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Abuse Anxiety Dreams Lupus PTSD Siblings abused The People Behind My Eyes

Dreams

Content – Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. My dreams have ranged from strange to emotional to terrifying. Last night I had a dream I lost my identity but was assisted by a stranger to get it back. When I was handed papers that confirmed what I was saying all along, I am in fact Faith Austin, […]

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Anxiety The People Behind My Eyes

Cracks and Judgements

The CNA is was different today. There were cracks in the peace here. She was touchy, sensitive. I was messing with her and put a leaf that fell off my plant in the middle of the table where she sits. She said it wasn’t funny and proceeded to tell me to be nice and how […]

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(CRSD) Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Anxiety Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes Therapy Review

Therapy Review : Suicide Disease. Hope Art.

Content – Talk of suicidal feelings surrounding Chronic Relex Sympathetic Dystrophy (CRSD), some hopelessness, hope art and talk of anniversary dates. We talked about how hopeless it feels to walk into the ER believing it’s a source of relief only to be told that there’s a crisis out there that has nothing to do with […]

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Anxiety Art Art therapy Artists Thoughts Experimental design Mixed Media Paper PTSD Sketchbook diary The People Behind My Eyes

What If. Art Thoughts.

All ‘what if’ roads lead to nowhere. I got to thinking, what if I get this art table but I still don’t paint? Then of course my head took off, so I decided to sit in my wheelchair at the dinner table and paint a ‘what if’ road map. What if I struggle with the […]

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Anxiety Art therapy Artists Thoughts Life is like a box of The People Behind My Eyes Therapy Review

Table Trouble

Dr D and I again discussed my inability to paint. It pains me that I feel incapable of it. I still don’t trust the same though I’m getting better. But I also realized that I don’t have the same amount of alone time I once had before everything fell apart. I needed alone time to […]

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Anxiety I'm only human The People Behind My Eyes

Fun with friends

They came for tea and a meal of chicken with sides. They came to see the frogs, fish, snails and the cat. We had the best time, we really did. I need to let myself be ok with the good time. Don’t think of what I could have done differently or let my brain beat […]

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Anxiety The People Behind My Eyes

Music and Emotional Spoons

I hardly ever do this anymore. It’s been months since I turned on music for myself. Music is emotional for me, anxiety provoking. I feel so deeply with it that it’s often uncomfortable. But this time I turned it on, lay on the bed and took it all in. I don’t know. It seems significant […]

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Anxiety Art PTSD The People Behind My Eyes Therapy Review

The Reconstruction

Several walls got knocked down. I need to figure out how to build them up with security but also openness. Dr D and I talked about how I now see life as before and after the hospitalization. It’s as if it blew a hole in the middle of my life, my reality and sense of […]

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Abuse Anxiety PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Give an inch

“Take your stump and lay down.” It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn’t. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness. There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today’s firing. She had been here several months but […]

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Anxiety Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus The People Behind My Eyes

A little this and that

It’s still a bit difficult to reach out, but I did with a friend this evening. I told her what the surgeon’s prognosis is. I decided to risk and tell her that for an hour or so each morning I struggle with the feeling that it was pointless to wake up. It takes a good […]