Content: Abandonment. Child abuse. Domestic violence.
I hate feeling like that little girl watching for her mother. I started watching the light at the peep hole to see if my CNA Daisy was at the door but I didn’t want to get caught being so desperate so I left. Then Joe started watching the door for her! Argh!
It’s right that she not return, it’s just that endings are hard. She quit. It feels like a failure, one that comes with tremendous guilt and shame. It feels like this is more proof that I’m bad.
How can one small word ‘bad’ personify my existence? That’s not possible. I don’t like that at all, that’s garbage. And yet I tend to look at negative occurrences as though they verify that I’m bad and evil. I sometimes see good in my life and feel deep shame, even remorse as if I’d done something wrong. It feels like I’ve tricked people into believing there’s something good about me. I end up feeling like a fake, thus the remorse.
A lot goes through my head when I feel abandoned. I feel so panicked right now. I feel like I’m searching for something to grab on to for grounding purposes.
When I was married and in a domestic violence situation I remember telling a counselor that I didn’t feel like I deserved to be abused but I didn’t think I was above it either. After all, what were my options when I felt so unlovable. I think the same principle applies when it comes to how much crap I put up with people like my CNA Daisy, before the plug is pulled. I mean seriously! Ridiculous stuff.
Why would I have even wanted her to return? Because it’s not about her returning but about trying to sooth that original soul wound.
I wasn’t sure how I would handle Daisy quitting. I wasn’t sure if I should leave an invitation open for her to visit. Oh boy!! 😕 Wow! Never mind.
I’ve always struggled with letting CNAs go even when the signs are clear that there are problems. I feel like I shouldn’t give up on them. I think, maybe if I give them one more chance things will change. OMGoodness. I sound like a battered wife. Not that there’s a sexual component to any of the CNAs. But I sure respond like the battered child who became a battered wife. Now I have CNA relationships that are dramatic and emotionally destructive.
Well, that took nearly 2 hours to write. I’m not going to edit but I will say this, yesterday was a good day even though I didn’t have care. Today will have to be managed somehow. I fully expect to panic later today but I’ve got my safety plan and my support system. I’ll make it.
I have to go to the hospital for x-rays of my ribs from when I fell. I’ve got major bruising, pain and swelling on the left side where he wants imaging.
I have to get ready for therapy.