I like the new nurse practitioner (NP). She seems like someone I can work with.

She asked me today if I am still suicidal. Today I’m not but I struggle to get out of bed most days. I told her that I have a profound desire to live, I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to hold all this and keep going.

Survivors guilt is real. A week or so ago I spoke with the mother in law of the friend who died from a blood clot shortly before I had the same. She said, I wish they’d done for my daughter in law what they did for you. I said I’ve wondered the same and feel guilty for living when she didn’t. She said ok and politely exited. I’ve always wondered how she felt and how the widower feels.

The NP and I talked about intrusive thoughts and PTSD symptoms.

I had the anniversary of the amputation the other day. The amputation was May 7th, 2018. It feels like yesterday. I can even still feel my toes at times, as if they were still here.

I have had excessive pain for 3 days mostly due to too much activity and falling again. I have another broken tooth after hitting a level 10 pain.

I have no focus. The NP asked if I have energy to complete tasks. I told her I have energy at times, but I spend it running from myself, not accomplishing anything significant.

She’s aware that I eat a meal no more than 3x a week. We’re certain several factors have contributed to my weight loss: depression, renal diet, no pop and not feeling well.

I’m about 3+ weeks into having the strangest cravings. I’m not a chocolate lover. It’s never been my first choice in flavors but right now I’m craving it like a Zombie looking for a meal. It’s terrible! I’m craving black olives, too and I’d do crazy stuff for a deep dish pizza right now. Menopause is something else.

I wouldn’t dare try to put my finger on one thing that made me so emotional this week. I’m just emotional.

I told Dr D that I worry I won’t be emotionally stable for my visitor to feel anything but disappointment. Here she’ll have come all the way from Washington but I can’t keep it together for her. This is also the first time she’s seen me in a wheelchair. I don’t know what to expect. I’ve known her for 20+ years. It’ll be ok.

She’s going to once again have culture shock when she comes to Indianapolis. She’s coming from a very liberal state where you probably regularly see neon pink hair on adults, but not so much in my area. People do it but it’s still an odditie. My friend has to walk down the hallway and past the elderly “welcoming committee.” This will keep them talking for a while. LOL I don’t care at all but it does feel like we’re about to have a, “guess whose coming to dinner” moment. LOL

Last week was difficult for my friends as well. We survived it together.

Faith

2 thoughts on “On living

    1. I should add purple beads to one of my dreadlocks and pink dreadlock beads in another. πŸ™‚ Truly, she is more than a friend, she’s my healing sister.

      I usually get all nervous before any visit from anyone. I still get nervous before therapy and I’ve been in treatment with him for nearly 15 yrs.

      How are you doing?

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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