Times 32 on the multifunctional remote, flash blurred scenes for you. My eyes have processed them all, bit by bit, no translation of hue or tone lost to speed.
I see. I hear. I can't make it stop.
Pulled plugs, short circuit, a hundred failed attempts to rewire.
Still I hear
every car honk, every cellphone ring and every exasperated, exhausted,
needy inner plea, burned in the screen of my mind .
This may look familiar. I've had it forever. "The Tin Man". He also reminds me of a puppet on strings and the need for freedom. From what?
From the things that wrap around pnd me. I feel tangled. I feel lost, pulled in several different directions, floating above unstable ground. MY HEART IS BROKEN and I can't seem to make it stop hurting.
Go here and get twisted around so you'll feel better and, less pain.
Go here and for this doctor's magic.
I just want to see my therapist again. I want to remember his face. I saw him in person today but he was so blurry. I couldn't see him.
I was betrayed.
I did exactly as I was told. I was told that if I take opiates exactly as I was told, I would be fine. I'm not fine!
I did not abuse my medication. I did not take more than I was supposed to take. As a matter of fact I was afraid of the medication, because I did not want to be an addict or one with a body dependent on the medication. But here I am 4 years later and I have been hospitalized because of the seizures and the sheer force of my body's refusal to accept that I will not continue to put opiates in it.
Have you ever had a person tell you a "poor me" story and you just didn't want to hear It'it? Its a legitimate grief and loss,however, I just couldn't listen to it.... I wanted to get mean with her. I wanted to tell her she's not the only person in the world that has problems.
The entire time I thought these things, I couldn't say them. I couldn't do it. I wanted to slap her. I want tell her to get a grip, get herself together. Get up and shut up!.... yet that cruelty could not be justified. We all have a day when we have met the wrong person at the wrong time. But no matter where we are, there is no satisfaction in causing harm to another person. There's always plenty of time to stop and think,but there is not enough time in the world to take back hurtful words we've said.
UPDATE - A positive update hasn't been written yet. Please remember that my emotions are all over the place as I come off of Percocet 10-325mg for a legitimate health issue. I'm spent.
This is true - he said that fms is a chemical response. That is a true statement. FMS is a chemical embalance. I have known that for a good long time but how dare I say it with just a city college education? Doctors don't listen to each other let alone me.
Fear causes a chemical response. Depression, joy, arousal, pain. The body has to process these chemicals correctly or you are screwed. That's a very simplistic way to explain it. When he said it to me I about fell over because I've believed it for a long time. PTSD can jack up your adrenal system something fierce because of the flood of adrenaline all the time. The body was never meant to be abused, especially by its own chemical make up and system of nerves. ...continue reading "My emotions are raw – POSITIVE UPDATE"
For me, no matter why a relationship ends prematurely, it still feels like a huge personal failure.
I saw the pain specialist (Dr Red) for the last time today. I'll see the new one soon. I can only shake my head at how things went with her. My general practitioner is on his way out, too. He's cocky, dismissive and condescending. Dr Red is argumentative and unapproachable. Both places usually end in tears and upset. I hate ending a professional relationship (or any) just because the other person refuses to have a reasonable conversation.
I should have left Dr Red a long time ago but I wanted to lay down some roots with a doctor so that we could make marked progress. To uproot is to pause progress for a list of medical issues that fall under the category of "morbidity" and "guarded". I need every advantage I can get. ...continue reading "Rejection and Endings"