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The task was put to me to take a photo of myself monthly. By doing so I could see what I really look like as opposed to how I think I look. I feel like a slob. I feel disgusting and embarrassed to be seen. I feel ugly.

Any compliment goes in one ear and out of the other.

Lately I've treated myself the way I feel about myself which isn't good. I didn't take a photo last month either. When I had to do steroid treatments again I felt like, what's the point of trying to lose weight when I end up on steroids and gain double what I lost?

...continue reading "Closing the Gap Between Emotions and Reality"


handmade clay button I'm pleased to say I had an uneventful shopping trip. This is the 3rd time I've used my little clay button that asks people not to touch me. People do that here so much. They will touch you in a minute.

I've had one cashier ask what's wrong with me. I just said, I have chronic pain. I changed the subject.

I don't need to have the small plaque on my backpack when I see my psychologist because people in the waiting room are not touchy feely there. Last week while at Dr D's office, a man ask why I have on the brace / vest. He then told me that one of his daughters has some kind of issue. I don't remember. Then he said, I'd rather people ask questions than stare. I didn't say anything.

...continue reading "My Stuff and Your Stuff"


One of the difficulties with me is that medications stop working after a bit. With the new treatment I had 3 or 4 days where the pain was a level 7 or sometimes a six. I call that a great day. I'm getting a day week at an eight which is manageable, it's when I climb toward that 9 that things get ugly. In the last month I've hit a ten 3 times. Once I didn't need to take the "lights out" medication because I laid down and was gone!

I told him about what the guy from Flickr said, to let my mind float down into my pencil. I told Dr. D that its frightening to let go. The guy who suggested I let my mind float down into the pencil, has art that looks like an X-ray of my head. One piece is full of movement from edge to edge. Images seemed to struggle with one another for space. I really liked that piece. I'm reminded of the scribble drawings by a Boho chick out in the desert. She calls her scribbles intuitive. They're amazing though.  ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Art. Lupus. Soccer."


ITime - My Obsessions have issues with idiots. As a matter of fact, I'm allergic to stupid people. They make me itch. I cannot stand stupid people, especially when they're dripping with it. That GP who was nice one time in a year and a half has gone right back to dripping stupid all over the place! An employee who is aware of his lack of ....everything.... gave me two phone numbers to call. I called, did an interview with a doctor's nurse and will see a new doc mid March. I should have asked one major question, but I didn't.  I couldn't bring myself to ask. I suppose nothing is final.

I'm a chronic pain patient with mental health issues. I'm emotional. I'm dissociative and my body is a mess.

...continue reading "The Perfect Storm – Medical Care and Mental Health"


My ears are ringing as though a thousand cicadas cling to my brain. The only other time cicadas were deafening was during the night in Tyler, Texas.

I'm worried about how often my pain is out of control. I know this body is resistant to treatment. I hoped for longer with this treatment.
updated:I hope the changing weather is to blame for most of this. I can't believe how many times I've had to take my "lights out" medication so as not to feel that 9 or 10 pain level. I don't wake feeling like I have a hang over. I wake no less than 6 hours later. I can't do it more than once a day though so I have to decide when the right time is to take it.

I'm down for the count. I had to put the Etsy shop on vacation. It'll open as soon as possible.
updated: There is a short period of time where shipments will be delayed. If you choose to place an order after Feb 25th your shipping date will be March 5th. Thank you for your understanding.
Live free
Create well

I have a new general practitioner. ...continue reading "Thoughts – Updated"

Written 2/19/16
Right now I'm rather tired, it's been a very long day. My uvula swelled, got long and began choking me.

It's funny, I had harsh thoughts about my mother's COPD but today I was the one who could not breath. My throat and uvula swelled twice, and twice I was rather alarmed when I could not breath.

I'm home from the hospital now and I'm in bed. I've got more meds to take. In addition to medication I have a different perspective concerning personally passing down judgemental for crimes committed against me.

...continue reading "Every Breath"

I do blender juicing. the arguments about how this isn't true juicing....

Because I use a blender it means I need ice cubes or to use the puree setting with added water. I used extra water today.

There are several recipes for beet juice, some with carrot and celery, some without. The recipe used depends on individual needs and preferences.  This is the recipe I made today.

1 cup water
1 small beet, cut into 1 inch pieces
1.5 small apples, skin on half of one, fully peeled the other, cut into small pieces
1 Tbsp fresh ginger, peeled

  • Because I'm using a blender and not a juicer, I started with my liquid ingredient.
  • Using the skin or peel of the fruits will give added nutrients.
  • I used the pulp setting to get it all smoothed out, turned it to blend then added extra water at the very end.

I did not strain my juice because I knew I wasn't going to eat today. If I don't want it next time then I'll strain it. With this recipe I added extra ginger because I wanted to have a little more pain control. The beet and apple really compliment one another and give a natural sweet flavor that I really enjoy.

What are the benefits of beet juice recipes?
The nutritional value is high. Vitamin A, C, K, iron, magnesium, potassium, on and on and on. It has been used to lower blood pressure. It's been used to for its anti inflammatory properties as well as its antioxidant power. There's a list long list of supposed benefits from beat juice. My main interest is its anti inflammatory and antioxidant properties.   ...continue reading "Beet Apple Ginger Juice….in a blender"


When I went to see the doctor today I went with a plan of action. I decided to talk to his nurse, with whom I'm on good terms, and let her know exactly why I was there. I talked to her, let her give him whatever she retained, then I talked to him.

I went in because 1) I was told by a person from his office he wasn't going to be comfortable with writing scripts for me despite the fact that none of them are narcotics. 2) She insisted I had not called in updates when I know very well I did. She was so insistent and forceful that I finally told her, no, I don't know who I talked to when I called and no, I didn't write down the date. I didn't realize I'd have this inquisition. I said, I don't even know your name! She said, I told you when I answered the phone. She repeated it, but that's not the name I was calling her. Ya cow! 3) She then went on to say that my general practitioner wouldn't feel comfortable writing my scripts and that I'd need to go to a pain specialist. 4) I discovered I had a script at the pharmacy for 5 days worth of muscle relaxers. .......I was so mad because it appeared that what she said was true, my GP wasn't comfortable doing what GP's do.

...continue reading "From the Horses Mouth"

Dr. D and I talked about how I have a general practitioner who kind of reminds me of my sister. He acts like he doesn't even want to be in the room. The last time I saw him I was there about 5 min. When I came out Momma (Betty) stood up and said, "What's wrong?" I said, "It was a wham bam thank you ma'am kinda visit". He didn't look at me. He walked to the computer, had his back to me, asked me why I was there, signed a sheet of paper and sent me over to a orthopedic surgeon. Dr. D said, maybe he's like that with all his patients. I said, I heard he is, but I'm not talking about all his patients, I'm talking about me. He interrupts me while I'm talking, etc, etc, etc.

While talking to Dr. D I said that I'm afraid of him, of most people. I'm emotional. I cry. I'm shaking on that table. Fully clothed, shaking. And now I think to myself, maybe that's why he doesn't touch me that often. Maybe that's why he stands across the room.

Last time though, he shocked me. He was examining my shoulder and instead of asking me to move my hair back, that no good so-in-so flipped my dreads out of the way. Oh heck no!! I know you didn't!!! Ok. Do not...ever...touch....the dreads!! That should not happen tomorrow cause I have a feeling the Jordan will dry up and I will get ghetto. Oh...huh uh, I know you didn't. My neck will start moving, one hand will face him sort of limp like and ghetto Jordan will make a stand!

...continue reading "Therapy Review: Shattered Windshield"

The last thing I want to do is lay in bed struggling with the weather and pain levels. I am grateful that I don't have to. My pdoc (psychiatrist) gave me something to help knock me out for a bit. I've used it 2x in 3 months with last night being one of those nights. I'm about to make it a third.

I slept like a rock last night. After I take it I've got about 20 min to get in bed or I may sleep on the floor in the kitchen or in the living room with my head wedged between the sofa and the table. I could fall asleep on the throne and then land on the floor. It's best if I get everything in order, turned off or on, then put myself under the covers.

I'll be out no less than 6 hours. When my pain level starts to inch to a 9, it's time to knock myself out. My left side is eating at me something terrible and it hurts for the cat to touch me. My tailbone is acting crazy. It's time to go to sleep while this weather system moves in.


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