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4

It's been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It's been good.

I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors.

I'm also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn't think the company would care nearly as much as they do. As a matter of fact, they have filed a grievance against her license based on verbal abuse. They also tested her and will include the test results in the grievance for when she drove me under the influence. It appears this young woman will lose her license for these egregious actions. This does not please me because she is the provider of 4 small children, but I understand that there are consequences, in this case steep ones.

Monday morning at 9am a new CNA will arrive. Lord! Help me!

My neighbor says she is grieved when she hears I have "yet again fired a CNA." She texted me this morning to say that I have sent these girls away "without hope," that I should be preaching to them. I asked her ever so politely what she knows about the privacy of my home and the conversations that take place?

Being a student of the Bible means I talk briefly about the Bible to whomever comes through my door. It is not sinful, as she suggested, to fire an employee who endangers you or who is abusive. I am not required as a Christian to take abuse like this just in case someone eventually listens to the Good News about the Christ and his father Jehovah. I am not a Christian punching bag. I am also tired of people and their judgements. If I were someone else, such guilt for firing her could make it harder to speak up next time.

I have a problem with worrying things will be seen as my fault and I'll be publicly humiliated as it comes out. I worry somehow I am responsible for the missteps and abuses of others, so I didn't need to hear that I failed these girls spiritually by sticking up for myself. That hurt but, I have to remember that neighbor has no clue what she's talking about and no right to tell me I am obligated to stick it out and give them "hope" despite knowing about the ill-treatment. Just wow.

Despite the early morning shocking words from my neighbor, it really has been a very good day.

Jordan

4

"Take your stump and lay down." It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn't. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness.

There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today's firing. She had been here several months but in that time she managed to offend me deeply and break rules that everyone knows shouldn't be broken.

I had to tell my CNA that she can't drive me while high on Marijuana. I have nothing against pot, but driving under the influence of anything is dangerous. Monday I had an appointment to see my therapist in his office. I made it but I found out she was high. She admitted it!

In addition to driving high, she was constantly calling me stupid. She said she was joking but she constantly said, "Shut up stupid." Hurtful crap! So today I made the decision that enough is enough. You can't sit with headphones and ignore me. You can't come to work high. You can't laugh at how I walk or call me "daddy" like you asked. She is so inappropriate. No kind of manners whatsoever!

Today she showed up with McDonald's breakfast and ate it at my table (on the clock) BEFORE getting up to make my breakfast. She had me wait until she was finished. Really? Basically she was angry because I stopped providing breakfast and lunch. I stopped because if she can't respect me I'm sure not going out on a limb for her.

Feeding her was my fault. I eat better if someone eats with me so I fed her if she didn't bring her own food. Well she stopped bringing her own food so next thing you know, I'm providing two meals. Well, I cut her off. No food. No more homemade wine. Right now I've got so little food until the 3rd that I seriously considered asking a friend for a little assistance! Pathetic! Pathetic!! The cat has everything he needs. He's good to go. I'm struggling at my own fault.

My CICOA person will call tomorrow to set me up with a new company. I don't expect much but I have learned a thing or two from this experience. Give an inch and they'll take a mile.

4

We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I'm not a very flexible person. I'm not spontaneous, don't like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about being able to find a way to enjoy life with a lion lurking around.

I was encouraged by the Oncologist the other day to keep moving forward and let them worry. He wants me to leave it with the doctors and as he said, "Keep shooting yourself." In other words, keep taking the shots! He's so funny, and so positive.

Dr. D and I discussed the financial side of chronic illness and how that can bring added stress. I'm doing a lot better about getting dolls finished. I've got one near completion and another well along. There are 3 total in the works with 2 being commissions. I've also completed one painting and am working on others. This should help add more to my Etsy shop for extra income.

We also talked about my own inner child doll. I was unable to hold her or even look at her much but now she's out in the open and I just love her. Dr D asked how I feel about the little girl I once was. The first word to pop in my head was "respect." I have great respect for her and what she was forced to survive. Not only did she survive abuse, she was living with Lupus since age ten! That little girl fought hard to live. I have nothing but respect for her.

Dr D noted the change in tone and emotion for my child self. A few years ago I hurt for her immensely. Before that I was angry at her vulnerability. I was stuck on anger for a long time. I remember the humiliations like they were yesterday and thought she should have done something different to make my mother love me. I blamed her. As I move further along in healing I see so clearly what the child self had to endure. I think having an inner child doll helped me see my young self as little, defenseless, innocent. In my head I couldn't see me as young but for some reason the doll gave me something to relate my size to. Well, it worked. I see in my head a tiny kid and I have great respect for her.

This is my first biracial handmade ragdoll with long curly hair that can be combed.

Jordan

2

Content : Suicide discussion. Physical updates. Flashbacks of abuse. Abuse.

The nurse will be here tomorrow. I've fallen 3x in a week so things are a bit messy right now.

I've been told I pushed too hard, tried to do too much.

I'll see Dr D tomorrow as well. He is concerned about what he calls hallucinations and what I refer to as body memories. This is the second time he's asked if I'm suicidal and the second time I've told him no. The more suicides I hear about the further away from a possibility it is for me. George Foreman's daughter and 3 survivors of school shootings recently took their lives! It hurts and reminds me of my brother's suicide. How could I make the decision to kill myself, knowing what I now know? Years ago it was an option but not now. Not now.

During flashbacks I smell blood and urine. I can feel her hitting me. I can smell her parfume. My stomach cramps and I vomit.

I'm feeling a bit down right now. A little lonely, too.

I should mention, I like my new CNA a lot. She's on time, works and drinks tea with me in the morning. The funny thing is, there are a few teas that are just for me. I don't share them. I finally got tea in the mail from Uganda. It's awesome and just mine. I have Japanese Orchid tea that is exclusive as well. Most teas I'll readily share but some are saved just for me.

Always serve tea.

Jordan

1

Content - Extreme physical abuse, siblings abused, emotional abuse

We talked about the dream I had where my mother beat my sister without mercy. It was brutal. She did so in a separate room from me, my cousin and 2 aunts. It was so bad and went on so long that I risked myself by knocking on the door to interrupt it. It worked and she stopped.

After the mother and sister emerged the cousin told my mother that I had made negative comments about her. I denied it. The mother took me in the room behind closed doors where she questioned me under threat. I swore I didn't say it. She believed me and let me go unharmed.

When we left the room the cousin admitted she lied. Everyone flipped out and yelled at her, why, why, why? She said that what my mother did to my sister was wrong but that my sister shouldn't have to do it alone. She said if I was beaten too then there would be an equalizing. My sister and I would be on even ground, sharing an experience. She said that it wouldn't be that one sibling witnessed the humiliation of another but that both would know and so one wouldn't be in a higher position than the other.

The dream was interesting to say the least because it touched on how it feels to watch a sibling abused and what it feels like to have your abuse witnessed. Someone saw the emotional and physical impact it had and that in itself is abuse and traumatic, to have someone see you like that. It also touched on the trauma of watching the horror show helplessly.

In the dream we were all at the mercy of the mother. The answer to making sure my sister and I were emotionally connected was for me to be beaten. Never did anyone step in and say, "You can't beat them this way" or "What you're doing is wrong and we aren't going to allow it." No, the answer was to beat me so that neither one of us was alone. One would be alone in that she watched the abuse. The other alone in that she experienced the abuse.

Dr. D and I discussed how my mother rarely went off the rails and just started beating us. She was more focused. She beat the palms of our hands, our feet with a dowel rod quite often. She beat our lips with a wide tooth comb. Rarely did she slap us in the face. When beating us with the dowel rod while laying down it was focused on our back area: legs, butt, back. There were times we got punched in the face but it was rare. My mother's rage was focused on areas of high pain, with an item she said she used because it hurt.

Robert spoke to Dr. D today. I can't say it was a good session at all. Robert is still very protective of us after the suicide issues with the CNA. Dr. D asked why we didn't report the CNA sooner than we did. He then said, "You usually protect yourselves so well." Robert reminded him that the CNA his the 'mother cord' with her suicide threats. We felt responsible! We felt guilty! We felt small and like we were in fight or flight. When it got bad it got bad quickly and we were in fight or flight. Why didn't I tell? Well dang it.....(sigh) what kind of question is that? Listen, I have mother issues and this girl played right into them. I'd even look her in the face each morning to see what kind of mood she was in to see what type of day we would have, just like my mother. If she cried then I cried with her. If she (the CNA and my mother) wanted to laugh then we laughed. I did exactly what I would have done had I been in the presence of my mother because I still have mother issues. She's the only person in the world who could make my knees shake. I told on the CNA when I could, period!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. D and I talked about hallucinations recently. I've been smelling blood and urine even though its not there. There's been a bit of depersonalization as well.

You know what? I'm not strong enough. I'm just one person and I've been through a lot lately. I've had so little time to recharge from the hospitalization, the amputation and the new life I'm leading. There's been so little time to get firmly rooted, then for the whole suicide thing to pop up and her behavior to mimic that of my mother is just too much. So yeah, things are messed up right now. My head is messed up right now.

Robert and Jordan

I'm trying to manage in my head that this all is not my fault. It only takes someone to hint that it is and my head gets all messed up. Right now it doesn't matter to me why I worry stuff is my fault, I'm just trying to say that it feels really bad to be thought of as a problem. So, I'm struggling with that right now.

To help matters, I got a call from the CNA company concerning the issues with CNA 1 and 2 as well as the chicken salad situation. They took responsibility for it and said they realized I was having a rough patch with cna's right now. It was helpful to hear from a supervisor that the company realizes the problem isn't me but the individuals being sent.

I talked to my CICOA representative who also said its the poor quality of individuals being hired that's the problem, not me. She shook her head in disbelief at the details surrounding the CNA and the suicide threats here.

I try to be "good" because being labeled "bad" hurts too much. I was always told I'm bad and trouble, a burden. Everything was my fault. It was as if I had the power to destroy the world in one mistake. I didn't know when I'd destroy lives but I was told I was and could make people unhappy. I was a horrible person, destroying everything I touched, ruining innocent people.

There was a time I found out that a friend had cancer. I didn't want to be around her for fear I'd somehow make her sicker. Forget that she was stage 4 skin cancer, it felt like my badness had somehow made her sick! That's when I knew I had to work on my perception of my badness. I mean, that's a lot of power, to sicken someone clear across the country!!! How did I get this super power to destroy lives since very young? I am not the devil. I don't ruin and destroy everything I touch. It was yet another lie I was told, brainwashing and emotional abuse.

Today I'm trying to toss out the idea that I am bad and that I ruin lives and opportunities, that everything is my fault and nothing good can stay with someone so bad and undeserving. These thoughts are not welcome and I'm not accepting them today. What I'm going to do is get up and work on a project that I know I can complete successfully. This will boost my spirits and confidence and help put my mind on a healthier track. Forget all I was told by my sadistic mother. Those thoughts and memories are not welcome. I'm powerful enough to push them away. Robert

2

I've processed this out in my head a bit because when it happened it got under my skin.

Yesterday one of the CNAs said several times, the reason she didn't work out here is because I'm "not used to working with adults" and she's used to "working with a different clientele." She said she doesn't like the clientele this particular company assigns her. Even now as I write it I'm like, really, a different clientele?

When she talked down to me that way, it fed into my issues. Her words stung deeper than they should have. My head heard her say that I'm not mature and that I can only relate to children, not adults. I can't hold an adult relationship.

I just said in another entry that my own mother couldn't hold an adult relationship if tried.

So the question I asked myself is this, can I hold adult relationships? Yes. I can and do. I had to counter the inner message that I'm broken, a broken child. To do so, I began to list my relationships.

I hold healthy and simi-healthy adult relationships. I have many friends that I see on a regular basis. I'm closer with some than others. I have a range of friendships from close inner circle to casual friends. I have friends from the internet as well as acquaintances from the internet, all adult relationships. So the answer is yes.

The CNA may not have even meant that I can't hold adult relationships. But talking down to me triggered my issues, issues my brain struggled to untangle.

When stuff like this comes up, I can either swallow it down or process it and move forward. I choose to move forward.

Faith

2

Fish Face Insanity by Sundrip

My neighbor has Schizophrenia. A different neighbor says it's not a mental illness but that he has demons. She inaccurately applied Scripture, which I quickly corrected, but its still on my mind and still bothers me.

She has no idea what comments like that do to a person with a mental illness. Though I corrected her, its not my job nor is it my desire to be the grand educator. I don't want to sit down the ignorant and set them straight, I just want to fight my battle without their words spinning in my universe.

When she said he has demons I thought to myself, she should never find out that I have Multiple Personality Disorder! That for sure would make her think I have Legions of demons in me.

disolve by robert Sundrip

When younger my mother used to tell me that my demons were upsetting her. My mother knew I had DID when I was at least a young teenager. She knew Morton by name and called him a demon. She said I'm possessed because of being a bad person. That too has stayed with me. I fight with the thought, that I'm a bad person, but I no longer fight the fear of having demons. My mother's reason for saying it wasn't ignorant beliefs it was cruelty and abuse. My sister knew I had others, too. She used to call out a young one to play. I don't know if she still remembers that or not.

You know, I got to thinking, mental illness isn't for the weak or ignorant. A person with a mental illness has to be one of the strongest people around because we have to fight tooth and nail just to keep our head above water. Then you add life events with it and you've got yourself one serious storm. We are not weak for having a mental illness, not even close.

The drawings included were created in the last few days as a way to survive myself.

Robert

I've been finishing work in my books. I set a goal this year to finish work I started but there was an interruption that put me behind. I decided after I got out of the hospital to pick up where I left off with finishing work. Here is one of the key pieces I wanted to work on. It's a story line about my aunt's life and the affect she had on mine.

She Sings, from the journal entry called Wide.

Mouth Wide Open - She Sings

She Sings

fma

2

Storied
Storied

I understand that my biological response to many things is still as if my body is fighting like when I was abused or when I was having medical trauma from a young age. My adrenal system fights so hard, as if it has to, still. All that adrenaline causes anxiety because I'm still trying to run despite there being no where to run. I feel trapped in my anxiety.

I sometimes respond strong emotionally when I don't mean to.

Right now I'm feeling very stressed by things: stressed about the CNA situation and about not having frogs. I know it sounds so insane that I'd be stressed without frogs but I'm stressed without something to care for, fuss over and love. There's nothing here to love! ...continue reading "Anxiety and Fight or Flight"

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