I keep sighing. My heart is heavy but I keep trying to lift it up.
The fatigue is insane.
I’m learning so much about how OCD affects my life and how it affected my mother and sister.
I don’t know why I keep thinking about my father. I remember his voice was kind and sweet. I don’t want to be angry with my mother for separating us. It’s foolish to entertain what-if scenarios but what if one of my parents loved me.
I say my mother didn’t love but I’ve got to retract that statement. The more I learn about her mental health the more I think she had love for me from time to time but was unable to most of the time. There were many things I can point to now and see a shadow of normalcy where love could have existed. Somewhere in that shadow she may have been capable of loving me. Sometimes there may have been a spark.
I bet my mother battled depression after the divorce. I remember feeling like a failure after my marriage ended. Is that why she cried so often? Did she cry because of the divorce and the loneliness?
It’s hard to say she may have loved me while knowing the extremes she went to in order to hurt us.
She lied and told me my father was dead when he wasn’t. Now I wonder if what contact she had with him in my younger years.
Like all my other family photos, my father’s photo is tucked away so I can’t see it. There are no family photos on my walls at all, just art.
Our family of three left a restaurant together. While in the car my mother told me and my sister to “freeze, it’s an emergency, don’t move.” She said look straight ahead and don’t move. After about a minute or so she gave the all clear then said, “That was your father in the car next to us.” It was cruel.
I’m tired. I’ve got to sleep very shortly then get up and eat. The fatigue is heavy.
Original Art
This piece has changed significantly. It now reflects dissociation and PTSD. It’s currently listed in my Etsy shop.
This is more Chatter Art. It’s art that I do to better manage the incessant talking in my head. I’ll put this in the shop too. It’ll be in the section for journal art.
The above is complete and ready for the shop. It too is chatter art. It feels great to finish art pieces. You can see more in my Etsy shop. 🙂
I have a restart button hanging on the wall so if things really start to go down hill I can hit the button, take 5 minutes for breathing exercises then get back to life. I got the button from Dollar Tree.
Until soon,
Faith