Sundrip Journals
I started working on an abstract sunflower when she was born. I went with it. It was more fun than the free flow of thought I intended to release.
I’ll work on this piece for a bit, which is on canvas, and maybe a small abstract still. We’ll see. I’m happy I didn’t give up!
Live Free. Create Well.
Faith MMagdalene
Lord, iI’m having hot flashes again, several an hour. And I’m itching. And I’m even more fatigued. I sure hope I don’t go back to anger overdrive because I stopped using Delta 8. I won’t be medicated nice anymore.
I was at a restaurant the other day and a woman said she was tired and asked if she could sit on my lap. I told her the chair is one of necessity not of convenience. She apologized then went on. I was highly irritated!! Perhaps more than I should have been. Even now it still sends me! I guess I’m just over here chillin’ sitting down resting.
Hopefully during this particular hormonal shift of hot flashes I’ll get to bypass the worst of my attitude and just stick to the physical thrashing of Menopause!
People do not get to put down life changes just because of medical difficulties.
I think I understand something about my wheelchair. I’m proud to use my manual wheelchair because I SURVIVED to use it. So in my head it’s a symbol of strength, not weakness. But to most of the world I’m just handicapped.
Maybe I’m just a girl in a wheelchair at a Vietnamese restaurant whose lap you can sit on if you’re tired?
I wish that hadn’t hurt so bad. There’s a lot of prayer to be done. I have to let this go.
Faith Magdalene
I’ve been wearing my shoe without that so called prosthetic I hate so much. It seemed to be going just fine. No issues, or so I thought. Lol
As it turns out a well established spider web was in the toe of my pink cross. There was a small piece of cereal in the web, Lucky Charms. I’m not making this up.
I wasn’t sure what to feel. I was horrified, intrigued, humored and humiliated; simultaneously. I’ve decided to go ahead and do what the surgeon said is an alternative to wearing the prosthetic. I’m stuffing my left shoe. All left shoes get stuffed. I am not walking around with a spider housing addition at my stump. It’s wrong.
The little picture in the photo is a very, very old white sketch on top of encaustic art. I melted Crayola wax, slowly and moved it into position. I enjoy encaustic and print making very much.
Faith Magdalene
More than a clown is about a once voiceless woman, alone in the dark with her makeup. She was just a clown. She painted on faces until finally someone believed believed she’s more than a clown.
Then hope set in. Flowers began to grow, birds sing their morning songs and bumblebees bring in more life. Yes, change, all around her. There’s hope now that she herself believes she’s more than a clown.
Please see my Etsy shop for purchase details. www.Sundrip.etsy.com
Faith Magdalene Austin at Sundrip
I struggle to get words to come forward that make sense to someone other than me. I struggle to verify memories. This is now a life of he said – she said. My brain almost doesn’t care as it has come so far down the stretch, towards the end.
When I was younger I wanted to drag people by the heels in public and force open confessions. I wanted everyone to know I. was. hurt. I wanted even more for someone to care about the hurt. Does my life matter?
What I remember the most is fear, abject fear. What I felt the most was cold but here we are half a century later in, “he said she said” and I ask myself why I ever said anything at all?
Hope. I was looking for hope. I remember.
Content – Dissociative Identity Disorder, Uncontrolled weight gain, CNA in public.
Dr. D hasn’t changed my diagnosis. He still recognizes the disorder. He wanted to know if I believe that ‘they’ are all me and not actually separate. I said, I know it’s impossible to have more than one person in my head, but I want you to understand that I’ve been doing the impossible for a very long time.
I told him that I used to think I wanted to be one person but now I’m not sure I could stand the silence. I get this image in my head of a single person standing in the middle of a black tunnel, alone. That’s how I view being one person. In the middle of a dark tunnel with very little air and a whole lot of silence.
While I’d love to have less noise in my head, I decidedly do not want to be just one person. I don’t want any new people either.
I shared with him that I felt very threatened by his questions and pressured by my insiders to speak up for them. They would have felt betrayed had I not stated that we’ve been doing the impossible for a long time, and they’re here.
I talked to him about how panicked I’ve been lately.
I’m having a hard time settling down enough to post art for sale in my shop. I’ve got six items but I can’t seem to get over there and post more. I don’t know why. So, I’m just letting myself paint as much as I need then when I’m able I’ll post more art for sale in my Etsy shop.
Me = I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. I swear, pounds just pack on me no matter what I do. I feel so ugly.
I was supposed to go to the mall to roll around in my manual wheelchair but I’m afraid to go to the mall. I don’t want to get shot.
Could I somehow, some way get doctor’s clearance to go to Planet Fitness? Could I have CNA coverage and transportation? Am I a fool for even thinking it?
CNA = My psychopath CNA is going to get us killed with her rage, laying on the horn yelling at people. I don’t want to continue to intervene as if somehow I’m here social worker or therapist. I have to let her know that if her actions cause the police to be called, she can’t work for me any longer. I’m going to have to tell her that it’s not a joke, if someone calls the police bc you threw something or threatened someone, you don’t work here anymore.
I had a really nice Saturday person that cared for me. I hope she can return.
Why do I hate myself for having care? I don’t think everyone inside agrees with that statement.
Faith
It’s sobering to think that no matter what we do or don’t do, bad things happen, sometimes in rapid succession.
There’s an historic example of a man who lost loved ones, employees, finances and his health in no time flat. When I think about his life before disasters struck, I can see he did everything right, then blam! When reading that account there’s something I noticed, something I missed about it 5 years ago. He asked a lot of questions to help him understand his situation.
This poor guy got a lot of flack from people who should have supported him but didn’t. True help came from an unexpected sourse. But what gives me pause is how the gentleman handled himself during the entire nightmare. He listened more than he spoke. That’s significant for me right now.
I have so much going on with my health that I wonder how much one body and one mind is supposed to take? I’m not alone in piling up devastations.
I’m shocked and horrified by what my friend from the hospital in 2018 has gone through. It’s not bad enough she has Lupus, was on life support, had a stroke, had to relearn everything from being paralyzed to the point she was only able to move her pinky finger. Do you know the fight it takes to come back from that?
She spent significant time in a nursing home which is where we met. After she left and hoped to move forward, she had cancer and needed a double mastectomy! All without the support of her parents, for whom she openly grieves. Really?! Can our girl please have a break, too?
I think I understand even better why it’s best to take life one day at a time. I make arrangements then do day to day battle towards the fulfillment of the arrangements / goals. A day at a time is hard enough. I’m not about to double up on troubles.
As it stands, I’m going to need 2 hip replacements due to avascular-necrosis (AVN), the left is first. I can hardly sleep bc the pain has been high. Sitting can be difficult.
I’m discouraged if not fearful. I don’t want to have a knee jerk reaction to anything but I do want to prepare. I’m so grateful for having a good CNA. Please let her stay!
I’m working to downsize my responsibilities. In addition to selling 5 of my largest plants, I’m going to need to downsize pets before a yet to be scheduled total hip replacement on the left followed by an eventual total hip replacement on the right.
I’m going to rehome my two Madagascar Tomato Frogs as one complete unit. They come with their bioactive terrarium. I placed them on Marketplace and listed the various plant types, hard wood, hides, lights, screen and locks. These were purchased from Josh’s Frogs as early juveniles. They remain healthy at age two.
I hate to see the Tomato Frogs go. There’s no way on earth the 100g White’s Tree Frog terrarium is going anywhere. Don’t even ask lol The only pets being offered are the Tomato Frogs. Everyone else is staying. We already know Joe Schmoe’s place is secure.
Emotionally I feel hopeful about this. I fear having hope that maybe…. maybe with new hips I might walk again. I’m afraid to put my energy into what seems impossible.
As I was writing this, it occurred to me, I shouldn’t feel stupid just because something I hoped for didn’t turn out. For some reason I thought, if I openly hope to walk again but it doesn’t happen, I may feel foolish. And I will have made others hope without pay off for their support. This is wrong. Who wouldn’t hope to walk again? Who? And what friend witholds support because their personal pay off isn’t high enough?
I fear disappointing people. If I don’t walk will I have wasted their time? l honestly feel ashamed that I’m getting ready to put my friends through yet another ordeal. The hip replacement isn’t the ordeal, it’s my blood disorder related to Lupus that has me so worried.
My hope is to listen to the support of my friends without countering it with fear of disappointing them.
I intend to speak less and hear more. I don’t mean silence. I mean that my personal expressions and opinions don’t have to be shared in full, at all times. In my private life, I need to allow others to express themselves more.
There’s a time to speak and a time to listen. If I’m talking to a friend, I’ll hear more and speak less. In a group of people I don’t know well, listen more, speak less. Perhaps by not dominating the conversation I’ll hear the tid bit I need that changes the day from burdensome to manageable.
Faith
Title: Wild Things
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Medium: Acrylic collage on heavy cardstock
Size: 9×12 inches,Â
Finish: Sealed, signed, dated, unmounted
Style: Collage, Surreal, Abstract Figurative, raw
Art details: Cut outs of my own art have been arranged to create “Wild Things.” Sunflowers, koi fish, African faces, Asian faces and more have been mixed together in a wild collage. This is a visual feast, a mindscape, surreal art piece.Â
“Wild Things” and other original art can be found in my Etsy shop at www.sundrip.etsy.com. You may also contact me for a PayPal invoice.
Thank you for visiting SUNDRIP – Art for Life
This painting started as pull art. I created a painting using the drip art technique then looked at it if for a few days. As I was walking by I saw an eye. I quickly drew it in, then the lips and the nose. Days later the painting developed into an ancient woman growing her roots, spreading out the lines of history in her hair.
Once I knew what I wanted to paint I began to think about how people talk about wanting a new start or reinventing themselves. It occurred to me that more than not, the choice to reinvent ourselves is thrust upon us. Time changes, other people change the course of our lives for good or bad. In these ways, we are given the opportunity to change ourselves for the better.
Abstract beginnings grew into a trio of birds resting in the hair of a young woman.
This Asian flair painting shows her rooted in the earth, facing forward at the flowers that stand tall.
There aren’t as many flowers as before, she might think, but there are indeed flowers.
Her purpose remains and is confirmed by those who have chosen to rest upon her head and make a home.
Lets take a look at some details.
“Nesting Place” is a 6.5 x 5 inches and is on heavy board. On the back of the board is an original, spontaneous writing which reads: Continue reading “Nesting Place; for rest, sight and purpose.”