Yesterday when the CNA got nasty and then walked out of the house it struck me so deeply. I couldn’t help but cry and say enough! Forget letting them come back for three more days. I fired them right then and there. The young lady said that most blacks are ignorant and poor. My objection didn’t matter. She persisted then stormed out. I even asked her not to leave, just to change the subject but she stormed out anyway. Why did I ask her not to leave? Because I hate being left. I hate being left so twice I asked her to stay while trying to calm the situation.
What I need to do is try to write out the issue (above), the trigger, the reality with resolution and a goal. Here goes.
I was about six feet away from a very angry woman who was leaving. She might as well have been my mother. As I write this my lunch wants to come up so I’ll take some deep breaths and continue slowly.
When I was young my mother used would get so angry at me that she’d threaten to kill me then say that she had to leave so that she didn’t do it. I’d tell her not to leave and that we could sit down as a family and talk about it some more. She’d give some more threats then walk out of the house in the dead of night. She didn’t yell. It wasn’t her style. She was obviously angry but she didn’t yell. So my mother walked out on me several times growing up. I watched her walk down the street leaving me and my sister behind. My sister would cry hard and tell me it was all my fault, that I made her leave.
Reality and Resolution
Even now I want to cry because I can recall just how painful it was to watch my mother walk out. However, what happened yesterday had nothing at all to do with my mother. It felt the same. An angry woman left me but not because I’m a bad person who makes people leave. She left because I demanded to be treated right. She left because I wouldn’t do what she wanted me to do. She left because I demanded she change the subject. I protected myself, something I wasn’t able to do as a child. I’m not a child. A person can leave but it doesn’t make me a bad person and it doesn’t mean I’m something is deeply wrong with who I am, that I’m bad. Those are old messages that I can reject.
I’m going to do a lot of deep breathing but I’m also going to work on a few small projects that need to be finished so I can feel a sense of accomplishment. This may help to contradict the old messages of worthlessness.