A little frustrated and it shows

I intended to keep the colors brighter like always, shockingly bright, but this time darker colors felt right.

The rainbow was given a darker red and a mustard yellow stripe in a midnight blue sky. The clothing of the figures is in plum, dark red, green and blue.

As I worked I realized the high amount of frustration and anger associated with feeling like a freak; feeling broken if not shatteted. Line after line I drew myself shatteted for the last time! I will not do it again.

I felt so hidden behind the lines, even hidden from myself. I’ve described being a multiple like looking into carnival mirrors. It’s hard to know who is who. Well, I may not always know the who but I do know The Way.

I need hope too. I don’t feel hopeless but sometimes I feel like I’m in prison here. I wish I could leave. This isn’t my home anymore. However, I can’t just up and go in the middle of the night – won’t up and go like that. I’ll move somewhere safe, clean. One thing is for sure, there’s no more peace here.

The painting will be in the shop very soon. Check my Etsy.

Faith

Sometimes I Feel Like A Freak

This is about the stress and pressure from people telling me what I should be doing and me having a hard time finishing projects. Slowly but surely they are being completed, this one too very, very soon. –

Sometimes I feel like a freak but I try to hide it.

I try to blend in.

Say the right things, the right way.

I want to hold my face in the expression allowing emotions of the moment to show, balancing them on my brow and tongue like a real live woman.

I’m not normal. I’m not and the effort it takes to be, exhausts my tired spirit.

Sometimes I feel lost.

I’m lost

as ink scratches on

9×12 pads

roads and hills,

lands of dramatic color and wonder.

With each stroke of the pen to paper you hear the symphony of my madness.

There’s stress in the ink, acrylic and experimental designs. Stress to do it your way.

Change. Spotlight. Museum. Gallery. Gala. Teach. Speak, Lead!

Don’t waste your voice, your voice, your voice, your voice.

The art stops. The freak is seen clearer. And everyone finally goes home.

Faith Magdalene

UPDATE – Joe’s home

Joe Schmoe got to come home from the vet. I am over joyed and still in shock. He wasn’t bad enough to be euthanized, the vet said.

He has a bad skin condition and he’s very over weight. He’s old as dirt but otherwise HEALTHY and doesn’t need to be put to sleep.

His back pain can be managed by weight loss and his skin issues have two pills a day. There’s a food change as well but that should not be that too expensive.

The vet asked if there had been any changes in the house and I mentioned my nurse leaving. He seemed to have a strong response to her leaving. I don’t know what that means. She commented that changes affect pets as well as people. He could feel loss.

Joe Schmoe got to come home. I’m beside myself.

I was so all over the place that I vomited. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. It was like I’d just won the lottery only better, like I’d gotten a second chance with someone, a resurrection of sorts. They gave him back to me. I can’t tell you how much I need this cat. Not a cat, *this* cat, Joe Schmoe.

There’s something to the depression thing after the last nurse was fired for saying I’m not disabled. He seemed affected by it. I did notice it I did. I feel guilty that I can’t keep a nurse for various reasons.

I feel bad that some of my friendships are rocky, one in particular. But that friendship is fizzling out. I’m letting it die down while others I’m growing and enjoying.

The world is still a dumpster fire. North Carolina got hit hard. Tampa is evacuating. Friends of mine here in Indiana are helping with emergency housing. I can’t help with emergency housing but I have a tiny few extra dollars I can donate for relief. I have and I will continue to do so.

I’m exhausted. Relieved. I want to pour my heart out I’m so happy he gets to stay. I’ve got to close my eyes. I’m way overly stimulated.

Faith

The Whole World is On Fire

This company, CICOA, that serves the elderly and disabled to find so called care companies to come in the house has now been told that I have DID. They, CICOA, told the doctor if I wanted care I’d have to give them both psychiatric and medical diagnosis. I was not asked about this.

The company was told I have DID. They passed it along to the under educated care companies who pass it along to their caregivers! Are you joking? Are you joking!!

No matter what company I go to they’ll know I have DID, the caregiver may know as well. Everyday people don’t need to know this.

In Indiana, most of these places aren’t run by medical professionals but by well meaning individuals who saw a need in the community. But well meaning doesn’t mean you know what to do or not to do or to just leave it the heck alone.

I told the CICOA worker that I spent years, years making sure my DID didn’t get out but nope, here we are, you guys couldn’t let it go. I said, so now that you know, who is educated enough to manage it? None of you! Not a single person in that building has the slightest bit of education to manage my disorder. She said, I have a bachelor in psychology. What’s that supposed to do? If you have a BA then you should have known to be more careful.

Curiosity killed the cat. The cat is me.

It matters that uneducated people are going to have this information and that I’m going to AGAIN hear how I need to just pray the demons out, spit them out, excercist, oil, rituals and that I have demons. I won’t go through it. I won’t go through it again. I may not have to bc I gave CICOA quite the unedited tongue lashing!! They may kick me out of the program. I really went off.

I spent so long holding that secret together and it’s over because J is nosey and gave a form requiring my mental health diagnosis. All that happened on the heels of my CNA getting fired by me yesterday morning, the CNA I liked so much.

We’d begun fighting, outright arguing daily. I’d apologize, she wouldn’t. I started to worry about a few things I couldn’t prove but was suss of.

The last argument was when discussing going to the grocery store. I said I’d like to go to the pet store first because it’s less energy than the grocery store. She said, I don’t want to double back. I said, but as a disabled person it’s easier on me to do the easier thing first. She chimed in with, I have plenty to say about you being disabled but we don’t want to have that conversation.

It hit hard. I was dazed. Seconds later I said, yes, we need to have this conversation. Long story short, the Certified Nurses Aide believes she is qualified to cancel out all doctor diagnosis for her punny, sad, opinion. I’m amazed! Amazed. There was no way she was working here if she didn’t even believe I’m disabled. My goodness.

As angry as I was that I had to fire her, I did forgive that stupidity. She can never work for me, but forgiveness is offered to the CNA and her ridiculous actions. Why? So I can leave just a tiny bit of peace in a world that is very short of it.

As for CICOA there is no such forgiveness…. This dumpster fire is part of the rest of the world that’s on fire. Cause if you hadn’t noticed, the whole world is kinda on fire right now.

Michael Joseph is ok but not great. He’s sleeping a lot. He eats well. Still drinking. He’s clingy then he goes back to hide under the bed.

I took a photo yesterday bc I just turned a corner in life and I know it. I’m not sure what’s around the corner, but I didn’t just turn a corner in life. I could feel it coming for a minute.

Faith Magdalene

You can. You will.

I’m pleased to have been able to finish this piece with its color symbolism and Scripture favorites. I like Jonah a lot. It often feels like I’m in the belly of a big fish with no way out just like he was.

I love the original meaning of the rainbow and how it is on God’s thrown as a symbol of peace so I added that to the image.

I know for a fact that hope does not lead to disappointment.

The last part of the image shows three distinct figures, a date and two blue hearts. The black child’s hair is hearts. Of course there are sunflowers. There must always be sunflowers. 🙂

Faith

Wilted African Violet Emotional Uptick of 2024

I prayed, “your daughters need Parenting because this is just a plant. I don’t even want a long break from her over a plant. We need a Father to work with His daughters.”

I am pleased that my very emotional friend and sister has calmed down concerning the African Violet plant. We met over Zoom and handled things very well. I was so grateful! So grateful!

I’ll meet with her again Monday evening and the project we’re working on will be finished. We’ll have done it. The absolute impossible a few years ago!

Unfortunately this plant appears beyond redemption. It’s name will not be called. There will be no resurrection. Lol 🙂

I don’t know what to do with it. I really don’t. I’ve got some leaves cut in half, some as full leaf propagation. But, some wilted in the moss, some simply didn’t make it after being in the trash. Never in my life have I ever felt so bad about a plant dying. The saga has ended. I’m pretty sure. I think. I hope. Lol

Faith

Continued Improvement.

Joe is still very clingy and needs a lot of reassurance. He’s got some issues but nothing like before where death seemed imminent.

Back when death looked imminent and he was laying under the bed with his little head out I said, “Michael Joseph, If I did anything to contribute to this, please forgive me.” I was thinking of the supplements or anything he could possibly have stepped in and cleaned off himself. I blame myself for everything, it only seemed normal to say, if this is my fault …

Well, I didn’t think it would make much of a difference, but I took him completely off that one supplement I had him on for dry skin. A few days later Joe looked a bit better but I wasn’t sure if it was just me. Now several more days later I know it’s not just me! Joe looks better! He spends a little time with me instead of under the bed. He’s mouthy again too. Lol

We have a little over 2 weeks before the vet. I’ll continue to reassure, observe and keep him comfortable. This is too much emotion! My heart can’t take this!

Michael Joseph Austin aka Joe Schmoe is 16 yrs old. He’s my little sidekick and my one employee . He often sleeps on the job though.

Faith

Joe update

Joe Schmoe update.

I stopped giving him this several days ago. Not going to say it was this, just saying I stopped giving it to him.

I WANT to say he looks better. He’s out from under the bed more.
He’s slow in the morning.

He didn’t recognize me at one point and got down low in attack mode, looking me in the eyes like I was a stranger. I left the area because I wasn’t sure if he was going to jump on me or not.

At a different time he didn’t recognize the caregiver that he loves so much. It took about an hour before he recognized her.

Its one day at a time to the vet next month. Still doing what I was told to do – observe, keep him comfortable. (sigh)

I made a sale. That’ll go directly to vet care coming up. Thank you. Thank you in advance for anyone who might be considering a purchase at www.Sundrip.etsy.com.

Faith

Delicate Leaves – African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024

Dr D asked how I was able to manage the trash three times? Honestly, it was mind bending hard. I went back three times because I felt like I’d failed or like I had something to prove. She said I threw it away to hurt her. I had to get it back.

I got a second text saying despite retrieving the plant, my efforts were not enough. It felt like I’d been punched in the chest. But that was the end of my emotional loan to the situation. It’s a plant. If she needs to go off the deep end over the plant then so be it but I’m jumping off the train. I will not argue over this. No response to texts about this mess.

This friendship isn’t over despite Dr D suggesting it might need to work towards that way. No. It needs a little break while she gets her mind right. He said, she’s going to do it again, then what? I said, yes she is, because unlike me she doesn’t have a PhD every week. This puts me at an advantage in the friendship.

As far as how I got through dealing with the trash, I planned it out. First I dressed for it. I had friends to call. I kept in mind my up coming appointment with my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day. I have a certified nurses aide daily.

I was well covered to take the risk of going in the trash. I didn’t do it without back up or coping skills. Am I ok? No. But I’m not in hospital crisis. I’m not self harming. Things will calm down with a few art pieces and a few pots of tea.

Faith

The African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024

I’m not totally bashing this person because I know I’ve done what she did yesterday.

Her aunt had a small box of plants for me to adopt bc she’s going into a nursing home. Most of the plants were in rough shape. When I saw the African Violet with dull green – gray leaves but a desert dry root I tossed it thinking it was dead. Thus started the African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024.

The thing was the size of a silver dollar but that’s not important. What’s important are the over use of emotion and manipulation used concerning this silver dollar sized madness that I agreed to go dig out of my trash the next day.

So today is the next day. I took the trash out of the bag three times, transferring it from one to the other because she said this plant was “entrusted” to me and if she’d known I’d just throw it away she’d have kept it. She’s “grieved” and needs to “heal from the loss of the plant. ‘ The aunt is alive!

Dressed like I have OSHA training, I looked through the trash three times. I sorted through trash with BBQ sauce on it, coffee grounds, ketchup, plant soil and everything else. I was ready to give up when she sorta came into view.

The friend said she tends to love things like plants and animals instead of people. I told her. You know I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It was love for you that I went through the trash three times. It had nothing to do with the plant. It had nothing to do with how you worded your text.

How do you grieve a small plant but not think twice about my disorder? You said I didn’t understand you but where was it you gave me understanding? Did you stop and think how difficult getting in the trash would be?

All this over the top emotion is too much for this situation. You said you lost sleep over me tossing what appeared to be a lifeless silver dollar size African Violet in the trash. I lost sleep because I’ve got real problems. My cat isn’t well.

Faith