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Machinery 2
Machinery 2

In a comment to a reader I began listing off more reasons why it feels pointless to trust any doctor or treatment.

She said "I’m naked when I try to shed the blanket for more than a few minutes."

I understand that. I feel Naked. I feel Exposed. I feel Defenseless. I throw myself at the mercy of doctors who do not oblige me to the proper degree.

My response to her comment got me to thinking. When I went to a doctor I went stripped, exhausted, desperate. I was willing to do whatever they told me to do. Again and again I ran into abusive doctors or flat out incompetent ones. I took crap off people for one reason only - a means to an end. I needed help. I could not control the pain. I handed myself over because I felt I could not continue living at the rate I was going.

What has occurred to me here is that while feeling defeated I gave much of my power and voice to clowns. Each time they failed in an epic way, so too the will to assert myself. I floundered from promise to treatment doing exactly what I've spent 20 years in therapy learning not to do. Do not give away my voice or power. ...continue reading "I know what’s different. I’m at the helm."

It's confirmed.  I've managed to have enough to get there for three days, then return. Betty said, "You know I'm going to worry."  Yup, I do, but, I'm going! I haven't been able to travel since 2012. I refuse to ever ride down with mom again. Never! OMG! That woman has a PhD in nagging. Oh my gosh! This year I'm riding with Wonka and his wife Blue. They have 10 year old twin boys and a girl about 13 yrs old. I call the twins the dynamic duo.

Again, there will be 7000 people. Dr. D asked a long time ago how I'll handle the noise. It's a different kind of noise. It's not a concert. It's certainly nothing like going to a super Walmart with 7000 people . For that, I'd call in sick. The person beside me won't yell Amen. No one will fall in the aisle unless they're disabled. Jumping around and screaming out doesn't mix well with PTSD.

...continue reading "Mid July Trip. Kids. Sleep. Meds."

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This may look familiar. I've had it forever. "The Tin Man". He also reminds me of a puppet on strings and the need for freedom. From what?

Tin Man - is still available
Tin Man - Available

From the things that wrap around pnd me. I feel tangled. I feel lost, pulled in several different directions, floating above unstable ground. MY HEART IS BROKEN and I can't seem to make it stop hurting.

Go here and get twisted around so you'll feel better and, less pain.

Go here and for this doctor's magic.

I just want to see my therapist again. I want to remember his face. I saw him in person today but he was so blurry. I couldn't see him.

...continue reading "A Month of Strings 1"

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I'm still trying to come to terms with the health scare.

Patience - unavailable
Patience - unavailable

I micromanaged every move for fear it would be my last. I thought about a journal I've lost touch with, a girl who wrote about the "indignity of death." How is she? Where is she? I cleaned my room because no one should have to clean it up. I started to take out the trash but I was tired. Then I thought, if I won't be here tomorrow I should turn off the heat, ya know? I thought about doing my hair then realized it wouldn't matter. I never thought, I need to throw away this or that so no one finds it.

...continue reading "A Month of Strings 2"

It's 5:05am. I'm back in from walking outside. I took the trash out too. This is bad. I was going into full body spasms again. Big time  paranoid, head 100 mph. I took the patch off and took pain meds. I went outside and walked as fast as I could. I am steady when I'm not so medicated. I walked for only 15 min or so. There's a cop that stays at the park.

I can't do this at home unsupervised.

As I walked I could feel my body start to cramp, not seize, but cramp. Then a tiny rain drop hit my nose. Ah, there's a big PART of the problem, the barometric pressure changed. Part of me wishes it would never rain again. But then we'd miss the smell of water on earth. We'd miss how soft it can land on our noses. :-).

I didn't fail. I didn't. I just need more help than I have with ridding my body of the substance that won't even let me walk down the stairs safely.

...continue reading "I’m not a failure – Opiate Withdrawal"

I was betrayed.
I did exactly as I was told. I was told that if I take opiates exactly as I was told, I would be fine. I'm not fine!

I did not abuse my medication. I did not take more than I was supposed to take. As a matter of fact I was afraid of the medication, because I did not want to be an addict or one with a body dependent on the medication. But here I am 4 years later and I have been hospitalized because of the seizures and the sheer force of my body's refusal to accept that I will not continue to put opiates in it.

...continue reading "Opiate withdrawal from medical treatment"

My emotions are raw.

UPDATE - A positive update hasn't been written yet. Please remember that my emotions are all over the place as I come off of Percocet 10-325mg for a legitimate health issue. I'm spent.

This is true - he said that fms is a chemical response. That is a true statement. FMS is a chemical embalance. I have known that for a good long time but how dare I say it with just a city college education? Doctors don't listen to each other let alone me.

Fear causes a chemical response. Depression, joy, arousal, pain. The body has to process these chemicals correctly or you are screwed. That's a very simplistic way to explain it. When he said it to me I about fell over because I've believed it for a long time. PTSD can jack up your adrenal system something fierce because of the flood of adrenaline all the time. The body was never meant to be abused, especially by its own chemical make up and system of nerves.  ...continue reading "My emotions are raw – POSITIVE UPDATE"

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