I got the apartment and move in Saturday! I already have the keys and lease. I’m excited and a bit nervous, mostly excited. I have to figure out how to fit my stuff in this place. One thing I know is I’ll have a 55 gallon aquarium in there! Somehow, some way, that aquarium WILL […]
My toes were so cold I wanted to get under the blanket, better yet I could warm imaginary toes beside and imaginary heater and get better results. I experienced, for the first time, this phantom pain they talked about. It’s where you can feel the limb that was removed. One man said he could feel […]
I’ve gotten a hold of all the paperwork I need to apply for the wheelchair accessible apartment! I have everything I need! Oh I can’t wait to have my own place again. Since this started I’ve had zero personal space either physically or environmentally. People touch and prod, observe and examine, when and where they […]
The last few days have been torture. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. The amputation site is having an electric storm of shock and neuropathy. It’s been a bad few days and I’ve done very little reaching out. I’ve just been waiting for medication time! The foot […]
I asked you to do the surgery. You said you could or a colleague but I trusted my life in your hands. It felt like there was so much at stake, more to lose than body parts. I can’t explain how afraid I was that I’d throw a blood clot or bleed to death. I […]
I’m not brave. I’m not. I’m not rolling with the punches, I’m just getting punched. As I said, I’ve walked through the fire and I’m all burned up. I’m skinny, starving for a moment of real rest, of relief.
I see “the surgeon” tomorrow, the one who amputated my toes. I wonder what kind of person it takes to look at a foot rotted black, take a saw and hack off a body part to be thrown away? What allows his mind to go there and his hands to follow? Though beyond repair, black […]
I have a few more art supplies coming from Amazon.com which will give my heart another reason to beat happily. I don’t look happy in the photo bc I’m not. I was at the beginning of whatever my body is doing right now. I’m hacking and spitting up, vomiting and utterly miserable feeling. That’s how […]
12 painful stairs to a tiny room. Each step felt like I couldn’t cry any more than I did one step earlier. I made it up the stairs and laid on the air mattress with a slow leak and asked myself, “is it worth it?” can’t I just stop taking meds and let nature take […]
Fact: With healing comes pain. And I’m in a lot of pain. It makes me angry and irritable. I’m tired of it. I am healing. The surgery incision is closing naturally and looks clean. Despite pains that shoot through it, it’s healthy and progressing well. I’m irritable and sensitive.