Content – Talk of suicidal feelings surrounding Chronic Relex Sympathetic Dystrophy (CRSD), some hopelessness, hope art and talk of anniversary dates. We talked about how hopeless it feels to walk into the ER believing it’s a source of relief only to be told that there’s a crisis out there that has nothing to do with […]
Tag: ptsd
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Therapy Review – Fitting in
We talked about the fight I have with feeling inherently bad. When I found out that I have a blood condition it seemed to confirm that I’m bad through out. That even what runs through my veins is bad. It took a minute to adjust my thinking and conclude that I was replaying one of […]
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Flexibility. Poor Attitudes. Blessings.
I’m not flexible. I try to be but I’m not. Change has never been something I could deal with well. My mind all but rejects the idea of change as if it were a disease. My mother used to tease me saying she was going to change the color of her hair. Oh the idea […]
Several walls got knocked down. I need to figure out how to build them up with security but also openness. Dr D and I talked about how I now see life as before and after the hospitalization. It’s as if it blew a hole in the middle of my life, my reality and sense of […]
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Basically Quiet Week. New CNA.
The new girl is calm, generally not excitable. I like her and hope she works out for at least a few months. I will not be the type, this time, to let abuse go until it gets crazy. As an abuse survivor I asked myself what I was doing to make the other CNA behave […]
It’s been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It’s been good. I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors. I’m also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn’t think the company would care nearly as much as they do. […]
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Give an inch
“Take your stump and lay down.” It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn’t. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness. There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today’s firing. She had been here several months but […]
We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I’m not a very flexible person. I’m not spontaneous, don’t like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about […]
Part of me just wants to curl up in bed and do nothing. I just want to get in a little ball and sleep. There’s stuff to be done but I sure don’t want to move from this spot. Tomorrow is therapy. I wish I was going in instead of talking to him on the […]
All “what if” roads lead to nowhere. I decided to draw a little line drawing with my funky triple lead colored pencils to depict all those “what if” roads I’ve been going down. It’s not a great photo but the idea is there. It’s a drawing of roads going everywhere, fast. What if I die […]