I used to crave alone time. I needed it to be able to create an to think straight. Now, being alone is stressful and frightening.

One of the reasons the CNAs are so important is that they are the only people I see in-person regularly since the pandemic. When the other company failed to send people, I was so stressed. Then when they sent people I was stressed bc of how terrible they were. With the new company, I can depend on my weekday CNA to show up on time and do the whole job which includes interacting with me. Well, there’s a problem with Saturday care. My week day CNA is doing every other Saturday. Owners 1 and 2 are doing the other weekends. That would be great if they were doing the full 3 hrs on the weekend but like today, I got 1 hr 15 min. I have no care on Sunday. So for 48 hrs I saw one person for a tiny bit over an hour! It was clear on Friday that Owner 2 did not want to be here today, which feels really crappy.

It doesn’t do any good to talk things out with Owner 2. She’s the one who tried to get me to drop Saturday care, too. And she’s the one who told my weekday CNA that she HAD to work 3 weekends instead of 2 simply bc Owner 2 doesn’t want to work them. Her excuse? She says, I have a family. She talks about how she’s got a toddler and she can’t get any sleep. Plenty of other people, many without a husband, have had to deal with a toddler, family and a job. I’m not feeling sorry for you right now, I’m just not. Many have done it with more than one child and without a husband. Shut up! I cannot feel your pain.

So I got an hour today. Before she got here I prayed out loud, not for others but for myself, in an undertone. I knew I was going to need patience and to not obsess. I was so worried she was going to try to bring her husband today. Heck, I’ve had the husband of Owner 1 here so I expected Owner 2 to bring her other half today. So happy she didn’t! My head was not in the right place for that!

So anyway, loneliness is a problem, still. I feel ashamed of that, like it’s supposed to happen to others, not me. I want it to stop.


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