It occurred to me the other day that I expected to be healthier than this and more functional. I don't know why I expected it but I did. It never occurred to me, even while in the hospital under those circumstances, that I'd lay here like *this,* feeling like *this*. What on earth was I thinking, really? Why didn't it dawn on me that it could stay ugly?
I had a lot of questions a year ago. Some of my curiosities were simple. Will I ever cross my legs again? And, will I ever dance again? The answer is yes. I can do both. I wanted to be able to go moss hunting and look for mushrooms and lichens. I looked forward to seeing all the little creatures associated with these types of natural settings. Thankfully, I've gotten to do all of these things again. It's been wonderful regaining these joys. But does it mean I can hope for better health or should I be satisfied with good days and leave it at that?
I struggle to see my life as more than Lupus and chronic illnesses because daily there's a nurse's aide in my home whose presence alone says, "You're sick." The nurse's visit twice a month in my home, plus a bunch of medications all scream, "You're sick." So I struggle to remember just what else I have. This is why my Gratitude Drawing Journal is so important to me. I can list all the thing that make me happy, calm and content. I can draw and paint positive feelings and experiences so I never have far from me just how often my life is good.
Yes, I expected better, more health. I expected to feel better than this but what I don't have in health I do have in loving friends, sustenance and covering, spirituality and joy! You know what? I never expected this. 😊
Three times last week I saw the doctor about my right foot because of the infection. She took a small biopsy to see exactly what type of infection is giving me the blues. I should know Wednesday when I return to her office.
I'm still handling it ok emotionally, I think.
I hate, hate, hate the medications I'm taking right now. They make me vomit, cause panic attacks and insomnia. I hate this crap but I know it's necessary. Last night I tossed and turned until finally I abandoned all aromatherapy and natural healing for a nice, green Clonapin. That helped some but not enough to keep me asleep.
Despite the feet being infected, especially the right one, I've had some really nice things happen this week. Here's my gratitude list :
I was quite shocked and very grateful to receive 3 new, blue blankets in the mail. 🤗 I was so surprised and overjoyed. How awesome. I'm spoiled rotten. LOL. One of the blankets is a weighted blanket! Omgoodness I love it! Total score!
I got a beautiful, large book on butterflies of the world.
Using German Chamomile and Marjoram essential oils on my feet helps with Phantom Limb Pain, as does the weighted blanket.
I had homemade strawberry shortcake with my CNA.
I've had a lot of phone calls and visitors this week. I also got a couple notes which I will add to my card box.
I heard, saw and recognized my first Catbird. Very cool bird.
I didn't get to sleep until 9 this morning bc my pain levels were too high. I tossed and turned and laid here looking at the wall. Finally I slept and woke at 6pm. The entire day is over. I'm not discouraged by this today bc the bigger picture is this - I've got few immediate responsibilities which allows me to have the time to be sick. I'm grateful for the position I'm in that allows life to stop and let me recover. Today is a day of recovery.
Good stuff that happened this week:
I sold 2 dolls and an original art piece.
Warm dinners were made all week here at home. I loved it.
I had pancakes 2 times this week. 😊
Homemade hot chocolate during the cold snap was wonderful.
I've been able to avoid prolonged emotional triggers by processing them and letting them go.
I bought a tiny wheelchair to sit a doll in. A friend of mine is having heart surgery and I can't be there, so I'm sending a representative. Froggie will go for me.
Monday was one of the hardest days I've had in a while. It started off with nightmares that stayed with me for much of the day. I tried to go back to bed to start over but had yet another nightmare. Then as planned, I got myself together, got on my horse (wheelchair) and left the house despite mega pain. I went to the shoe store and cried my eyes out in the store unexpectedly. I had no idea the grief would hit me right there in DSW but it did and there I sat crying in my chair in front of people. I felt like a fool.
Later I went to the post office to send out art only to discover that it was Columbus Day, no mail. That would have been fine except I was already at my max of stress and physical pain. Then later the big worry happened, I fell. ...continue reading "Surviving to Eke out Gratitude"
Do you know what it means when hair grows on your legs? It's not just an inconvenience for Westernized women, it's a sign of health. For years my legs had no hair because of the edema and other issues. Now, with less edema, with better circulation and healthier blood I actually have hair growing on my legs. Now, I'm not rivaling Sasquatch or anything but its enough that I'll remove it, finally. I had to look at it for a bit and be sure that it really was going to keep growing. I'll spare you the photographs, just take my word for it, it's growing.
I'm healthier inside and that's something to be grateful for today. Hairy legs, what it means, I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for my little measure of health.
I am, first and foremost, grateful for life itself! I'm grateful for each breath, even when it's labored, even when it hurts. I'm grateful to be alive. I'm about to be 47 years old at the end of this month. I can say I've earned each gray hair on my head which is why I refuse to ever color them.
I love my friends. I am very happy for my friend who became a great-grandmother for the first time. It's amazing to see her progeny, her beautiful family blossom and bloom over the years. How amazing it must be to know these lives all lead back to her. She has been enduring, strong and graceful during her recovery and deserves the happiness that comes with new births, dances, graduations and all those picture moments in time. I'm so happy for her right now.
I am pleased to finally get a look at my gifted 55 gallon terrarium. I knew it was being given to me and was the property of a young man who died. What I didn't know was that he painted the wood stand and top fire engine RED. Yes, bright red!!! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! It's tacky but I shall paint it and make this free gift fit my decor. ...continue reading "Gratitude Expressions 8/26/18"
The last few days have been torture. I hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet. The amputation site is having an electric storm of shock and neuropathy. It's been a bad few days and I've done very little reaching out. I've just been waiting for medication time!
The foot that was amputated coincidentally was the foot with Chronic Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Though amputated for other reasons, I hoped the RSD fire and pain would stop, it didn't and won't. It doesn't work that way. ...continue reading "Enduring the Days"
I posted a photo of my newly arranged tiny slice of paradise and got a lot of positive feedback. I love that area. When I think about my little home here I see it as relaxing overall, but I've carved out one spot dedicated to the things I love. The tea spot over there, too.
Someone on Flick told me I should go to YouTube and download some cricket sounds and the sound of a waterfall. I smiled because those sounds can be heard here. I feed crickets to my babies, the crickets sing.
When she suggested I go get sounds for this space I had to stop and be thankful for this room and for the tiny little slice of life I've made here. I get to hear my frogs call. Pete calls quite often but his love died several years ago, so no one calls back. Charlie calls once or twice at night then quiets down. How could I not love that room? ...continue reading "My tiny slice of paradise"
Art without a wall of its own is sad. "Young Joker" waited a little bit for the right wall to come along and it did. Packaged ever so carefully, this special art piece will travel to its destiny via US Postal System. It's a happy day when art gets adopted.
"Young Joker" is a rainbow dance around a patch of white flowers. Wrapped in the landscape are several who are finding their way through the meadow. A black bird takes the same path.
Art Title: Young Joker
Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Size: 8.5 × 5.5
Media: Marker, acrylic
Finish: signed on front and back, unmounted, not framed
Paintings that compliment "Young Joker" can be seen in the below gallery and are available via Etsy or PayPal invoice. See the sidebar for details.
Give art a home.
Feed a starving artist. Seriously, I could use a sandwich 🙂