The grief has been too much. I could use a few hugs so I sent 15 of my friends an invitation to come to my house to give me a hug. So Friday is the first ever Hug Faith Open House. Friends will come in and out from 10 am to 7pm on Friday. Most are coming in person but a few need to send hugs via text message.

The depression and anxiety I feel is like wearing a big, heavy coat that’s soaking wet. Also there are times I feel hollow and like the hole is so deep that it’ll never close.

Some friends thought I was kidding. I’m not.

The cat is overly stressed. He cries a lot. I have to work to get his anxiety down. My anxiety is high and so is my regular CNA. Sometimes he hides under the bed for seemingly no reason at all.

I’ve got several art pieces that are finished but I can’t seem to settle enough to get them posted in my Etsy shop.

Anxiety and grief is a terrible mix. I don’t feel like harming myself, I’m just stuck in the mud of grief with little traction on my wheels.

Sometimes I believe my cat doesn’t love me or like me. However, he’s laying beside me now. I put my hand to my side and he reaches out to me with those gentle, furry paws of his. I feel unlovable even by my cat. Will I ever get a lounge chair so he can sit on my lap or on the arm? I’m selling off my Tomato Frogs to make room for a recliner.

I’m only offering the frogs, not their home. I refuse to ship them. I hate to get rid of them but I’m physically tired and I need the space for a lounge chair. I’ve still not sat in a recliner since I got in this wheelchair six years ago. I have a large office chair but it feels unsafe bc it swivels. I need the chair to not move. I took the wheels off but it still swivels. I don’t know how to keep it from moving which is 100% necessary for my safety.

Despite the fact that I should sleep, I’m going to turn back to my art table and scribble a bit. My anxiety rose, Joe responded by crying. I’d like to get him a bottle of Peace and Calming by Young Living. It’s $45. Yikes. I’ve got some but not all. I’ll have to see what I can do. I think we both need it.

I’m making a teddy bear into an aromatherapy bear for Joe. I bought the bear at Goodwill. I’ll open it up, put in dried lavender then sew it closed. It’s a simple way to make an average second hand bear into an aromatherapy bear. Maybe I can get him to stop biting me. He’s so anxious. My poor boy. Joe gets overly stimulated so easily.

I’m wrong when I say he doesn’t love or like me. It’s transference. He’s such a good boy. He’ll be 15 yrs old the first of March. 🙂 My poor little booger. He’s old and mad. Me too, Joe, me too.

Faith

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