My world was moving too fast. It was spinning into a ball of fire. I had to try to stop reacting and start thinking.

I’ve been saying and asking for the same thing for 3 years now without getting understanding or results. Why is this not happening? Because what I’m asking for doesn’t exist.

I asked for a CNA who can come on time and work a 5 day week. Most CNAs are not on time and (for many reasons) don’t give 5 consecutive days a week.

When I was asked to make multiple adjustments and accommodations for people who were not even filling my needs I’d say, But I’m the patient. For months I’ve been saying, But I’m the patient. A few other things happened and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn’t matter that I’m the patient.

I talk to my caseworker who coordinates care with the company who will then send out a body. It’s never been about getting me care or filling my physical needs. It’s about checking boxes and sending bodies, period.

So now that I understand I’ve got to figure out what to do with that information.

I do not have the mental health to manage the behaviors that come here. I have to make a change. For my own sanity, I can’t continue as before.

I was asked, of the companies you’ve been to, which can you tolerate for a little longer? I said, I don’t think any of them would let me come back.

How can I choose which company to go back to? How can I go to the next company and deal with them? It’s like choosing the lesser evil. It’s still evil. When all answers and moves, both forward and back, are wrong then maybe the answer is to stand still.

I put the issue of care out of my head and made a list of my immediate needs. I filled those I could and let my friends arrange the rest. And I continued to sit, and breathe. For the first time in months the air didn’t feel so heavy.


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