This is a therapy review where we talked about suicide again and deep depression.

I told Dr D that I’m on a tight rope right now. I’ve got some things I’m hopeful for like being in less pain and eventually finding a CNA that will be able to work with me. I’m hopeful about making a few meals for myself but I’m also scared because I know that my behavior and thoughts signal deep depression.

We talked about how it’s more than just the CNAs. A little over a year ago I was sexually assaulted. I talked about that on the blog but have said very little about it recently. The pandemic has been a mental health test for everyone and my physical health has been a trial.

I’m so ashamed to admit that showering and brushing my teeth, washing my hair, all of that has been stopped for longer than I am willing to admit online. I stopped eating and I stopped reading my Bible. I questioned the value of getting out of bed and the value of continuing to take life saving medicines and medical care. I got sloppy with my blood thinner shot and other meds. I’ve not missed the shot but that schedule, too, was disrupted by various things.

I can make it a week without Daisy’s assistance but after that it’s going to start getting really hard. I honestly don’t know if she’s coming back. My concern is that I’m going to be told that I have to do what I have to do, pull up my boot straps and deal with letting a new company come in. But returning to a CNA company could be life threatening for me.

I didn’t just jump to suicide when things began to really get bad. The perfect storm brewed over time until I could no longer hide just how bad things have gotten in my head. I started giving up awhile ago. My inner peace was gone. My drive to truly live was gone. Finally, the last assault on my dignity was enough to put me in serious danger of taking my life. It’s not as if the mental pain has ended after having a flashback with the CNA.

I’m so depressed.

This is the first time in five years I’ve had to flat out agree, verbally, that I’ll be alive to make my therapy appointment next Monday. He knows I make my appointments, it’s just that I’m not out of the woods yet.

Finding a CNA through Kingdom Hall contacts will take time. Getting my head back together will take time. I’m going to have to take stuff day by day, task by task, prayer by prayer.

Today we start with a shower. I’m going to warm up some soup in the microwave and leave it at that.


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