We were on a Zoom call and I could hear a child in the background. He gave a fatherly look that means to be quiet. I chuckled.

I thought his 2 yr old daughter had broken in his office during our session but he actually had the toddler in the office (I could hear her but not see her) during my appointment.

At one point I asked if there were any children in the room old enough to understand what I was saying? I asked if there was an adult in the room looking after the child. He said no. Then he put his hand over his mouth and said something with the sound muted. He did it several times, including in the middle of my explanation of why I am significantly depressed.

I was paranoid about him covering his mouth and speaking. I was uncomfortable with the idea of a child being around while we were to talk about PTSD flashbacks, depression symptoms and the assault.

I wasn’t alone with my provider and did not have his attention. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable and why, and that I would like to end the Zoom call. The provider agreed to call me from his office on Friday.

This is a new provider for me who is supposed to deal with meds but needs to know what’s been going on for the last year with depression and things. It’s very hard to admit certain things let alone to do it with a child in the room.

I don’t want to deal with this provider but then again, I don’t want to deal with a psychiatrist at all. I’m not feeling it. I’m angry and don’t want to.

I’m not going to walk in and start talking just because he’s got credentials. Seriously? Man, I do not know you! It doesn’t matter how many years of therapy I’ve had, No Pdoc should expect a patient to sit down and talk openly when they’ve only had 2 sessions together. One of those sessions included a toddler, so no! I’m not looking forward to talking to him again on Friday. I’m doing it bc right now this Pdoc (psychiatrist) is close to my home, is part of the hospital system and does telehealth.

It’s a bad time right now. Some days are clearer but I’m a bit angry about the CNA abuses and how out of control things got for so long. I’m not ok.

Physically, things are holding for now. I won’t have steps towards dialysis. There is nothing more about renal health to report.

My CNA Daisy generally does not bring stress here bc generally she is not here. I get one or two days a week from her at the most. My spiritual family has taken up nearly all care which makes me battle feelings of being a burden and how they’d be better off without me. That may not be based in reality but I battle the guilt.

I’m doing my best to keep my head above water. My friends and spiritual family have been very helpful.


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