Medical and Mental Health – While intrusive thoughts are not as intense as before, they are still a problem. Sleep is still a problem so I’m strongly considering the suggestion from my psychiatrist who wants me to take a blood pressure medication that off label is used for post traumatic stress disorder. I told my Hematologist the wrong med the first time. That first med, the wrong one, can’t be used with my blood thinner, but the med the psychiatrist actually suggests is safe for me to take. It won’t adversely affect my kidneys, either. I’m going to do it.

Night time can be very difficult. I’m not awake until 6am but I am laying in bed until 3am, which affects my stress level and ability to concentrate. My sleep issues are complex.

Clinical Depression

My recent experience with clinical depression has been brutal. There were multiple triggers over an extended period of time, without ever really recovering from one before another came along. With what felt like impossible situations (not just CNAs) I became depressed then eventually clinically depressed. I am also dealing with other mental health symptoms that I hope will improve soon.

Having my closest friends care for me on a daily basis has taken pressure off me that has allowed my stress level to decrease significantly. I’m not worried about who is coming through my door. I’m not worried about my safety with them or about the things that make care companies so difficult. What a relief!

I have regular showers again. ADLs are improving greatly.

I have therapy once a week again. I’ve got an appointment with the psychiatrist but other than those two, I don’t have any other doctor appointments this month.

My kidneys are still concerning, but I am not days away from dialysis or anything. Dental procedures start in May. I’m badly bruised on my legs in 6 places because I sat a box that was too heavy on my lap. A fall a few weeks ago resulted in a hematoma on my right arm. The arm and shoulder hurt. I don’t have any active blood clots. I’ve got to do something about my eye sight. I’m blind as a bat.

Random

  • I’m still here! I’m happy I didn’t give up.
  • Pain and fatigue are significant. Spring is great but April rain is quite painful.
  • For weeks I’ve scoured Etsy looking for a special clay bead, with a sunflower, for one of my dreadlocks.
  • On Etsy I’m searching for handmade greeting cards for my friends. I know I have the ability to make them but I know I won’t. It’ll take too long and might not happen bc of my head.
  • I don’t have enough money for a new recliner. They’re significantly more expensive than I anticipated. I’ll have to save another month. I’m disappointed, concerned a bit about sitting only in the wheelchair or the bed. My back hurts. It’ll happen, it’s just going to be a little bit longer. I’ll have to be patient. I refuse to purchase junk. I’ve got $300. I’ve been looking at FB Marketplace, too.
  • I’m going to have to try to get a grant of some kind to assist with the purchase of a new or upgrade of my wheelchair. It’s completely beyond my financial ability. My insurance won’t buy another for 2 more years.
  • I sold 2 porcelain dolls from my private collection in order to make a good size donation to assist with recent natural disasters, and all affected by the war in the east of Europe.
  • I sketched. It was wonderful. I even upgraded a cloth woven basket so that it better matches my shower curtain. It has a yellow butterfly on it that really makes the whole thing pop. I can feel a doll coming on.
  • I’ve set two goals for myself, which I’ve not done in a very long time.
  • I started writing in my gratitude journal again. The last entry was August 10th of 2021.

Self Love – I started my extensive research on “self love” based on articles found by searching JW.org. It’s been amazing and heavy, to say the least. I’m happy I’m doing it.

I like that we aren’t going over memories as it relates to self love and self esteem. We’re going over science, medical and Scriptural facts long ago proven. I’m reading about what self love is and how to express it.

Evidently I’ve had a measure of self love but didn’t recognize it as such. I even read an article explaining how to be gentle. The thing is, it’s sometimes necessary to define and outline these things in Kindergarten language. It has certainly helped me.

Faith

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