First and foremost, I’m triggered. Daisy showed up unannounced.

I don’t like who I become. I have no real way to explain why I opened the door to her. It’s like I’m a hurt puppy returning to the one who kicked her.

She said something about how I wasn’t going to believe all that happened. I waved my hand and said, nope, I don’t even want to hear it. There is nothing you can say to justify quitting two weeks ago only to show up unannounced today. I said, you can work but I don’t want to hear your excuses.

So pretty much in my head I got left….. and then that person (like my mother) waltzed right back in like everything was the same. Like she hadn’t skipped a beat!!

I talked to the company owner who didn’t know that Daisy was going to show up today and that she plans to be here all week. I told her that Daisy showing up out of the blue doesn’t change what she and I discussed for my care. A person is being trained who will become my full time certified aide, and replace Daisy. In the meantime I’ve been asked to put up with her for a little while longer. That is so much to ask. The owner of the company said, ‘We just need to keep the peace.’ I know in my heart she had no idea how heavy her words fell.

Letting Daisy trample peace of mind is something I own.

Opening the door to her wasn’t because I’m kind hearted or because I’m indebted to her in some way. I think it’s more like I had an opportunity to express how hurt I’ve felt. I may have wanted my pain to matter. Lay my wounds bare and say, this hurts…. and have it matter. Why, though? I’m triggered big time.

I let Daisy go at 1 pm bc I had plans with Leroy and Snow to go to the grocery store. At the store I had an anxiety attack. I was holding my chest and breathing all heavily. Then beside the car I switched personalities to a child and told Leroy to back up, don’t touch me! He put both his hands up and backed away. It was so weird bc while I could see his body, I couldn’t see his face anymore.

I have to let this go for the moment. I need to eat something. I’d like to finish the evening trying to ease the intensity I feel behind my eyes.

Jordan

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