Content: suicide discussion
The day my internal levee broken I had been in a heated argument with the then CNA. After the argument I got a call from the company telling me I was demeaning and abusive. I was shocked! So I had the supervisor on the phone telling me how horrible I am and the CNA in front of me saying stuff. Then out of nowhere the supervisor said she was going to call CICOA and tell them how horrible I am. Then she added, and we’re going to pull your care today. That is when everything changed.
When she threatened to leave and I was arguing with the large and rather triggering CNA, I had a flashback. I begged the CNA not to leave me. I told her I needed her. I was sobbing. Nothing I was saying was to the CNA but to the mother who left me. Don’t go. I’ll be good. I’m sorry.
After the CNA left my home I cried like I’ve only cried once before in my life. It was a time when I felt like my back was against the wall and I had no more moves to make. So later, after the CNA was gone, I was in bed crying so hard that I couldn’t even see. And I thought to myself, how am I going to face that CNA after that type of emotional outpouring? I felt humiliated. Then I thought, why am I here? I’m just trouble for everyone? My family, my friends would be so much better off if I wasn’t here.
One of the hardest parts of mental illness is coming back to yourself only to see the mess and feel the shame. I felt ashamed of not being able to tolerate the CNAs. I didn’t know if I should go forward or back. How could I ask my family and friends to go through sever health issues and more CNAs?
As I lay there feeling worthless and like a burden, my knees rose and I started to bend into the fetal position. Then I wanted to turn to the wall to block everything else out. I knew I was in trouble so I started talking to myself out loud.
Get up, Faith, get up!
I kept talking to myself calmly, out loud until I could get an elder from the Hall of the phone.
Only after days of close observation and a lot of care was I able to think a little clearer. But for a moment I forgot the pain of having a loved one commit suicide. I wasn’t thinking correctly. As with my younger brother when he killed himself, I would have left massive hurt and a hole that might not heal. Soon I was able to say that suicide is not an option. But it took some real was self talk and my friends to get to that point. If I had stayed in bed things may have played out differently.
Peace. I’ve got to have it in my head and in my home. I lost my peace.
You know, many people (obviously not everyone) can go home and get a little peace from the world. Kind of shut everything out. I don’t have the same retreat I once had because I had to let people in my little home who do not appreciated it for its calm, relaxing set up. I have to be able to restore the feeling of peace in my home, which means I have to feel I have some control over it. When people were coming and going, being disruptive, breaking my things, I had nowhere at all to get away from it. I felt so trapped. And then to be physically vulnerable made it all worse.
Things got crazy but I am not doing this life on my own. I need to remember that.
Right now I’m trying to be patient and careful. I am still struggling emotionally. I feel so fragile. I have to force myself to get out of bed, even though I don’t see the point. I eventually will see the point….. or maybe I won’t…….but to hurt people because of my suicide isn’t the right move either. If I can’t move forward or back I do not have to jump, so to speak. I can stand still and wait. I’m happy I waited.
I have a good safety plan. I have a plan for a CNA and we are moving forward on treatment for my kidneys. There are also some things I’m simplifying so I can handle them myself. Most of all I’m working on feeling safe and peaceful again in my own home.