My self esteem is at the lowest it’s been in awhile. I’ve never felt so bloated and scared. My hair is thinning. I have the most stubborn, single hair that wants to live his best life on my chin. I evict it with violence, but it keeps coming back!
I’ve lost a significant amount of sight in the left eye (pseudotumor cerebri) and if that’s not enough, all my teeth need to come out. But it’s the amputation that makes me feel ugly. The other things just add to it, but the amputation hit my self esteem rather hard, so did being in a wheelchair.
I was trying see what I can improve bc I’m not ok with feeling this level of deep dissatisfaction. Well, I got my pennies together and got my hair done.
I had to get past the idea of having hair that’s not mine. Once I got past that, I had to find someone who would wrap each one of my dreadlocks with synthetic hair (I’ll do human next time) and do it at my house.
Well, my CNAs family member came and did my hair. It was nice. It felt really good. She didn’t appear disgusted by me.
It took six hours. No breaks. Lol I didn’t say the experience was perfect but when she was done I felt pretty.
I’ve got so many head scarves / dresses that I couldn’t wear properly because I didn’t know how to do it with long, thin hair. So my collection of scarves and such sat unused. But the day I got my hair done it was big and puffy enough to wear my scarves in the styles I used to wear.
My self esteem isn’t cured but I don’t feel wholley unattractive anymore either. I look at these photos and I’m swollen. All of me is swollen like the Pillsbury Dough Girl. Lupus and mental health are ugly. In my heart I want to say that looks don’t matter; inside is what counts. They both count.
I’m aware that beauty is fleeting but I’m not ok with the departure. Yes, there are a ton of positives in my life and I’ve got a lot more to do on this here earth. I don’t want to feel ugly while I’m trying to live my best life, though.
Truth – I will wear my scars like jewelry. Truth – I will adjust my crown until I’m proud to show it. Truth – I wonder if I have the energy to consistently believe in myself and acknowledge physically beauty.
I’m a little tired today. It’s definitely autumn. Today I turned the heat on, finally. I’m still dealing with menopause which means I still shy away from heat. Lol Poor Joe Schmoe.
Last but not least, I purchased water soluble THC from the company I use online. I purchased it out of sheer curiosity. I hoped it would work for anxiety as a PRN, and it does, but the real reason is curiosity 🙂
I don’t feel Lupus Strong today, but I am happy to be here.
Faith