I don’t have therapy until Wednesday but I didn’t want to miss writing on a Monday so soon after I said I’d journal every Monday. Admittedly, I’m finding it difficult to condense my thoughts into a once per week public entry.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading articles on the Bible’s command for self love. I see how my mother’s lack of balanced self love allowed her to put her hands on me and my mind. She didn’t love herself in a balanced way so she sure couldn’t love me in a balanced way. How could she teach me balanced love when she didn’t have it and refused to learn it?

I got tripped up this weekend and began to deny that my friends love me enough. There’s nothing more they need to do to prove they love me. It’s up to me now to grow enough to hear past the lies of my childhood and early adulthood. Healing isn’t getting easier.

I’m struggling right now with the belief that I don’t fit in anywhere. That’s not true. I do. It’s lies from an abuser that constantly told me that I didn’t fit in with anyone.

Growing up, she often told me she was the only person I could trust. There were racist lies concerning blacks and whites and how she felt I didn’t fit in with either. In addition to racist lies, there was spiritual abuse. She isolated me socially and emotionally, which is typical of abusive parents and domestic violence. She wanted me to feel like I couldn’t leave her bc there wasn’t anywhere to go. Here I am 50 yrs old and bc of abuse, I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.

I feel like a foreigner in most settings. I feel like people won’t or can’t understand me because I’m radically different. When I feel down, all the negative thoughts flood me until I question the love from people who have proven themselves time and again.

There’s a lot of work to do concerning balanced self love and interpersonal relationships.

Random

  • It’s been an emotional week due to my head and some memories.
  • I often feel like a tearful mess of a person who cries herself to sleep.
  • I’m very satisfied with the chair arrangement. It’s no longer on wheels, either.
  • I schedule Amazon deliveries for days when Leroy will be here to help. I purchased a bag that fits on the back of my wheelchair so I can go get smaller items from the delivery room. Such arrangements have worked out very well.
  • I’ve got too many trinkets. I need to put some away for another time. I don’t have to keep everything out at once. I hate clutter.
  • In any other setting, Chris Rock would be called a bully for what he said. Will Smith would have been called a good guy for sticking up for the person with a disability. I guess it’s OK if you put on a tux, call yourself a comedian and make fun of people to their face. Forget ur politics and saying what is proper and acceptable. I’m good with Will slapping Chris. Still, I’m not a fan of either person.

  • The butcher’s block looks great at the edge of the table (see photo). I’ve got to oil it before its ready to use.
  • My green frog Sam has a skeletal deformity and is also significantly smaller than the other male. Sam primarily separates himself from the other 3 green frogs in his terrarium. I know how he feels.
  • Tomorrow I go to the Hematologist for a six month check up. He’s going to look at the hematoma on my right arm, too.
  • I didn’t get a chance for art last week.
  • I can’t seem to get myself to settle down enough to write in my gratitude journal.

Faith

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