Many years ago I painted with a computer program. I painted stroke by stroke instead of with filters, making each line very personal. I printed off postcard art and offered it under my name, Sundrip. It was many years and many experiences ago.
Recently I found a stack of the post cards in an old box and began doodling on them. The Advocate came about, so did the idea to continue to mark up, up cycle and alter my own art piece.
I’ve created a section in my shop called Face It. You’ll find just a few original postcards offered for a short time and the altered Face It pieces. The piece that’s in there now is called The Advocate. It’s different from the original in that the colors are deeper, the walls are fuller and if they could talk, they’d have a lot to say.
Here’s the original postcard art from 2007.
Introducing The Advocate in 2024
The Advocate
A figure stands on a purple platform looking down. Purple is used to advocate for domestic violence, Dementia / Alzheimers, Fibromyalgia, Lupus and other systemic illnesses. The platform symbolizes the person’s difficulties that he or she must face. Who will speak?
The postcard is original art by me but there will be many altered Face It Postcard Series pieces. Each will be a one of a kind.
I found a jar of honey in an old supplies from the pandemic era. It had crystallized.
I didn’t want to go through the trouble of doing the double boiler thing to melt it down and shake it up but I do want it decrystallized. I can’t do the dishwasher method either. That’s where you place the honey in the dishwasher for three cycles and viola, no more crystals. However, I do have a coffee mug warmer, and time.
How it unfolded
I kept the lid on the whole time.
I saw signs of movement within three minutes.
I turned it over several times so it wouldn’t get too hot on a given side.
Give it a good shake from time to time.
The full process took about 30 minutes for six ounces of crystallized honey. The honey tastes just like I remember. 🙂 I know exactly why I buy from this particular beekeeper.
There are two beekeeping families with superior products who keep me coming back.
My wonderful full-time caregiver enjoyed the cinnamon and honey I made for her. Now for lavender and honey, lemon and honey, etc. I purchased a quart and the taste sizes are only one ounce so there’s enough to play with. 🙂
Well, I’m off to do end of the month tasks. Try not to worry they say. It’ll all work out they say. I’ve got evening care added on two days a week now, due to memory issues and others from long covid. They’re making sure I eat, too.
I woke around 9am but I didn’t get up until 1 pm. I just couldn’t get going.
Yesterday was a full day in that we went to Michael’s craft store, Hobby Lobby and Lowes. I got a sunflower stash at Michael’s, all 4 of the large sunflowers total $10. Score! I’m physically exhausted from that but it was great.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so afraid to sleep. I’ve even wanted to sleep with the light on. I’m uneasy and even afraid at night. I have no reason to be. I’m not a kid anymore. I’m under my own roof. Yes, the fear is strong but it only lives in my head. It’s not based on 2023. The fear is from a few years past and when I was young.
I fear laying down flat and suffocating. I didn’t fear laying down flat until the 2018 events. Now I panic and can’t breathe.
For me, the most trauma is February 12th when it all happened. May 7th when they amputated my foot and August 25th when I moved into this apartment. It’s funny, I don’t remember the date of the thrombectomy. That’s the heavy duty surgery I did. So yeah, I’ve got some PTSD stuff going on right now.
It’s also noteworthy that I’ve been switching personalities a lot. Honestly, the only person who should be out with our caregiver is Jordan yet little ones, Joan and Maureen have been out, too. The anxiety levels are very different.
I love that she takes me places. I love that she hasn’t missed a day nor has she been late the whole 4 months she’s been here. We’ve clashed but we’ve not quit on each other. She flipped out once and said some horrible things. I hope she doesn’t believe what she said …….. We primarily get along well.
Today I want to isolate. I want baked goods and endless hours of tiktok. That’s what depression says I want. Well, I’m up now. The tea kettle is on. I’ll sip Earl Gray, change my clothes and fight a little bit.
One secure way to feel better is to reach out and do something for others. A friend that knows I’m struggling is sending an e-card, everyday, for a full month. If that sounds like a lot, the same cherished friend sent me a rose every day for 5 months I was in the hospital. She’s truly a gift. So, what can I do to help someone close to me? I’m going to make two small paintings, one for the person sending me e-cards and one for a different person I know is struggling.
I think I feel well enough now to set a few minor goals for today.
Dust while listening to my book
Clear off my art table
One of two small paintings / greeting cards
Get in a halfway decent meal
Hopefully I can get some more art in my Etsy shop. I’ve got two more on the way.
I’m itching to make dolls again, too. I purchased 3 skeins of yarn yesterday to use for the doll’s hair; plum, burnt orange and honey-flaxen blonde. I want to do the purple first. I keep seeing people with beautiful non-traditional hair colors so I got purple and orange for doll’s hair. I’ll see what my creative side can do with these colors.
Alright, after 2 cups of tea and some typing, I think I’m ready to do part two of today. I feel a little stronger.
Four things I’m grateful for today.
A friend is coming to help with my hospital bed that’s giving me the blues.
I feel a tad bit of motivation. I want to tap into it.
Galaxy Nebula projector that makes being in the dark a bit easier.
You 🙂 for taking the time to read this. Thank you 🙂
It’s sobering to think that no matter what we do or don’t do, bad things happen, sometimes in rapid succession.
There’s an historic example of a man who lost loved ones, employees, finances and his health in no time flat. When I think about his life before disasters struck, I can see he did everything right, then blam! When reading that account there’s something I noticed, something I missed about it 5 years ago. He asked a lot of questions to help him understand his situation.
This poor guy got a lot of flack from people who should have supported him but didn’t. True help came from an unexpected sourse. But what gives me pause is how the gentleman handled himself during the entire nightmare. He listened more than he spoke. That’s significant for me right now.
I have so much going on with my health that I wonder how much one body and one mind is supposed to take? I’m not alone in piling up devastations.
I’m shocked and horrified by what my friend from the hospital in 2018 has gone through. It’s not bad enough she has Lupus, was on life support, had a stroke, had to relearn everything from being paralyzed to the point she was only able to move her pinky finger. Do you know the fight it takes to come back from that?
She spent significant time in a nursing home which is where we met. After she left and hoped to move forward, she had cancer and needed a double mastectomy! All without the support of her parents, for whom she openly grieves. Really?! Can our girl please have a break, too?
I think I understand even better why it’s best to take life one day at a time. I make arrangements then do day to day battle towards the fulfillment of the arrangements / goals. A day at a time is hard enough. I’m not about to double up on troubles.
As it stands, I’m going to need 2 hip replacements due to avascular-necrosis (AVN), the left is first. I can hardly sleep bc the pain has been high. Sitting can be difficult.
I’m discouraged if not fearful. I don’t want to have a knee jerk reaction to anything but I do want to prepare. I’m so grateful for having a good CNA. Please let her stay!
I’m working to downsize my responsibilities. In addition to selling 5 of my largest plants, I’m going to need to downsize pets before a yet to be scheduled total hip replacement on the left followed by an eventual total hip replacement on the right.
I’m going to rehome my two Madagascar Tomato Frogs as one complete unit. They come with their bioactive terrarium. I placed them on Marketplace and listed the various plant types, hard wood, hides, lights, screen and locks. These were purchased from Josh’s Frogs as early juveniles. They remain healthy at age two.
I hate to see the Tomato Frogs go. There’s no way on earth the 100g White’s Tree Frog terrarium is going anywhere. Don’t even ask lol The only pets being offered are the Tomato Frogs. Everyone else is staying. We already know Joe Schmoe’s place is secure.
Emotionally I feel hopeful about this. I fear having hope that maybe…. maybe with new hips I might walk again. I’m afraid to put my energy into what seems impossible.
As I was writing this, it occurred to me, I shouldn’t feel stupid just because something I hoped for didn’t turn out. For some reason I thought, if I openly hope to walk again but it doesn’t happen, I may feel foolish. And I will have made others hope without pay off for their support. This is wrong. Who wouldn’t hope to walk again? Who? And what friend witholds support because their personal pay off isn’t high enough?
I fear disappointing people. If I don’t walk will I have wasted their time? l honestly feel ashamed that I’m getting ready to put my friends through yet another ordeal. The hip replacement isn’t the ordeal, it’s my blood disorder related to Lupus that has me so worried.
My hope is to listen to the support of my friends without countering it with fear of disappointing them.
I intend to speak less and hear more. I don’t mean silence. I mean that my personal expressions and opinions don’t have to be shared in full, at all times. In my private life, I need to allow others to express themselves more.
There’s a time to speak and a time to listen. If I’m talking to a friend, I’ll hear more and speak less. In a group of people I don’t know well, listen more, speak less. Perhaps by not dominating the conversation I’ll hear the tid bit I need that changes the day from burdensome to manageable.
What an exciting few weeks. I went from mourning my old CNA to getting a new one with whom I am very well matched. Having her means I can let her do some things and leave other things to me. I can keep up with my letter writing and other forms of reaching out to people. And I can keep up with my artwork.
My goal was to re-open my Etsy shop but I’m not ready for that. I can paint and sew but right now I need to wait a little while longer. I’m ready to do the art, I’m not ready for the stress of opening up the shop and getting stuff out on time. The goal is to do so but at this time there is no tentative date.
I’m pleased that rumination has decreased, which makes thinking much easier. The depression is better under control, and my physical health is holding steady. Concentration is crap. It’s awful but at least I’m completing things even as I bounce from project to project. I have zero concentration any more.
Anxiety is wicked. I’ve changed up how I do my Delta-8 so that it will help with anxiety more and kick in sooner. Sadly there isn’t any guidance on this. It’s trial and error, but at least it’s still federally legal and the cost is still within my means.
THC brownie bites
I baked refrigerator dough cookies and brownies. I cut them into dose sizes then dripped liquid THC over the top of the goodies. Works like a charm. It can be done with THC butter, too.
THC cookie bites
My metabolism is deathly slow which is why it takes 2 hrs for a bite size edible to kick in. It lasts up to 5 hours though.
Pain is not my friend. Anxiety isn’t either, but the depression and physical pain is significantly less, which has raised my quality of life. I’m still a bit reactive but not even close to how I was. Eating is a chore but that is getting better, too.
Wow. Food prices! No matter how much food costs increase, my budget for food has not. It’s been stuck at $200 a month for a while now with no sign of change any time soon. I’m blown away by food prices. I’ve been trying to see where I can clip pennies but I’m not sure where anymore. Perhaps it’s not totally a bad thing that I have zero appetite. Amazon Fresh is so high right now that it’s straight up robbery!
Menopause – well, I haven’t gone to jail yet. A terrible hot flash at least once an hour. Decreased ability to handle stress. I click on people! An Amazon employee had me so frustrated that I asked to speak with someone else. She said, who? “I said, I don’t care, anyone but you.” I really wish I didn’t say that to her.
So, things are progressing in a manner I couldn’t see 6 months ago. I want to remember that even in the worst circumstances, everything changes. And since I am involved and invested in life, chances for positive change is strong.
I’m happy I lived long enough to truly believe and trust that things change. Youth doesn’t provide enough life experience to fully grasp that things change for the better and you can move past what feels impossible. I wish my brother could have understood that.
I bought a second sketchbook that’s small and easy to take with me if / when I leave the house. It’s also easier to hold in bed. And for the first time in a good long time, I had to buy art supplies. I was able to get ahold of the paint needed so I’m happy with that.
Right now I’m making the art supplies area more disability friendly.
Symptoms of the clinical depression (my nervous breakdown) significantly decreased but have crept up again. After my aide left, a person with whom I felt safe) abandonment issues began to derail me. At least this time I know better than to wait to see if the depression, anxiety, etc will get better. I immediately began using the skills I’ve learned in the last year so as to never revisit that horrible-for-everyone, deep, hollow place.
I remember thinking that everyone has an invisible line that represents a division between coping and totally losing it. It feel like as long as I don’t cross that line I’ve still got hope of getting better. Well I blew past that line and had no way on my own to get back. I couldn’t reach inside and pull up strength because I was hollow. There was nothing to pull from. I couldn’t even stop or control the emotions anymore. I felt stranded in the middle of the open sea.
I’m not where I was last time but some of the symptoms are troubling. The decline began shortly after being triggered by the loss of a CNA I felt safe with. Right now I am regrouping and using new skills so I don’t again completely fall to pieces.
I’m grateful for art. I can’t believe I did that mental health crisis with very little art. I had no way to redirect anxiety so it felt like it just sat inside eating away at me.
My included art piece shows individuals with solid black skin. I noticed the color of the shirts as being significant. The person who reflects my current state is wearing an orange shirt. I don’t think I’ve drawn my sister, me and my mother together in at least 5 years. This time it’s definitely all three of us, with me in the orange shirt with one foot and extra long arms.
When I looked at the chart created to record color significance, I could see a bit more into what I’m actually feeling. Come to find out, it’s very much representative of what’s going on in my life right now and what I’ve been thinking about.
The Art Therapy gallery explains color and symbol significance.
Orange: Fleeting courage or self doubt, ambiguity,
Purple: Self worth, pride
Black: Emptiness, vacant, does not exist, emotional death
Red: Strength, courage, empowered
My mother has been on my mind quite a bit because of my menopause symptoms. I remember seeing some of this as a kind.
I remember one winter my mother only wore a long, thin, black trench coat (it was the 80s ok) despite the fact that it was freezing cold. Several years later she had it so cold in the house that I wore a jogging suit to bed. Fast forward to 2022. The heat is still off. I had no idea menopause would be so life disruptive. My friend said her severe covid was easier than menopause. Wow.
Lastly, I did finish stealing the art piece but I’ve not put new art up for sale. I’m not certain I’m ready for that step just yet. I’m just going to keep at the art while working on emotional issues.
My abandonment issues have raged since the exit of the CNA I adored. She’s been gone for a week now. It’s affected my trust issues, paranoia and OCD issues. Going through the week with her knowing she would be gone in a few days was rather difficult.
I can feel the anxiety and emotion in my throat. I’ve been dealing with it by concentrating on art, plants and the cat. I’ve done so very little volunteer work. Argh.
Poor Joe is going to need a lightweight shirt to wear for the winter. My menopausal symptoms have affected heating the apartment. I can’t take this heat! I had it so the heat would come on at 65 degrees even while I have an 8 inch strong wind fan blowing on me. It’s not good right now LOL I’ve only turned the heat on about 3x since the season changed. How is it possible to be anemic and have hot flashes hourly, daily!
There was a day again where Joe seemed to have trouble with his front paws so I made him a bed, this time it’s on the floor. I would have made a box bed for him but my cat hates boxes. He doesn’t get in them. As a matter of fact, Joe runs when he sees a box or plastic bag. Yeah, he’s odd.
I thought I’d try to track the barometric pressure so I can kind of anticipate his arthritis pain and mine. Getting too cold will only make matters worse for him. I hope getting a lightweight shirt will help. It needs to be light bc cats can overheat too easily.
When Joe isn’t wearing his shirt I could let him use his bed with a safe heating pad that auto shuts off every 2 hours. I can set it to a low temperature and put it under his blankets, like I did last time.
I’ve done nothing more with designing Frog Mansion. It’s set up nicely but it’s not finished. I’ve done nothing to the Tomato Frog Apartment 🙂 I’m not calling it that LOL It’s just that it pales in significance beside Frog Mansion where my Australian Green Tree Frogs live. Anyway, I intend to work on it at the the beginning of December, at which time I’ll also add more soil and leaf litter to the Mansion.
Putting many of my houseplants in the mansion didn’t give back as much space as I thought but it has helped me simplify my watering system. Now I water plants 3 days out of 7 instead of daily. And it only takes anywhere from 20 min to an hour to water. I love how simple it is now.
I’m uncertain if I spoke of my hope plant. I’m seriously in love with this plant bc it’s name is my favorite word; hope. It’s in the peperomia family, which I’ve come to enjoy lately.
I would be lying if I said I’m not going to buy more plants but I will say they’ll have to wait bc I’m going to need paint. I’d like to get to Hobby Lobby but I don’t think it’s going to happen. It would save money though. I’ve never purchased from their website.
I’m stuck on the art piece in the photos because I now regret adding the ghost-like memories leading to and through the house. I’m not certain how I’ll make it look right. I’d remove them if so many other images weren’t dependent on the ghost-like memories.
I’ve got a completed painting that I’m determined to completely seal by Monday. I seal paintings in very small areas at a time because I don’t want pooling, running or gaps in the seal. I’m not going to spray it, so it’ll take a little time.
I’m not sure why I’m procrastinating. In general I’m not a procrastinator but I’ve been putting this off for 3 weeks. I’m having trouble letting go. I think I’ve been unsettled and I’m holding on to things.
To also unsettle me are the recent mass shootings, three back to back with a horrific quadruple knife murder. I don’t even know how to process this stuff and manage my own horrors.
I check the news online once a day, from various sources.
I will continue to have zero friends on my Facebook page so I can limit the amount of exposure to politics and the hatred it produces.
Despite the fact that the world has gone mad, I feel 99% like my normal depressed, anxious, dissociative self. Do I feel strong? No. I feel prepared and supported. I feel I better understand this part of the assignment.
Bonfire. The most exciting news is that I was able to go to the bonfire my friends had. It was wonderful! I got to pet a cute puppy ??. Then when it got dark the kids put glow sticks on. They made glow stick glasses, ears and bracelets then played tag in the dark. It was one of the most pure things I’ve seen in a long time.
Sitting there with my friends I thought back to when I asked why I even survived the events of 2018. Life was unbearable and I wonder why on earth I survived just to feel so hopeless. Now the public health emergencies have ended and I don’t need to isolate any longer. So I went to the bonfire and laughed with friends I’ve known from 10 to 30 years. There were smores, BBQ and innocent fun. That is why I survived 2018. Moments like the night of the bonfire, that is what I survived for!
I was in the hospital 2 weeks ago which totally freaked me out and triggered PTSD issues. I managed it though.
I had the opportunity to put my feet in grass again, which was the first time since the amputation. Unfortunately, I can’t feel the grass anymore, there’s just not enough feeling in that foot. Later I thought about how I can put my palms in the grass instead of trying to feel it on the surviving foot. It’s also come to my attention that I can do grounding / earthing with the palms of my hands …… I find it interesting that when primarily people of color didn’t wear shoes it was a reason to call us uncivilized. Now it’s earthing / grounding.
DID and Mental Health Its noteworthy that during my mental health breakdown during the pandemic, I had a split. I’ve done so much work integrating but I’m susceptible to splitting again, and I have. I talked to Dr D about it bc I recognized 2 people here who had been integrated. It’s taken a few months for me to be certain that Maureen and Crystal have split off again. I’m not a doctor so I can’t give specifics on how, but I’m 100% certain of it. I’m kind of embarrassed.
It was the assault that sealed my decision not to further integrate. I have who I have. Lol. Of course I’m staying in therapy, it’s just not with the goal of integration.
So this is my long, drawn out entry about all that’s happening over here on Sundrip and in the last few weeks. ???? Some things are trying, but I’ve made a lot of progress on the new psych meds. I’m pleased with the spot I’m in. I can now stand to be in my skin.
I started this little painting back in October of last year but I just now finished it. It looks so much better in person than the terrible photograph. This 7×10 watercolor piece has a lot of numbers on it. The numbers are ages that were very significant to me with age 47 being the last significant age on the painting.
The painting shows a young girl who divides the paper. She’s a young me with a split face depicting multiple personalities. Though I don’t know the exact age I split, I’m sure I was fully a multiple by the age of nine. I have a few symbols in the painting like a peanut and a purple butterfly as well as a wheelchair with a sunflower instead of a wheel.
One of the most significant things about this painting is the tree. It is bare on one side and full of colorful leaves on the other. Though they’re fall leaves that are technically dying, the point was to have colorful and lively leaves like seen in the Fall, which happens to be my favorite season.
I call the painting Half a Century More because of what a friend said to me jokingly the other day. I told her I’m about to turn 50 and she said, “Oh, you’re going to be half a century old.” Well I tell you I was floored!!! Wow. Do you have to put it that way? It took a few days to kind of get settled with it but now I think to myself, I’ve lived a half century but I’d like to live a half century more. I’d like to have a lot more art to paint, dolls to sew and days to figure out how to be happiest.
I won’t be 50 until August but I’m so, so exited I can’t stand it. I honestly never expected to see that number. For many reasons I didn’t expect to be here but half a century on and I’m still kicking!
Of course my head has been everywhere. I don’t feel good at all and the pain of this is constant. At first I thought, it’s just more pain, something I can ignore. I still think that but this is a new pain so I worry about not knowing what the pain means. Is my stomach hurting because the fibroid is larger than before or because it’s pressing against my bladder more? Is it pressing against a nerve in my leg making it hurt, too? So many questions and so few answers.
The GYN associated with the hospital that I’m firing isn’t helpful in one single bit. I called them and left a message. They called me back but I was on the other line with my Hematologist and couldn’t pick up. I figured I’d call them back. When I listened to their message they told me that when they call I need to answer the phone. I was like, what did she just say? “When you call you need to answer the phone.” Really? So I called them back and explained on their voicemail why I was unable to pick up and to please call me again. That was three days ago. I won’t even speculate why they haven’t called back other than to say that they are just a bad hospital and I don’t want to deal with them. I guess their unwillingness to be helpful is yet another clue that I don’t need anything to do with them.
I called because I have questions. I figured I could get my answers and then follow through with my plan to wait for the new provider for treatment. But getting answers from them is a joke. I can’t get through and no one is calling back.
Anxiety is high. I’m spending the extra energy on art and books. I did a tiny little drawing called “What if – Map to Nowhere”. It’s based on the understanding that all ‘what if’ roads lead nowhere. Here in bright colors are all the roads going this way and that way, leading nowhere. It’s a reminder of the map that takes you in circles with no resolution. It is pointless to go round and round with ‘what if this happens’ or ‘what if that happens’? So instead of keeping it all in my head I put in on a 2.5 x 3.5 inch wooden panel and put a magnet on the back. It’s refrigerator art 🙂
Do you need a reminder concerning maps that lead to nowhere? I put this tiny little painting in my shop in the Pay it Forward section. I’ll keep adding tiny art in that section so I can pass along the reminder to keep hoping and keep looking forward. Check it out at www.Sundrip.etsy.com . (SOLD)
Okay, on to the second little tiny art piece I did to relieve anxiety. This one is called Eye to Eye and is also 2.5 x 3.5. The finish on it really brings out the colors. It’s not a magnet though. I’d like to see this one with a tiny little easel displayed nicely.
A few entries ago I talked about Tiny Art. Safe Art where I discussed how this tiny canvas feels safer for me right now. It’s not so huge, like life, and is easier to manage and complete. I’m having a lot of fun creating them, too. It’s something to accomplish that I enjoy and that helps with the anxiety. There will surely be more to come.
I’ve also started on another doll which will be unlike any other doll I’ve shown on Sundrip. She’s not for sale though. I created one a month back and she sold very quickly. I never put her in the shop or showed her on the net because I wasn’t sure how well she’d go over. I did, however, show her to two people in person and one person through email. They all liked her. I’m making another for me because I’m moved to do it. So far I’ve got the body sewn and painted. I’m afraid of showing her because she’s nothing like the other dolls. She’s emotional. I’m worried about the reception so yeah, showing her on the blog doesn’t feel safe just yet. I would be crushed if a cruel comment came in, absolutely crushed.
So, I sit. I wait. I read. I’m currently enjoying The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. I paint tiny pictures and sew emotional dolls while hoping beyond everything August comes very quickly.
