Today Dr D and I discussed how I’ve spent many years, in my adult life, trying to avoid being abandoned.
My inability to wait for people or deal with lateness is linked to abandonment issues. And all past relationships were with people I knew would never leave me. The CNA I have right now, Daisy, gives off red flags for BPD which comes with abandonment issues. I fired this girl 2x. She didn’t ask me to return for a 3rd round because she’s of strong mental health. I personally have a lot of work to do around abandonment issues.
We noted that there are two times the mother left that are burned in my memory. We didn’t go over them in detail, just enough for him to get the point. I realized that those two times weren’t any less violent or emotionally charged than any other time she walked out. The reason they’re different is that these two times I was directly told I was responsible for her leaving. I believed it until about 10 years ago or so.
We talked about how strange it was for my mother to succeed at work but fail miserably at home. She simply could not keep home life together.
We talked about how we lived in the car while she maintained her executive position. I feared no one would believe this but movies like The Pursuit of Happiness with Will Smith, shows just how real and possible it is to pull off. I also recently read an article about a grad school instructor, at a top university, who lived in a tent for two years without anyone knowing.
When people think of homelessness they don’t think of grad school instructors, stock brokers or executives, but it does happen. It’s not some fun adventure where people are roughing it. I slept in cars and an RV until she found us an apartment. Who knew how long we’d be there.
Sometimes we took all our belongings to the new apartment, but other times we left most things behind. I learned not to get attached to anything bc I couldn’t deal with how it felt to leave it all.
We talked about how some of the things my mother said to me that were inappropriate was just that, inappropriate but not abusive. I told him she didn’t really have friends so she ended up talking to me and my sister about stuff that wasn’t age appropriate.
I can also see how loneliness played in to her behavior and conversations. I know she never, in a million years, expected to be a single parent. The divorce must have devistated her and rocked and already unstable ego. I noted how my mother stalked the only boyfriend she had while I was growing up and then stalked me after I moved out. She had me and my sister in the car, in the middle of the night, watching his house and car.
It was a heavy session.