What am I thinking? What am I feeling?

I think I’m bored. I think there’s very little to look forward to each day. I know fatigue is keeping me in bed nearly the entire day, for most of this week, but I also have nothing to look forward to but symptoms. Why get up?

I’m chronic illness fine
Still tired

I feel so much better being physically clean. With a CNA, I wasn’t getting a shower regularly and I felt dirty from head to toe. Being physically clean helps emotionally but I don’t have the energy to shower daily. Heck, I don’t go anywhere so I’m doing one shower every Wednesday, and daily sink washing.

I’ve been using Dr Bonner’s oil soap w lavender. I started switching it up with his rose oil soap, too. Good stuff. While I’m not all gung-ho about water, I love the spa feeling, especially wrapping up in my fluffy purple robe.

Even when my blood wasn’t this low octane, showering was exhausting. Now I actually need recovery time after the shower. I’m that tired.

What am I feeling? Fear. Will I be left behind in life because I keep falling physically and emotionally? I feel trapped right now. By what? My physical circumstances.

I feel lonely. I feel trapped! I think this is one of the reasons I want so much to travel this August. Instead of feeling secure and sound, I feel trapped, alienated and excluded by these 4 walls. I need a short vacation before returning to real life.

I feel like I’m still in a pit and I can’t quite see the way out but I know if I keep moving forward I’ll get to the other side of this. Yes, I’m more stable because I’m not crying for hours and my emotional responses are more appropriate for the situation. I’m not at risk of going inpatient psych like I was a few weeks ago. And yet there’s an underlying sadness to each day.

There’s about 90% less drama and fewer issues after I switched from CNA care to friends coming. I don’t miss the drama but it has left a hole that needs to be filled. This I think is part of my boredom, the hole. It’s not been filled with enough positive or fulfilling experiences. There’s emptiness after the trauma of CNAs. That emptiness may be soothed by preparing and sticking to a written routine.

Despite depression and anxiety, I’m still future oriented. I’m afraid to set goals for fear of failing but goals help me focus. I’m still setting short term, medium range and long-term goals.


  • At the end of next month one of my very best friends will come from Seattle to visit me. I got to see her in 2017, but this will be the first time she’s ever seen me wheelchair bound and post stroke. I worry about being scatter brained and odd. I worry a lot but I’m thrilled and excited. I got to talk to her et al quite a bit while in the hospital. They are very special to me. Watch, as soon as she walks in the door I’m going to COVID home test her!
  • I’ve not had a chance to get a second booster shot because life got in the way.
  • I’ve got to again revisit my nutrition. I have already changed, to a significant degree, to line up with the renal diet. Now I need to better support my blood system, which means including foods or increasing other foods. I’ve got to be able to cook it myself which will make it a little more challenging.
  • For about 2 weeks I’ve been very hormonal with an out of this world craving for chocolate. I had the world’s best dark chocolate covered cherries from Cherry Republic. Craving satisfied.
  • I’ve got enough Delta-8 medicine for 5 more months. This stuff lasts and works well for most of my pain. I recently began to split up my dosage to half in the morning and half in the evening. This has helped some with anxiety.
  • Things are going well with work on self love. Because of being overwhelmed, I took a short break from work with Hippie Therapist, but I’m not quitting. I’m going to study and discuss how to identify and express safe love.
  • Dr D canceled this week. No other appointments are available. We’ll talk again Monday, I hope.
  • I fired my psychiatrist for being worthless. I’ve seen him a year now but all he’s given me is hydroxyzine. I’ve been given nothing for this clinical depression, nothing.

War and human tragedy

I only check the news once a day now. I don’t read or look at opinion pieces because it makes me angry.

This is another war. There’s nothing different about it other than your response to it. It’s a terrible travesty what the nations are allowing to take place in Ukraine. But it isn’t anything new. It’s war.

Horrors of war have been photo documented for decades. The first war I personally remember is the Iran – Iraq War. So, I figure anyone my age has no excuse to ever think this war is somehow different from other wars and therefore requires a different response. That belief is false.

Wars I remember

Why didn’t you see the photos of dead children and grieving old women before now? There are examples of genocide that you should remember if you are my age. If all you remember of genocide is the Holocaust then your memory is incomplete. You should update your memory by googling the list of wars that have taken place in your lifetime. There’s even a list of the 8 deadliest wars. Then ask why the refugees from Europe get acceptance at the very same time that UK is actively trying to send non-white refugees to Rwanda!

This is my whole argument. The only reason these European refugees are accepted is because they are white and the land they live on has valuable resources. Otherwise they’d let Ukrainians die the same as they did when watching lives systematically slaughtered during the wars in Congo, Syria, Darfur, Yemeni and even Bosnia or what’s going on currently in China and Myanmar. The wars mentioned happened in my lifetime not hundreds of years ago.

Sadly, most wars start with open racism and nationalism.

The only reason we see funding from individuals and emotional journalism is because they have the skin color that the West relates to. It’s so easy to make excuses for why you didn’t see photos from other recent acts of genocide or feel emotionally wrapped up in the wars of Africa and Asia. But, your outward support of Ukraine makes your silence for others quite deafening.

All refugees are equal, including those from this current war.

Human lives are being forever altered and destroyed in Ukraine, Russia and surrounding areas. Human lives! Lives that are precious and worth saving.

I look forward to the time when it won’t matter what race you are and when all human life is valued equally.

Love equally.


One thought on “Clinical Depression. Feeling Trapped. War.

  1. “The only reason we see funding from individuals and emotional journalism is because they have the skin color that the West relates to. It’s so easy to make excuses for why you didn’t see photos from other recent acts of genocide or feel emotionally wrapped up in the wars of Africa and Asia. ” So true and so sad. And schools perpetuate this problem.

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