My neighbor has Schizophrenia. A different neighbor says it’s not a mental illness but that he has demons. She inaccurately applied Scripture, which I quickly corrected, but its still on my mind and still bothers me.
She has no idea what comments like that do to a person with a mental illness. Though I corrected her, its not my job nor is it my desire to be the grand educator. I don’t want to sit down the ignorant and set them straight, I just want to fight my battle without their words spinning in my universe.
When she said he has demons I thought to myself, she should never find out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder! That for sure would make her think I have Legions of demons in me.
When younger my mother used to tell me that my demons were upsetting her. My mother knew I had DID when I was at least a young teenager. She knew Morton by name and called him a demon. She said I’m possessed because of being a bad person. That too has stayed with me. I fight with the thought, that I’m a bad person, but I no longer fight the fear of having demons. My mother’s reason for saying it wasn’t ignorant beliefs it was cruelty and abuse. My sister knew I had others, too. She used to call out a young one to play. I don’t know if she still remembers that or not.
You know, I got to thinking, mental illness isn’t for the weak or ignorant. A person with a mental illness has to be one of the strongest people around because we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep our head above water. Then you add life events with it and you’ve got yourself one serious storm. We are not weak for having a mental illness, not even close.
The drawings included were created in the last few days as a way to survive myself.
Finding artwork created by alter personalities used to happen quite a bit. I thought it was strictly a thing of the past but I guess I was wrong. It would seem that I still find art I don’t know a thing about. I was quite shocked to see the piece called My Sister in the middle of the entry Half of Us and All. That piece is by Michelle and I have no recollection of it. I was relieved to see it though because I thought the only thing I am no capable of is abstract images in black and white. I thought I was all arted out or something. So when I saw her drawing and several of Robert’s drawings, I was quite pleased that we’ve still got some art images in us to put on paper. I’m not going to press it though. If all I can do is put ink on paper from corner to corner like in this entry then so be it. If other times I paint or draw something more ‘substantial’ then that’s fine, too.
Dr. D and I talked about my creative goals for next year. My goal is simple which means its going to be difficult. My goal is to have some fun, just let it be. That’s what I intend to do. I’m not going to force myself to create anything. I’m not going to nag myself or get down on myself. I create what I create. I paint what I paint.Â
I am also in a newer financial situation. For the first time in about ten years its not imperative that I sell art each month. My rent is affordable now.
Though I no longer get government assistance with food, I am at least able to budget the same amount I used to get so that my food purchases don’t need to change just because the money source did. Well, I shouldn’t say I don’t get foodstamps any longer. I get $15.00 each month for food from the government. I look at that number and just laugh. How did they come to that amount? I knew with rent so low I’d lose quite a few foodstamps but $15 is insulting. Even so, things are much easier now, financially speaking. Things got bad for a minute there.Â
Dr. D wanted to know if the subject matter of my art will change with stresses lower and with my goal of fun in mind. No. I doubt it. My art changes when something emotional happens in my life. The subject of my art changes when an alter paints instead of me or that alter is in therapy. Michelle (age 12) is taking some of the time for her stuff our in office sessions. Robert used to do that but hasn’t since we got sick last time. He’s sort of in a managerial position inside and is doing his very best to keep us all on the same page with things running smoothly. He’s busy keeping us sane, taking meds and dealing with CNA stuff. I’m happy to see he’s sketching and painting in the book. I’ll scan that next week. For now I just have black and white ink work which is art worked on by several of us. I have no intention of adding color.Â
This goal of creative fun is of interest to me because it comes at the tail end the honeymoon of my post hospitalization. I can tell I’m still very shocked and traumatized by what happened so it interests me that I would say I just want to have some fun. I don’t want to worry about producing something worthy of showing on the blog. I want the weight of my own criticism and expectations to no longer crush my creative process and enjoyment. I want to go with the flow more. I don’t want to see this as my job. Yeah, it is my job. I paint and sell my artwork and dolls. This is my employment, but never should I burden myself or load myself with unreachable expectations. So, lets see what stress I can throw off in 2019. Lets see if I can allow myself to have some creative fun.Â
Because my plate is full and I’m a bit overwhelmed with life, I’ve only set the one creative goal for 2019. I usually do three but not for the coming year.Â
Here’s a quick look at some of the art that is still looking for a wall of it’s own.
The Young Violinist
Resilience Tree – Risen
Available
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Original artwork can be purchased directly from this website Sundrip.com by using PayPal or from my Etsy shop. The Etsy shop no longer offers prints.
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Faith
The dry spell is over! I painted up a storm today. I completed the painting The Young Violinist as well as worked on a few other pieces such as flower girls and another sisters painting. It felt good.
I can’t seem to get myself to truly paint. It’s as if I’m stopped up. All I seem capable of is painting shapes and simple figures or dripping paint down a page. I keep doing it though.
These are all watercolor and ink on 8.5 x 5.5 paper.
Journaling until I’m blue in the face. Work in progress.
“Someone Else” in watercolor and acrylic. All work shown is on 8.5 x 5.5 paper.
“Froggie Smiles”. These are photographs. I’m looking forward to scanning so these look right. This is much darker than the actual painting. I’m working on the details of all these pieces. Once I have the colors in mind it doesn’t take long to finish.
This last one was created for the sole purpose of testing out new paints. It’s a paint pallet sheet. Sometimes when I just need to draw but there’s nothing specific to do, I draw lines on paper this way and wait to use it later to test paint or clean brushes.
The last few days have been torture. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. The amputation site is having an electric storm of shock and neuropathy. It’s been a bad few days and I’ve done very little reaching out. I’ve just been waiting for medication time!
The foot that was amputated coincidentally was the foot with Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Though amputated for other reasons, I hoped the RSD fire and pain would stop, it didn’t and won’t. It doesn’t work that way. Continue reading “Enduring the Days”
Awhile ago I did an encaustic mixed media piece created with Crayola and acrylic paint. Though I liked the way it turned out I thought it might be even better toned down a bit. I decided to go back and make it less abstract. The first step was to gather all my tools.
All you need is above and they are easy to acquire, household tools I used to melt wax and crayons for encaustic art. Since these are household used in encaustic painting, you will have to be careful to monitor the heat.
Small glass jar or empty aluminum tea candle
Coffee mug warmer or tea candle oil warmer
Crafting iron
Toothpick or small scraper such as clay tools
Wax paper or Parchment paper
With those basics I was able to warm blues and greens then smooth them over the crafted canvas.
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I mentioned in the original entry that the painting is on Viva Paper towels. Let me explain; the paper towels were layered with wax then gesso and Mod Podge until I had a nice surface. Continue reading “DIY Encaustic Tools and Painting”
