Sundrip Journals
The third cup was delightful!
Anxiety has been rather high as neighbors try me…. My paint brushes fly in an embarrassing flurry. My heart is troubled. I remember I have coping skills. I have friends and I have anger enough to propel me forward one more step, one more day.
Faith Magdalene
A nurse came out to assess me for continued in home nursing. I asked about the difficulties I have with speech but not with reading. She said my speech and memory issues are related to the stroke.
For example, say I may want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I’ll get the bread and peanut butter, however I will ask the nurse to get the jelly. I can see the jar in my head but the word won’t come out for anything. But if the jar is turned around with the label facing me then I can read it and say “may I have the jelly please”. Otherwise we could be sitting there for three weeks with me trying to get the word jelly out of my mouth. I can picture the object in my head but it’s as if the word is trapped.
I’m not accustomed to being believed. It was hard to admit how often it happens.
The nurse said this is related to the stroke. I thought I was just growing stupid with age. As it turns out, it’s not stupidity at all, but a symptom of something else.
Sometimes the words used to describe myself are a bit harsh.
When in bed, only in bed, primarily on my right side, heavier at the feet and head, my body jerks really hard, like really hard. Hard enough to wake me. I have a semi electric hospital bed, noise thing. I jerked really hard, slammed on the bed frame and woke the neighbor directly above me. We have paper thin walls, but still. Not sure if the doc is going to take that seriously or if it’s going to get brushed aside like many things appear to. I know when I lie down I’m going to have to deal with the hard jerking around. It seems to have increased lately. Interesting.
Faith
I screamed myself awake, and possibly my neighbors, around 6 this morning. I don’t exactly remember the dream. I just remember it was horrible and I was terrified. I was kicking and screaming. But I didn’t catch it on camera because my camera wasn’t set up. I hate that.
I wish I had caught that on camera so I can see what I was doing before and what I was doing after. I would like to have seen Joe’s reaction. After much struggling I finally had the camera set up so we’ll see how tonight goes.
Today has been really difficult. I have been scattered brained. I’ve messed up just about everything I’ve touched; everything I touched broke today so I’m pretty annoyed.
It’s just one of those days so I decided to list things that are good in my life. I listed five things that are blessings in my life because if not then it was just going to be an overwhelming day of sadness that seemed all for nothing. So I did, I came up with five things. I’m happy I was able to pause and go , okay listen, endurance is for a reason. It’s not to see who can suffer a long time, endurance has a purpose for the issues. That purpose is what I’m fighting for.
Here is a plant corner in my studio apartment that I enjoy.
Joe has been put on a different food by the vet. He’s been taken off his meds and he’s doing very well. His skin looks sooo much better. The boy’s actually kinda got an attitude now. He’s still Super Service Cat like no other but wow is he mouthy. 🙂
I’m down to two breathing treatments a day. My lungs still hurt very much from whatever chemical was in my apartment. I was in the hospital twice over it. Yuck. That’s part of the, “endurance is for a purpose” entry.
Lastly, I missed my OCD meds for a week. Life is hard right now. Prior Authorization and such took a bit. I finally got them after a full week. I can feel the difference. It hurts.
Until soon,
Faith Magdalene
Today part of me just mourned the loss of the old CNA that I really liked, the one who said I’m not disabled. It was short lived. I’d rather go without the toxicity thank you very much!!!
This head is tired.
I spoke with the owner who reassured me that she’s looking for a quality aide for me, not just anyone.
I’ve bombed on the meet and greet twice bc I gave too much info about OCD and scared qualified candidates; one I didn’t much like but would have worked with, the second I really, really like. Can I get a do over?
This whole one shot thing is horrible! You get one short interview with a person to see if you can work with them.
I’ve forgotten how the regular employed world works. You go to interviews, sell yourself in an hour then leave. One shot! Gracious! Oh my brain.
I’m trying to get it right, trying to do everything right. Why can’t I get it right?
Today I had to remind myself of my self worth because it recently tanked. I don’t assign my self worth, God does. He loved everyone enough to allow his son as ransom, including me. So get up Faith, shake the dirt off your shoulders.. and roll on. You got this.
desperate
I chose a name that’s not as harsh and doesn’t include the word freak because I’m not a freak.
Here’s the finished piece. Yes, She wants to fade into the background because by nature she’s a private person, now she feels exposed by the caseworker.
Even if some don’t get it, there’s a difference between the private life on the net and private life off line. Yes, for 20 yrs I’ve blogged my personal issues but do you understand I got to choose? It stayed on the net. My closest friends still don’t know I have DID, but this caseworker pops up and somehow gets my medical doctor to sign a form releasing all medical and psychiatric diagnosis. And just like that my caregiver company knows which is terrible news for me.. I want to crumble…. I did… Then I got back up!
At bottom of the painting a thin bone figure swings ropes and lines as she dangles her feet above the cup of tea below.
Please see the entry Sometimes I Feel Like A Freak for the original poem and the follow up entry called A Little Bit Frustrated and it Shows expressing dismay over calling myself a freak.
Please see my Etsy shop for purchase information.
I intended to keep the colors brighter like always, shockingly bright, but this time darker colors felt right.
The rainbow was given a darker red and a mustard yellow stripe in a midnight blue sky. The clothing of the figures is in plum, dark red, green and blue.
As I worked I realized the high amount of frustration and anger associated with feeling like a freak; feeling broken if not shatteted. Line after line I drew myself shatteted for the last time! I will not do it again.
I felt so hidden behind the lines, even hidden from myself. I’ve described being a multiple like looking into carnival mirrors. It’s hard to know who is who. Well, I may not always know the who but I do know The Way.
I need hope too. I don’t feel hopeless but sometimes I feel like I’m in prison here. I wish I could leave. This isn’t my home anymore. However, I can’t just up and go in the middle of the night – won’t up and go like that. I’ll move somewhere safe, clean. One thing is for sure, there’s no more peace here.
The painting will be in the shop very soon. Check my Etsy.
Faith
This company, CICOA, that serves the elderly and disabled to find so called care companies to come in the house has now been told that I have DID. They, CICOA, told the doctor if I wanted care I’d have to give them both psychiatric and medical diagnosis. I was not asked about this.
The company was told I have DID. They passed it along to the under educated care companies who pass it along to their caregivers! Are you joking? Are you joking!!
No matter what company I go to they’ll know I have DID, the caregiver may know as well. Everyday people don’t need to know this.
In Indiana, most of these places aren’t run by medical professionals but by well meaning individuals who saw a need in the community. But well meaning doesn’t mean you know what to do or not to do or to just leave it the heck alone.
I told the CICOA worker that I spent years, years making sure my DID didn’t get out but nope, here we are, you guys couldn’t let it go. I said, so now that you know, who is educated enough to manage it? None of you! Not a single person in that building has the slightest bit of education to manage my disorder. She said, I have a bachelor in psychology. What’s that supposed to do? If you have a BA then you should have known to be more careful.
Curiosity killed the cat. The cat is me.
It matters that uneducated people are going to have this information and that I’m going to AGAIN hear how I need to just pray the demons out, spit them out, excercist, oil, rituals and that I have demons. I won’t go through it. I won’t go through it again. I may not have to bc I gave CICOA quite the unedited tongue lashing!! They may kick me out of the program. I really went off.
I spent so long holding that secret together and it’s over because J is nosey and gave a form requiring my mental health diagnosis. All that happened on the heels of my CNA getting fired by me yesterday morning, the CNA I liked so much.
We’d begun fighting, outright arguing daily. I’d apologize, she wouldn’t. I started to worry about a few things I couldn’t prove but was suss of.
The last argument was when discussing going to the grocery store. I said I’d like to go to the pet store first because it’s less energy than the grocery store. She said, I don’t want to double back. I said, but as a disabled person it’s easier on me to do the easier thing first. She chimed in with, I have plenty to say about you being disabled but we don’t want to have that conversation.
It hit hard. I was dazed. Seconds later I said, yes, we need to have this conversation. Long story short, the Certified Nurses Aide believes she is qualified to cancel out all doctor diagnosis for her punny, sad, opinion. I’m amazed! Amazed. There was no way she was working here if she didn’t even believe I’m disabled. My goodness.
As angry as I was that I had to fire her, I did forgive that stupidity. She can never work for me, but forgiveness is offered to the CNA and her ridiculous actions. Why? So I can leave just a tiny bit of peace in a world that is very short of it.
As for CICOA there is no such forgiveness…. This dumpster fire is part of the rest of the world that’s on fire. Cause if you hadn’t noticed, the whole world is kinda on fire right now.
Michael Joseph is ok but not great. He’s sleeping a lot. He eats well. Still drinking. He’s clingy then he goes back to hide under the bed.
I took a photo yesterday bc I just turned a corner in life and I know it. I’m not sure what’s around the corner, but I didn’t just turn a corner in life. I could feel it coming for a minute.
Faith Magdalene
Joe Schmoe update.
I stopped giving him this several days ago. Not going to say it was this, just saying I stopped giving it to him.
I WANT to say he looks better. He’s out from under the bed more.
He’s slow in the morning.
He didn’t recognize me at one point and got down low in attack mode, looking me in the eyes like I was a stranger. I left the area because I wasn’t sure if he was going to jump on me or not.
At a different time he didn’t recognize the caregiver that he loves so much. It took about an hour before he recognized her.
Its one day at a time to the vet next month. Still doing what I was told to do – observe, keep him comfortable. (sigh)
I made a sale. That’ll go directly to vet care coming up. Thank you. Thank you in advance for anyone who might be considering a purchase at www.Sundrip.etsy.com.
Faith
Dr D asked how I was able to manage the trash three times? Honestly, it was mind bending hard. I went back three times because I felt like I’d failed or like I had something to prove. She said I threw it away to hurt her. I had to get it back.
I got a second text saying despite retrieving the plant, my efforts were not enough. It felt like I’d been punched in the chest. But that was the end of my emotional loan to the situation. It’s a plant. If she needs to go off the deep end over the plant then so be it but I’m jumping off the train. I will not argue over this. No response to texts about this mess.
This friendship isn’t over despite Dr D suggesting it might need to work towards that way. No. It needs a little break while she gets her mind right. He said, she’s going to do it again, then what? I said, yes she is, because unlike me she doesn’t have a PhD every week. This puts me at an advantage in the friendship.
As far as how I got through dealing with the trash, I planned it out. First I dressed for it. I had friends to call. I kept in mind my up coming appointment with my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day. I have a certified nurses aide daily.
I was well covered to take the risk of going in the trash. I didn’t do it without back up or coping skills. Am I ok? No. But I’m not in hospital crisis. I’m not self harming. Things will calm down with a few art pieces and a few pots of tea.
Faith
I’m not totally bashing this person because I know I’ve done what she did yesterday.
Her aunt had a small box of plants for me to adopt bc she’s going into a nursing home. Most of the plants were in rough shape. When I saw the African Violet with dull green – gray leaves but a desert dry root I tossed it thinking it was dead. Thus started the African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024.
The thing was the size of a silver dollar but that’s not important. What’s important are the over use of emotion and manipulation used concerning this silver dollar sized madness that I agreed to go dig out of my trash the next day.
So today is the next day. I took the trash out of the bag three times, transferring it from one to the other because she said this plant was “entrusted” to me and if she’d known I’d just throw it away she’d have kept it. She’s “grieved” and needs to “heal from the loss of the plant. ‘ The aunt is alive!
Dressed like I have OSHA training, I looked through the trash three times. I sorted through trash with BBQ sauce on it, coffee grounds, ketchup, plant soil and everything else. I was ready to give up when she sorta came into view.
The friend said she tends to love things like plants and animals instead of people. I told her. You know I have obsessive compulsive disorder. It was love for you that I went through the trash three times. It had nothing to do with the plant. It had nothing to do with how you worded your text.
How do you grieve a small plant but not think twice about my disorder? You said I didn’t understand you but where was it you gave me understanding? Did you stop and think how difficult getting in the trash would be?
All this over the top emotion is too much for this situation. You said you lost sleep over me tossing what appeared to be a lifeless silver dollar size African Violet in the trash. I lost sleep because I’ve got real problems. My cat isn’t well.
Faith