I wasn't nearly as afraid when I was in the thick of it. I knew what was stacked against me. I understood the odds were not in my favor yet I didn't constantly think about dying. I knew I wanted to live. Once I realized I may lose as much as both legs I tried to figure out how to live with it. Even at the time when I couldn't move at all and I couldn't feel from the waste down, I still tried to manage in my head how to live that way. If for some reason I didn't regain feeling and movement, I never once thought being bedbound was a reason to die. ...continue reading "A Thousand Miles"
I was shaking from head to toe. I couldn't think. I was naked, in the shower with a nurses aid standing beside me. A black woman was touching me! I might as well have been a child with my mother in the shower, that's why I was shaking. It didn't matter that the CNA was there to help and it doesn't matter that this happened several days ago. It's still heavy on my mind, still makes me shake. ...continue reading "Surviving Triggers"
I'm going to be in the hospital for a few days. Despite being on blood thinners my body has still created a blood clot behind my knee. There's an abnormality in the left lung but I'm not sure what that means, if anything at all.
When the doctor gave me all the information and options, I burst into tears!
I've been told to be strong. I've been told to have faith and courage and not to give up hope. I've been told I can take this... again... That I may not want to do it again but I can take it, I can manage more. I cried some more then thought, I'll try.
I'll try to tap into that girl inside, the fearless one, the head first, won't quit girl. Right now I'm angry and tired. I just want to go home, my home. I don't want to fight for every breath. I don't want this pain anymore and I want my dang on toes back. But what I need and want are different. I need a jackhammer to get to the part of me that can keep going at this pace and level of pain.
In all honesty, I may fall apart but I don't know how to give up.
The part of me that can keep the pace isn't far away. Perhaps she's letting me get out tears so we have more room for fight.
Update: The plan is not surgery but to up the dose of my shot a little bit and add an asprin. No surgery! I should only be here a few days. Also, I have the same group of doctors from the big surgery two months ago. They're still following me.
I'm relieved. They feel the clot is small enough that surgery is not needed.
I take life for granted until I go head first into a moment that tangles with sobriety. My eyes are wide open to how fragile people are and how they too live life blinded, until they absolutely have to see.
I've got another blood clot situation. My fear is that it'll threaten the left leg.
The other day I was tucked in bed when it hit me - I miss popcorn. I miss homemade, buttery, kernel corn. I miss fruit drinks on movie night. What I really miss is life as I knew it. I miss the chaotic apartment, the art, the high and driven spirit that set goals, and wanted to live as more than a survivor. The more I let myself think about what I miss, the further away I got from acceptance of this new life and its possibilities.
I'm not emotionally strong enough to look back and think about what I miss. I have to focus forward. I have to work on accepting or letting go according to my abilities. It's hard to focus that much though. It's hard not to panic and scream, IT'S NOT FAIR! I know it's not fair. I absolutely know it but to sit in that right now isn't going to help anything. It won't help me focus on the things that are within my control. I need to focus on options and care plans not each piece of life I miss. If I do that I'll rob myself of much needed energy. I need all my energy because Lord knows I'm tired.
I stood twice then transfered to the toilet on my own. I needed help with getting back in the chair and getting my brief on. I transfered to bed on my own, exhausted, discouraged a bit. But it's early, right? It was only the 7th that I had surgery.
The CNA asked me if I would have to pay full price for a pedicure. We both laughed. ☺ The child is sick. Lol
I felt very "disabled". There I was stranded on the toilet stark naked except for the depends hanging low and left. Obviously I could take the victory in all this but I can see what all it took to wrestle w the hospital gown and lose the battle leaving me butt naked like a toddler on a potty chair. I got it in the right spot, and on time. What am I, two?
Every minute counts because every minute is energy to complete a task. If I miscalculate and overestimate, then I'm screwed. This is where humility comes in. Accept the limitation or pay the consequence.
Today I counted right. Today I can be irritated and I can laugh at myself.
When I realized I'd need help getting back in the chair I laughed at myself because I was stranded on the toilet. Go figure. I knew I could get back in the chair but I couldn't manage the brief, get dressed and wash my hands. So I pulled the "Help Me" call light and waited. I told her what I had energy for and what I needed help with. A few min later I was successfully back in bed.
It's an ordeal, a math lesson, a test of humility. It's a reminder of what can be taken for granted and of the times we have to let go.
Good things that happen this week
First and foremost, thank you for letting me survive the surgery. I was scared.
Thank you for all the friends that showed up.
Thank you for good sleep and times where I was able to cry and release grief.
Thank you for reminders to see the bigger picture, see beyond this moment and know that both now and the future matter.
Thank you for humor with friends and nursing staff. We had a hilarious time tasting guava fruit. It was fresh but not ripe, and very nasty but funny to see the facial expressions because of the tart taste.
Thanks for strong pain medication that keeps most of the really bad pain at bay.