Content: suicide discussion

The day my internal levee broken I had been in a heated argument with the then CNA. After the argument I got a call from the company telling me I was demeaning and abusive. I was shocked! So I had the supervisor on the phone telling me how horrible I am and the CNA in front of me saying stuff. Then out of nowhere the supervisor said she was going to call CICOA and tell them how horrible I am. Then she added, and we’re going to pull your care today. That is when everything changed.

When she threatened to leave and I was arguing with the large and rather triggering CNA, I had a flashback. I begged the CNA not to leave me. I told her I needed her. I was sobbing. Nothing I was saying was to the CNA but to the mother who left me. Don’t go. I’ll be good. I’m sorry.

After the CNA left my home I cried like I’ve only cried once before in my life. It was a time when I felt like my back was against the wall and I had no more moves to make. So later, after the CNA was gone, I was in bed crying so hard that I couldn’t even see. And I thought to myself, how am I going to face that CNA after that type of emotional outpouring? I felt humiliated. Then I thought, why am I here? I’m just trouble for everyone? My family, my friends would be so much better off if I wasn’t here.

One of the hardest parts of mental illness is coming back to yourself only to see the mess and feel the shame. I felt ashamed of not being able to tolerate the CNAs. I didn’t know if I should go forward or back. How could I ask my family and friends to go through sever health issues and more CNAs?

As I lay there feeling worthless and like a burden, my knees rose and I started to bend into the fetal position. Then I wanted to turn to the wall to block everything else out. I knew I was in trouble so I started talking to myself out loud.

Get up, Faith, get up!

I kept talking to myself calmly, out loud until I could get an elder from the Hall of the phone.

Only after days of close observation and a lot of care was I able to think a little clearer. But for a moment I forgot the pain of having a loved one commit suicide. I wasn’t thinking correctly. As with my younger brother when he killed himself, I would have left massive hurt and a hole that might not heal. Soon I was able to say that suicide is not an option. But it took some real was self talk and my friends to get to that point. If I had stayed in bed things may have played out differently.

Peace. I’ve got to have it in my head and in my home. I lost my peace.

You know, many people (obviously not everyone) can go home and get a little peace from the world. Kind of shut everything out. I don’t have the same retreat I once had because I had to let people in my little home who do not appreciated it for its calm, relaxing set up. I have to be able to restore the feeling of peace in my home, which means I have to feel I have some control over it. When people were coming and going, being disruptive, breaking my things, I had nowhere at all to get away from it. I felt so trapped. And then to be physically vulnerable made it all worse.

Things got crazy but I am not doing this life on my own. I need to remember that.

Right now I’m trying to be patient and careful. I am still struggling emotionally. I feel so fragile. I have to force myself to get out of bed, even though I don’t see the point. I eventually will see the point….. or maybe I won’t…….but to hurt people because of my suicide isn’t the right move either. If I can’t move forward or back I do not have to jump, so to speak. I can stand still and wait. I’m happy I waited.

I have a good safety plan. I have a plan for a CNA and we are moving forward on treatment for my kidneys. There are also some things I’m simplifying so I can handle them myself. Most of all I’m working on feeling safe and peaceful again in my own home.


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2 thoughts on “Healing Inside

  1. Safe gentle warm thoughts. Thank you for these words. For putting these thoughts and facts about suicide put there. We are safe but struggling hugely. Sometimes it’s hard to fight those thoughts. Thanks for stating the facts that suicide leaves holes that don’t heal.

  2. It sounds so hard! I’m glad you have friends to support you, glad you found the strength to get up out of that bed. 💜💜💜

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