Subject matter: death of a little boy.
The left shoulder going all the way to the toe on my left side spasmed for hours. The pain was so intense I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it through. Four friends assisted me through it. It's a strange feeling to think to yourself, I'm drying, but the pain was so intense I thought I wasn't going to make it.......then I did. I slept for a while then got up Sunday afternoon to paint away some anxiety.
I was punching the brush on the canvas. I realized just how hard I was hitting the canvas, then I just stopped and cried. I was crying out of sheer exhaustion.
I pushed the small canvas away and pulled out a clean one and began painting. I was thinking about this 11 year old boy whose body shut down. I was painting a sympathy card for his mother and father. I kept thinking, why him and not me? I thought, he was just 11 years old. His family loved him. He had family who wanted him and yet I am the one who survived the night. I thought to myself, what good am I to anyone? Then it hit me, I'm painting a sympathy card for a family who lost their son. I'm part of the group that's encouraging and supporting the family. I have a life time goal to be of encouragement to those who need it. I'm increasing my education to be able to offer hope, that's what I'm doing.... and it's what I want to do. I can encourage in English, French and American Sign Language. That's what I'm doing now that I've survived the night. ...continue reading "A young child with Lupus died. Processing."
I'm restless...anxious. Sometimes when I get this way it feels like I need to put something inside me to calm down. I feel like I need to scribble on paper while pacing the floors with the a movie playing and the radio on at the same time. I need to rip my stomach out. I need to go to my bed and pull the covers over me but that's not going to work because I'll just lie there and my head will keep going and going. I can feel my hair on my neck, it feels like it weights a ton. I promised not to cut it. I'm restless. I think if I change something big then it'll fix whatever it is that's wrong with me, even though I don't really know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm so anxious. I have anxiety meds, they might as well be candy.
I've seen my frogs change their skin and I thought, man I'd like to do that. It's as if they peel off their skin from the bottom then lift it over their head as if to lift off a dress or a shirt. Off with the old, now the new is bright and pretty. They do it in one swish, expertly. ...continue reading "Uncertainty brings anxiety"
I went to the doc today. The new diagnosis means I'm listened to, strange feeling.
I'm going to say the same thing I've been saying and I mean it just s much as the first time I said it. I hurt. From head to toe, I hurt.
I do not want to roll over and get out my Purple Pack of supplies that'll help me make it through this. I feel too tired, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to let myself cry. I'm going to let myself melt into the mattress warmed by the best blanket on earth. What a God send, that electric blanket.
...continue reading "Falling with the temperature"