Skip to content

2

I'm not flexible. I try to be but I'm not. Change has never been something I could deal with well. My mind all but rejects the idea of change as if it were a disease.

My mother used to tease me saying she was going to change the color of her hair. Oh the idea was so distressing to me that I'd beg her not to. Then I found out she was harassing me by saying it so I kept my distress under cover. It was hard not to say anything, to keep it inside.

My inability to handle change gets worse as I get older. I wish it wasn't the case. The smallest change sends me into anxiety that I try to get under control. I wish I could say it's going to be worked on and get better but it seems to be part of me like eye color.

CNA news. She's gone. The latest one who made me uncomfortable in my own home is gone. I couldn't handle it anymore. One major thing is that she didn't want to work but preferred to sit in the chair and mess around on her laptop. The CNA brought her laptop! She had no intention of working. She preferred to use her phone to face time her boyfriend in prison!

I understand that not everyone has the same life experiences. But I believe many different lives can coexist if superiority and inferiority complexes don't interfere.

This CNA says I think I'm better than others and attempted to give me a reality check by listing off all the things that classify me as poor. My modest home and low income were high on the list of her class distinctions. I'm poor. I should remember it and that I'm not better than her. That was the message I heard but roundly reject.

I am financially impoverished. My home is very humble but people who come through my door are treated equally. They are treated well. And if you have a meal in my home you should expect it to be cost effective but served with love, for it is aptly said; Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love Than a steak where there is hatred.

My imperfections glare daily and make me feel so broken at times but I really do try. I try to roll with the punches, make concessions and think before I speak. I'm actively working on things like patience and mildness as well as being a better listener and showing empathy and warmth to others. I actively work on these qualities daily and believe I can improve. I hope it shows when halfway normal situations arise such as the small dinner party I'm having here with friends soon.

I have invited over a small family to tea. I really like them a lot and look forward to having them.

The Blessing. Last but not least. I have been given a wonderful blessing. A different small family came to my home and said, "Faith, our family decided we are going to provide your CBD oil each month." I was handed an envelope with $50 cash and told to spend it on CBD oil, which I promptly did. I am a blessed woman.

1

Several walls got knocked down. I need to figure out how to build them up with security but also openness.

Dr D and I talked about how I now see life as before and after the hospitalization. It's as if it blew a hole in the middle of my life, my reality and sense of self to the point that I struggled to pick up and move forward. Today we talked about building with fallen blocks and reproducing what I can and reinventing what is broken.

My goals have to be a bit different for now. I don't have the physical ability I had before the hospitalization and amputation. I now require daily inhome assistance and spend more time in bed than not. Life with a helper will continue to be tumultuous and stymied while the rest of my existence begs to move forward.

How do I build a new life? I honestly thought that was the question I needed to answer, but I don't need to start a new life. I've got so much of the old still. I've got all my experiences, my hopes and wishes still intact. Those were not amputated. Oh, it feels like everything was, like that hospitalization crushed my bones. But really, all of the true me is still here. The parts that fell apart, that broke during that long 5 months can be mended or worked with in pieces. There is no need to "start over."

We talked about fearing that the art in me was somehow lost during the trauma. It's not lost though, I simply don't trust enough to paint. I'm vulnerable when I paint. I'm the most exposed when I paint. Even if no one sees the work there's still great vulnerability because I have to deal with all the emotions brought on by art. Color, curves, certain images like the sun and stars bring up strong emotion. Right now I don't trust what emotions might come up during a painting session and if I can handle it without losing my mind, literally losing it. I'm hanging on by a thread sometimes so asking myself to let go and paint is asking a lot. The art has to be inside, I'm just afraid to touch it.

Where does this leave me? What do I do about my little shop, about creating to sooth myself? We discussed doll making and how I can create dolls without the emotional strain I feel when painting. Why? Lack of bright, emotional colors, a controlled surface and because I know what to expect with the dolls. No surprises. From beginning to end, unlike a painting, the doll has been planned and has significantly fewer risks. I enjoy doll making and will focus on that aspect of my creative flow with the goal of increasing skill, increasing business and self confidence. I can work at this goal and use the building blocks I had before the hospitalization, before things fell apart. I'll use those fallen bricks to mend my walls as I move forward and through this stage in life.

Faith

The new girl is calm, generally not excitable. I like her and hope she works out for at least a few months.

I will not be the type, this time, to let abuse go until it gets crazy. As an abuse survivor I asked myself what I was doing to make the other CNA behave that way. I could tell too that I was having a very hard time saying no to her which gave her a license to run over me, and she did. I hope this girl has better boundaries than the others.

One quick thing we will have to get settled is that we will go to the store I shop at! Today she wanted to go to a Goodwill by her house where she could shop for her kids while I got what I went for. I said I need to go to a different Goodwill. She complained that it was far and had clothes for older, white people. I reminded her that the trip was for my purposes and that getting clothes for her teenage kids was secondary. She was quiet after that.

Monday I go see Dr D in his office. The CNA will take me and will complain about the distance. I'll remind her she was told we're going to this 20 mile round trip appointment every other week AND her company pays mileage.

We will go to the Kroger I want to go to, not to grocery store she wants to go to. I shop at Kroger and Walmart, much to the chagrin of my CNAs who express that I could shop much cheaper at other stores. Shut up! I shop at those two stores, leave me alone! She got on the kick today, too, about how I should go to Safeway and Aldi. (rolls eyes) I shop where I shop, leave me be.

So anyway, it was a quiet week, nothing major. Some minor irritations like which store I should go to, but other than that it was good.

I did very little work on dolls but I did get half the hair done on my neighbor's doll.

I had Korean BBQ but now I'm craving Japanese food.

Jordan

4

It's been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It's been good.

I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors.

I'm also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn't think the company would care nearly as much as they do. As a matter of fact, they have filed a grievance against her license based on verbal abuse. They also tested her and will include the test results in the grievance for when she drove me under the influence. It appears this young woman will lose her license for these egregious actions. This does not please me because she is the provider of 4 small children, but I understand that there are consequences, in this case steep ones.

Monday morning at 9am a new CNA will arrive. Lord! Help me!

My neighbor says she is grieved when she hears I have "yet again fired a CNA." She texted me this morning to say that I have sent these girls away "without hope," that I should be preaching to them. I asked her ever so politely what she knows about the privacy of my home and the conversations that take place?

Being a student of the Bible means I talk briefly about the Bible to whomever comes through my door. It is not sinful, as she suggested, to fire an employee who endangers you or who is abusive. I am not required as a Christian to take abuse like this just in case someone eventually listens to the Good News about the Christ and his father Jehovah. I am not a Christian punching bag. I am also tired of people and their judgements. If I were someone else, such guilt for firing her could make it harder to speak up next time.

I have a problem with worrying things will be seen as my fault and I'll be publicly humiliated as it comes out. I worry somehow I am responsible for the missteps and abuses of others, so I didn't need to hear that I failed these girls spiritually by sticking up for myself. That hurt but, I have to remember that neighbor has no clue what she's talking about and no right to tell me I am obligated to stick it out and give them "hope" despite knowing about the ill-treatment. Just wow.

Despite the early morning shocking words from my neighbor, it really has been a very good day.

Jordan

4

"Take your stump and lay down." It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn't. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness.

There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today's firing. She had been here several months but in that time she managed to offend me deeply and break rules that everyone knows shouldn't be broken.

I had to tell my CNA that she can't drive me while high on Marijuana. I have nothing against pot, but driving under the influence of anything is dangerous. Monday I had an appointment to see my therapist in his office. I made it but I found out she was high. She admitted it!

In addition to driving high, she was constantly calling me stupid. She said she was joking but she constantly said, "Shut up stupid." Hurtful crap! So today I made the decision that enough is enough. You can't sit with headphones and ignore me. You can't come to work high. You can't laugh at how I walk or call me "daddy" like you asked. She is so inappropriate. No kind of manners whatsoever!

Today she showed up with McDonald's breakfast and ate it at my table (on the clock) BEFORE getting up to make my breakfast. She had me wait until she was finished. Really? Basically she was angry because I stopped providing breakfast and lunch. I stopped because if she can't respect me I'm sure not going out on a limb for her.

Feeding her was my fault. I eat better if someone eats with me so I fed her if she didn't bring her own food. Well she stopped bringing her own food so next thing you know, I'm providing two meals. Well, I cut her off. No food. No more homemade wine. Right now I've got so little food until the 3rd that I seriously considered asking a friend for a little assistance! Pathetic! Pathetic!! The cat has everything he needs. He's good to go. I'm struggling at my own fault.

My CICOA person will call tomorrow to set me up with a new company. I don't expect much but I have learned a thing or two from this experience. Give an inch and they'll take a mile.

4

We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I'm not a very flexible person. I'm not spontaneous, don't like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about being able to find a way to enjoy life with a lion lurking around.

I was encouraged by the Oncologist the other day to keep moving forward and let them worry. He wants me to leave it with the doctors and as he said, "Keep shooting yourself." In other words, keep taking the shots! He's so funny, and so positive.

Dr. D and I discussed the financial side of chronic illness and how that can bring added stress. I'm doing a lot better about getting dolls finished. I've got one near completion and another well along. There are 3 total in the works with 2 being commissions. I've also completed one painting and am working on others. This should help add more to my Etsy shop for extra income.

We also talked about my own inner child doll. I was unable to hold her or even look at her much but now she's out in the open and I just love her. Dr D asked how I feel about the little girl I once was. The first word to pop in my head was "respect." I have great respect for her and what she was forced to survive. Not only did she survive abuse, she was living with Lupus since age ten! That little girl fought hard to live. I have nothing but respect for her.

Dr D noted the change in tone and emotion for my child self. A few years ago I hurt for her immensely. Before that I was angry at her vulnerability. I was stuck on anger for a long time. I remember the humiliations like they were yesterday and thought she should have done something different to make my mother love me. I blamed her. As I move further along in healing I see so clearly what the child self had to endure. I think having an inner child doll helped me see my young self as little, defenseless, innocent. In my head I couldn't see me as young but for some reason the doll gave me something to relate my size to. Well, it worked. I see in my head a tiny kid and I have great respect for her.

This is my first biracial handmade ragdoll with long curly hair that can be combed.

Jordan

Part of me just wants to curl up in bed and do nothing. I just want to get in a little ball and sleep. There's stuff to be done but I sure don't want to move from this spot.

Tomorrow is therapy. I wish I was going in instead of talking to him on the phone. I'm clinging to him right now.

I keep wanting to reach out to people but I don't. I don't know why. I know better than to isolate. It doesn't help at all.

I know I'm depressed and frightened by the news from the doctor. I'm down because of not being able to get pain meds but one really good thing is that I have cbd oil covered for October. I don't have to worry about that at all. October will certainly be tight, but I'll have all my needs met.

Though I shouldn't stay in bed much longer, it is nice to snuggle with my buddy Joey Schmoey. 😁❤️

I think tomorrow life gets back to normal. My regular CNA has been off sick with the flu for a week. Poor girl. During that time I've had hit and miss care with a period of 2 hours for 3 days. No CNA but for 2 hrs out of 3 days can be rough, but I think she'll be back tomorrow. Let's hope.

I need a shower and a hot cup of tea. The reality is, I'm going to lay here w my warm 7up and fuzzy cat.

Faith

All "what if" roads lead to nowhere. 

I decided to draw a little line drawing with my funky triple lead colored pencils to depict all those "what if" roads I've been going down. It's not a great photo but the idea is there. It's a drawing of roads going everywhere, fast.

What if I die in my sleep? What if I only get a few months more? What if the doctor is wrong and they somehow save me again? What if I live with this and Lupus for a really long time? What if I defy the odds, again? What if I don't? 

All what if roads lead to nowhere. I figure when I start obsessing again that I'll pull out the paints or pencils and do a "what if" line drawing. This is my second. It's helpful to put it on paper and get it out of my head. 

Jordan 

4

(smh) What do you do with people sometimes? I wonder if she's truly oblivious to the message she's sending or if she's aware and having additude issues.

My CNA is sitting in the chair with her radio on w both earbuds in. She's either watching a movie and making comments about the movie or she's singing to her radio.

I live in a 500 foot studio apartment. We are all but against each other, six hours a day, 6 days a week. If a person tunes the other out w BOTH earbuds that says they don't want to talk. It says they want to be left alone!

So she came in this morning and didn't want to do anything so she asked if instead of making me a breakfast sandwich if she could buy me one instead. (sigh) That sounds ok to some but not to me. Toss two frozen biscuits in the convention oven, heat up some sausage, fry an egg, shut up! Let's not forget that while she's doing it she's clapping her hands and singing to the music on her phone! She can't hear me say anything to her.

Today I told her I'm having a hard time interrupting her music or movie just to ask for something. She said, I'm just over here waiting for you to tell me what to do. She said, I'm not doing anything but watching a movie, you can just interrupt. I said, did you not hear when I said I have a hard time interrupting you? I said, I have to interrupt your phone calls, your movies and your music. Besides, it's considered rude to interrupt.

I object to her music. The language is unacceptable. We aren't going to watch her kind of movies either and I've been part of one too many phone conversations of hers. Who accepts phone calls from PRISON then tries to get you to be part of the conversation? Who does that? So no, I don't want any part of any of it.

I'm so irritated! I've got to be able to talk to her about this when I'm calm. She doesn't see that there's a problem with it.

Lastly, this girl is so loud and animated when she does talk to me that the cat goes and hides in the restroom. (smh)

She shows up every day. She cooks well when she doesn't try to get out of it. She keeps my home looking nice and she gets me to the doctor when I need to go. There are pluses to keeping her. If only we could get a hold of her trying to get away with crap. She knows full well it is totally against company policy to be on the phone at all during work hours, let alone accept calls from prison or watch movies and listen to music with her back turned to me.

Jordan

6

Where are my coping skills? Where is my ability to handle my health issues?

I wish I could say I am emotionally better than the last time I was in the hospital but I'm not. I'm just as shocked and stunned asking, is this really my life? Seriously, they were going to take the rest of my foot had Dr L and his team not come in and said you're looking at this wrong. I am shocked at how close I came to more pain! That's what I'm afraid of, the pain. And I'm stuck in the fear of hospitalization trauma. I'm stuck.

How many journal entries can I write where I talk about my health? So I write yet another bc my platelets are low. I'm physically exhausted! I'm emotionally exhausted from the up and down, from the constant medical crisis... one after the other.... I'm just exhausted. And I'm stuck in fear and shock. Can I get through next week without some health issue, please?

I can't seem to get my emotional footing. How do I do that when there's so little time between crisis? Due to health issues it feels like I stay in fight or flight. I keep waiting for the other shoes to fall. How do I breathe again? How do I feel calm inside and trust the moment? I fear becoming bitter!

I've not drawn in a month. Nothing at all. I don't even have art supplies by my bed anymore and I don't care. I have a ton of supplies, no shortage here, but there is no drive. Let me sleep, that's all I seem to want to do.

I don't tell my friends these things in detail. I have tried to tell a few but they seem shocked. They say stuff like, I'm so encouraged by you or you dealing with a lot and you do it so well. I know that's supposed to be positive but I can't reconcile it with how I feel. I am devistated and lost and afraid and tired of crisis after crisis.

Where is Faith? Where am I? I miss the girl who could find light in just about anything.

Me

%d bloggers like this: