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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain I'm only human The People Behind My Eyes

Lupus and Heroin

I stay seconds from tears. I can laugh and engage but it feels like tears are just behind my eyes waiting to escape. Today I listened to a set of symposiums on courage and just balled my eyes out. I do not feel courageous, I feel broken. I feel like I’ve got a lot to […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Not the right kind of pain

I got a call from a medical supply company saying I don’t have the right kind of pain for my insurance to cover TENS unit pads. I laughed. She said, “I can hear the anger in your voice.” I said, “As we speak, my shoulder muscle is so tight that my pain level is rising […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Finding Up. Amateur Herbalist.

This evening I’ll go to services at the Hall but at half point I’ll be taken home by another Lupie. She’s part of the group I work with. I would like to stay for the entire meeting but I know I’m not physically up to it. When I go to the Kingdom Hall I sometimes […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Getting Med Refills from the Doctor that Fired Me

Content: Difficulty with doctor and medications. High risk of suicide for CRSD patients. Strong support system. Angry. All my meds are up for renewal. The pharmacy has to call the GP to refill meds for the time that I’m still legally under his care. If they deny refills I will go to one of the […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

The broken yet determined chronically ill patient

I am emotional in most GP visits because the doctor has to touch me and it hurts. Also, sitting in the doctor’s office feels like my denial blinds have been lifted. At least outside the office I have a measure of time where I’m not thinking of my body and what has been lost, but […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Lupus CRSD Suicide and Survival

I’m battling my mind and body. I’ve had sporadic periods where pain has knocked me off my feet. Funny thing is, at the time I remember thinking to myself, I understand suicide. That thought would be strange if it wasn’t for my brother’s death being fresh on my mind. The lack of information concerning my […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Chronic Pain Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

Lupus. Smartphones. Tea and Smoke.

It’s cold. I’m aching. This Lupus moment has been brought to you by Samsung Smartphone’s, where overheating batteries double as cordless heating pads. After reading in bed, I realized my phone was warm. I cupped it then held it to my face relishing the warmth, then I remembered that my smartphone is a Samsung and this bad […]

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Anxiety PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

PTSD. Mental Health Renovation.

Today I begin the process of bottling up tinctures and oils used to help with Lupus and Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. The tinctures help ease pain, decrease inflammation and strengthen my immune system. Today I’ll press out the lavender infusion and bottling that before I start on tinctures. The last thing I want is to cross contaminate […]

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Anxiety PTSD Siblings abused The People Behind My Eyes

She’s All I Think About

The timing of this crisis with my sister is one that has been brought to my attention more than once, but I reject the idea that I should see this upset as anything other than coincidence. She hates me, she’s not going to manipulate a person she hates by saying she’s going to kill herself. […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Chronic Pain Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

I’m Fine

February is Suicide Awareness month. People ask all the time, “How are you?” I say, I’m trying to manage. No hugs are shared. At that time I may not be in so much pain I can’t be touched but I still decline a hug. the truth is, i’m not okay. hardly ever am i okay. […]