Dr D agreed that I should have fired the old doctor who has allowed me to do this clinical depression with no medication. Dr D set me up with the new nurse practitioner in his office, whom I will see next Monday after my session with him. Something has to change medically for me to get past this wave.
Dr D asked if I was going to passively accept the depression. He worded it in such a way that struck a nerve, which was his point. I don’t give up easily. I will always go down fighting, but there are situations that are somewhat beyond my control, clinical depression and PTSD being among them. I can only use so many coping skills. I need help. I need proper medication. I pray for it because my brain is tired.
I have figured out which 2 alters are having the most difficulty with PTSD issues. It makes sense. The poor girls are hurting but I’m too afraid to even touch the reasons for their trauma.
I’ve been trying to fight in whatever way I know how but I feel stuck and afraid.
It’s so true that a person can be in a room with people who love them but they still feel lonely.
I feel like an alien. I wonder if that’s because I’ve personally lost my sense of self or if I really am different in a broken way.
Two friends came to get me on Saturday so I could go replace plants that died. I bought a platter of flowers supposed to be for outside. I can put them in my window to enjoy for however long they live. I’m sure I’ll have a few weeks to enjoy them.
My city is being plagued by violence. As my friends and I drove, we came upon about 6 police cars searching for a woman with a gun who was chasing a man through a large pasture. Why? He hit her car and tried to flee. She went after him, shooting. There are horses in the field next to it. The school was closed. This took place one mile from my home.
I used to only think of bigger cities as being frightening, but indianapolis is bound and determined to be like Gary, Indiana. I wonder if we’ll get our own mob just like Chicago? Gracious!
It’s funny. This stuff I’m supposed to read about on the news, not experience first hand. I don’t want to go to Walmart anymore. Why do people shoot at big box stores?
Dr D and I discussed my belief that I will not feel secure again. It’s not the shooting by my door only, it’s everything from 2018 to now. I don’t believe I’ll feel secure in my head or my body, and now my home feels less safe. There’s been too much insanity with very little reprieve.
I’ve got to get myself together before Mary Poppins gets here. She comes every Monday. I really like her company.