Content: Discussion of emotions during abuse (no details of abuse). PTSD issues. Combating rumination..
This is the entry I said I’d write so as to process a little more about what I think might happen if I were “let go. ” What emotions do you think might flood us if we let go? Be specific.
I run from myself often. It’s as if I’ll do anything to avoid catching up with myself. I’m especially good about putting off sleep.
I know the painful memories well. I can sometimes feel the physical pain as though I were still in that situation. But the emotion that makes it so intolerable, the one I run from most, is the feeling of humiliation. I feel mortally wounded by the understanding that she kept eye contact with me to make sure she’d done enough harm. She said the best way to hurt a person is to add humiliation. Sadists don’t think like normal people.
My mother would abuse her children then later recount the entire story of what she’d done to us. Once said to me, “I can’t tell if you’re disgusted or turned on.”
When I run from myself I’m running from how I felt as I was being abused. I’m running from the insane look in her eyes, from how I was powerless to change anything. I’m running from the message one gets when they are allowed to be abused by others.
Recently I tried to stay far ahead of myself (running) by making sure there wasn’t a moment of silence in this house. If I took a nap the music was on. When in bed at night the music was on. I ran from myself like I was running from a bear.
It’s nearly 8pm and I need to stop for now.
When it comes to interrupting the rumination process, I’ve got a 2 out of 3 success rate. I’ve talked to myself a bit and tried to relax. I’ve at times needed to help my brain shut off more than once. I intend to continue to help ease mental night time torture as well as to limit running.
June 12, 2022
It’s late but then again I did sleep after dinner so I’m not too worried about being up near 1am.
I feel like actively combating night time rumination has helped. Sometimes my head simply refuses to stop. When I realize my brain is going to obsess I give it a subject to obsess over. The subjects I’ve chosen are ones easiest for me to transition from destructive thinking to better controlling my symptoms. Instead of letting my brain choose to torture me over a minor infraction six months ago, I have a short list of subjects ready to over think.