Content: depression, mention of suicide

A friendship has ended and I feel relief.

I sold several plants, providing much needed financial relief. Before the sales I couldn’t afford a loaf of bread. I’ll go to the grocery store Friday.

Sleeping in the hospital bed provides relief.

I’m overwhelmed with pain but my dentist can’t get to me until November 1st. I’m relieved that I’m not getting them all pulled at once. That sounds painful.

I’m depressed. I’ve been in bed all day. It’s after 5pm.

I feel like I’m running, avoiding, trying to sleep the depression away. I know it doesn’t work like that.

It feels like it would take every bit of my energy to go feed the fish.

My caregiver is unstable. She’ll take a matter way too far, exhausting me. The next day she acts like nothing at all happened. I’m feeling stressed. I walk on eggshells and try to maneuver the under current. Part of me thinks she’s literally insane. Literally. She may feel the same about me. Literally.

There’s a lot of life here, not just pets. I love the different types of plants, big and small. I’m in love with the begonia carolina de lucerne. It’s next to my tea stop.

The leaves on my Golden Pothos are beautiful and large. I’m getting the hang of my Philodendron Hope and the birds nest fern, too. Watching all this life around me flourish encourages me to keep going.

The small moss terrariums are doing well too. I’ve got a few I’m about ready to sell.

I love the leaves of my string of turtles, the string of hearts and the asparagus fern. I like the creeping Jenny that grows under water and out of water. I also enjoy seeing it in my Tomato Frogs enclosure.

I list the plants and what I enjoy, not to brag but to encourage myself to get up when all I really want to do is roll to the left, face the wall, close my eyes and disappear into myself. I can’t do that. That could easily facilitate suicidal depression which feels a heartbeat away. I’m going to have to get out of bed because there’s no emotional relief to be found here.

There are tradescantia, spider plant, arrowhead plants and two dragon trees to enjoy. I like the details in my inside garden, everything from new growth on the Jade plant to appreciation for fenestrations on the Swiss Cheese. I have every reason to get up.

I love caring for my garden apartment. It makes me happy, yet I’m in bed with the lights and TV off, hiding from everyone but the cat.

As hard as it feels, I’m going to press publish then go be in the garden created here. I live in My Secret Garden or Alice in Wonderland, depending on what day it is.

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.