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Art Art therapy Lupus Sketchbook diary The People Behind My Eyes

Saturday is moving day

I got the apartment and move in Saturday! I already have the keys and lease. I’m excited and a bit nervous, mostly excited. I have to figure out how to fit my stuff in this place. One thing I know is I’ll have a 55 gallon aquarium in there! Somehow, some way, that aquarium WILL […]

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Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Raynaud’s Syndrome or something else?

My toes were so cold I wanted to get under the blanket, better yet I could warm imaginary toes beside and imaginary heater and get better results. I experienced, for the first time, this phantom pain they talked about. It’s where you can feel the limb that was removed. One man said he could feel […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Apartment Possibilities and the Wheelchair

I’ve gotten a hold of all the paperwork I need to apply for the wheelchair accessible apartment! I have everything I need! Oh I can’t wait to have my own place again. Since this started I’ve had zero personal space either physically or environmentally. People touch and prod, observe and examine, when and where they […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Abstract Art Acrylic on Paper Art Chronic Pain Expressionsim Lupus Originals Paintings PTSD The People Behind My Eyes Women of Strength

Enduring the Days

The last few days have been torture. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. The amputation site is having an electric storm of shock and neuropathy. It’s been a bad few days and I’ve done very little reaching out. I’ve just been waiting for medication time! The foot […]

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Art Chronic Pain Digital Art Expressionsim I'm only human PTSD Surreal The People Behind My Eyes

Not Cut and Dry

I asked you to do the surgery. You said you could or a colleague but I trusted my life in your hands. It felt like there was so much at stake, more to lose than body parts. I can’t explain how afraid I was that I’d throw a blood clot or bleed to death. I […]

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Chronic Pain Digital Art Faces I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes Women of Strength

The Brave Face

I’m not brave. I’m not. I’m not rolling with the punches, I’m just getting punched. As I said, I’ve walked through the fire and I’m all burned up. I’m skinny, starving for a moment of real rest, of relief.

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Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

The Surgeon Who Stole My Toes

I see “the surgeon” tomorrow, the one who amputated my toes. I wonder what kind of person it takes to look at a foot rotted black, take a saw and hack off a body part to be thrown away? What allows his mind to go there and his hands to follow? Though beyond repair, black […]

Categories
Art Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Looking and Moving Forward

I have a few more art supplies coming from Amazon.com which will give my heart another reason to beat happily. I don’t look happy in the photo bc I’m not. I was at the beginning of whatever my body is doing right now. I’m hacking and spitting up, vomiting and utterly miserable feeling. That’s how […]

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Anxiety Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus Major Depression PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

A difficult start

12 painful stairs to a tiny room. Each step felt like I couldn’t cry any more than I did one step earlier. I made it up the stairs and laid on the air mattress with a slow leak and asked myself, “is it worth it?” can’t I just stop taking meds and let nature take […]

Categories
Anxiety Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Pain and Healing

Fact: With healing comes pain. And I’m in a lot of pain. It makes me angry and irritable. I’m tired of it. I am healing. The surgery incision is closing naturally and looks clean. Despite pains that shoot through it, it’s healthy and progressing well. I’m irritable and sensitive.