I ccould not do this life without my friends. It would be unbearable.

I was so sick for a few days that all I could do was lay in bed and pray not to wake up. I sweat through 3 shirts and 2 pants. My sheets, blanket and pillows were soaked. I had no CNA and honestly I was too sick to pick up the phone and call a friend. I needed the help because I hadn’t kept anything down in days due to vomiting. My body was cramping and I was so thirsty but unable to get to the kitchen for a drink. This is were dignity was spit on and pushed to the side. I was so thirsty that I drank water from a spray bottle I keep close to the bed. I simply couldn’t get up for a drink of water.

Finally after 6 days of being this sick, my regular CNA is back. She came today and whipped this place in order, helped me get cleaned up and change. She “forced” Gatorade down me. I later ate a small sandwich and yogurt.

That was a long six days. A friend couldn’t come over to help but she called me to encourage me to get up and eat and taken my blood thinner shot. Other friends from out of town text daily to let me know they are with me. They knew I might not respond right away but I read it and appreciated so much not going through this totally alone.

I have had such a hard time finding a quality CNA, but I’ve found her! I have found her and I want to keep her. When she arrived today (2 weeks off from non-covid related pneumonia) I knew I was in good hands. I relaxed…. and then cried tears of relief.

During the last six days I prayed to die because I feel useless and to a point, helpless. My God and Friend is very well aware of how tired and stripped I feel. Endurance is old. The vomiting, spasms, chronic dehydration, it’s a lot to deal with. I’m spasming as I write this which means I’ll end this entry soon.

No more drinking out of spray bottles. My CNA made sure I have two 32oz bottles of Gatorade and water as well as a sandwich if I want it later. It’s by the bed. She’ll be here tomorrow.

The good CNA was truly upset that the person who was sent in her place ended up being the spawn of Satan. Spawn even told me I couldn’t lie down. She said if I feel sick or want to lie down that she would leave. I was sitting in the wheelchair sweating profusely, shaking and in pain. Finally I said, I was like, I will lie down. I couldn’t be sick or I wasn’t getting any help. She asked for a personal bottle of wine to sip while here. This is a fraction of what Spawn did.

I’m so happy the good CNA is here. She said I’m easy to work with and she looks forward to coming here. My cat loves her, too.

My friends make sure I get to the doctor, they make sure there’s food here if I’m able to eat it. But it’s the emotional support they offer that makes one more day possible.

Mixed in with exhaustion is fear. My blood thinner is processed through the kidneys. It has to be adjusted regularly for dialysis patients. My head travels down a dark road and I think, is this going to be it for me? My blood is going to clot. I’m screwed. I can only tolerate one blood thinner but I need my kidneys for that. So I really don’t know what is going to happen. One thing is for certain, on even the darkest days I’m not alone. I’m so grateful for that.


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