She is also the CNA who recently was the subject of the blog entry where she reversed roles by calling me at home to care for her pain. She overshared quite a bit so early on I tried to set boundaries for my own sanity. I told her that I didn’t want to be on the other end of her life story and that she should never again bring up suicide or sexual assault in my home. Because she was bringing these subjects up, I knew I had to list them off! Three times she brought up suicide in casual conversation so that I told her she didn’t have any more chances! She said, ok. Understood.
Today the CNA was giving me the rundown about how her boys were good but her daughter isn’t and has always been trouble. I told her that the convention was upsetting, but that didn’t clue her in to changing the subject! So then she pops off with how someone in her family long ago committed suicide. I SAW RED! I calmly said, “You’re done for the day. Get your things and go. ” (smh) I then called her supervisor while she gathered her things and said in front of her that her 4th offense was especially cruel bc she knows about the Feb 14th meaning and the suicide in my family! She is aware that I just had an anniversary date of his death and yet she was so self absorbed that my feelings didn’t matter.
My feelings after people dump all their stuff on me in strict detail, that is the point of this entry. People talk and talk, give too personal of information, unload on me then walk away without ever asking if I can handle their problems and life story. So yeah, I sent her home. I’m not a toilet. You can’t dump everything on me.
I talk to my friends about all sorts of things. I want to hear from my friends and hear the details of my friend’s lives. We have an established relationship, a track record of how we deal with one another. Most of all we have boundaries! The CNAs that come here do not. People in public do not.
I am exhausted, completely exhausted by my interactions with this CNA. Her work is excellent, spot on. We laugh and joke around but then there are days she shows up and wants to have a soul sister session.
It’s of course triggering to have a person get their needs met at the expense of my emotional safety. It’s like my needs aren’t important. I’m here to serve others and do or be what they need with no consideration for how burdensome they can be. I simply don’t matter but the emotional relief they get from dumping on me, that’s all that matters….. Not today! I made myself really clear. Leave certain subjects outside the front door or don’t enter.