I am really disappointed in myself right now. I did what I thought was needed in order for Daisy to move forward, but now I feel resentment and anger. Then of course there’s my lack of tact! Looking back I think, wow, you kinda wore her out today,

During breakfast she hinted around trying to get me to provide her with lunch every day. That was shut down real quick. Yesterday it was medication and money. Today it was medication and food. Quite a few of the CNAs have done this. It’s sad but true.

Then she moved to a news story where a man was found dead. Speaking of that man she said, “I wonder if that’s so-in-so?” I thought, um, ok, wow. ” A few minutes later she mentioned another murder being possibly one of her friends. So I blurted out,” Ya know, when someone gets killed in the city I think to myself, oh that’s terrible not, I wonder if I knew him? And I certainly don’t say it twice in one sitting. I said, I think you need better friends.”

I hate that I can’t take those words back.

I apologized today for hurt feelings surrounding me going to another company, but in doing so I may have created a few extra bruises. I’m not even sure the apology went well.

I’m not trying to be mean to this woman. I don’t want to say things that are cutting or aggressive. The other thing is, I don’t want to push this CNA away because I failed to use self control.

As unthinkable as it sounds, her life (and the lives of countless others) included those factors resulting in my response. In my entire life, I’ve known one person who was murdered. She looked at me like I’m foreign. She’s known enough drugs dealers to make a sports team. She said it like it was normal, but I found it alarming.

I really clashed with her. I say I clashed with her and not that we clashed. I feel like I can, in the future, work on not being so reactive. Yes, it’s odd to hear her speak so nonchalantly about certain things but I still don’t need to be reckless in my speech. After all, she’s not the one who blurted out anything negative about my friends or their activities.

I’m going to work on slowing down my “moral outrage” response because people feel uncomfortable in an environment where they feel (or have been) judged.

But what about me? What about how I have felt so misjudged by the CNAs, in my own home? That matters too. I have to feel peace here. To feel peace you’ve got to help facilitate it. I may be able to help create peace in my home by watching my mouth. After all, two wrongs have never made anything right.

I want to get through the early stages of our working relationship where she tries to see what she can get away with and what boundaries I’m going to let her cross. We’ve also got to get through the hurt so we can work with each other without stress in the air.

Faith

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