My mind will catch up with me if I turn over and go to sleep.
Grief will catch up with me if I allow my mind to slow down.
I’m afraid of the images that are so vivid even with my eyes closed so I watch worthless TV shows and listen to books I’ve heard more than the author has heard it himself.
I feel myself running. I’m afraid of being left. I hate hanging up the phone after therapy. I hate when my CNA leaves for the day. I feel alone in the world when people leave. It’s not that they are leaving to go home, it feels like they’re leaving me.
My face is different all the time.
I see my different selves in photos.
My appearance drastically changes as the day goes on.
It takes so much mental and physical energy to leave the house. When I return, I look swollen and tired. Seriously, these two photos were taken hours apart.
I often do not recognize myself in the mirror and that spooks me.
On days when this is happening I go in the restroom with the lights off, and keep my eyes down so I don’t catch the eyes of the person in the mirror.
I recently looked at more photos of my mother and her sisters. You can tell we share blood. I don’t mind clearly being from that family. Years ago I started getting ok in my head with having my mother’s hands. It feels like it should bother me to look so much like that family but it doesn’t. I suppose it would be another story if they were dog-butt ugly.
Art
I like to play with light on my face. I often want my face to be my art, expressing different emotions.
Photos after dental surgery (and with a filter) allowed me to show how my heart feels bruised and beaten by grief. It’s not just grief for -K-, it’s grief over the catastrophic consequences from the selfish choices my family routinely made when I was young. It’s grief over decisions I made as an adult trying to survive my past.
Sometimes these things feel as if they consume me.
*No worries. These photos are from past dental surgery. I’m 100% safe and healed, as seen in the recent photos at the top of the entry. *
I sold a few paintings.
I sold the little girl with the balloon
and the one about faith. The funds will go towards my trip at the end of June. I’m hoping to really fill my Etsy shop in hopes of making more money for my three day stay. I’ve also updated my Redbubble shop that offers prints and products of my art pieces.
It’s 2 in the morning. I have things to do tomorrow but being alone in the dark is hard.
My head is no better than when I started writing. Please, I need peace inside.
Joan