Content – Talk of suicidal feelings surrounding Chronic Relex Sympathetic Dystrophy (CRSD), some hopelessness, hope art and talk of anniversary dates. We talked about how hopeless it feels to walk into the ER believing it’s a source of relief only to be told that there’s a crisis out there that has nothing to do with […]
Category: PTSD
All ‘what if’ roads lead to nowhere. I got to thinking, what if I get this art table but I still don’t paint? Then of course my head took off, so I decided to sit in my wheelchair at the dinner table and paint a ‘what if’ road map. What if I struggle with the […]
I get that a lot. As a matter of fact, the new CNA, the one I like quite a bit, said I look like I could get out of the chair and start walking. She said I look perfectly healthy. I’m beginning to be ok with such nonsense. I can’t get upset with people for […]
Several walls got knocked down. I need to figure out how to build them up with security but also openness. Dr D and I talked about how I now see life as before and after the hospitalization. It’s as if it blew a hole in the middle of my life, my reality and sense of […]
It’s been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It’s been good. I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors. I’m also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn’t think the company would care nearly as much as they do. […]
Categories
Give an inch
“Take your stump and lay down.” It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn’t. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness. There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today’s firing. She had been here several months but […]
We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I’m not a very flexible person. I’m not spontaneous, don’t like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about […]
All “what if” roads lead to nowhere. I decided to draw a little line drawing with my funky triple lead colored pencils to depict all those “what if” roads I’ve been going down. It’s not a great photo but the idea is there. It’s a drawing of roads going everywhere, fast. What if I die […]
The problem with being told I’m strong is that it seems to give onlookers permission to let me be, do little, and go on as usual. I hate being told I’m strong because of all the hidden messages with it. My doctor and I had conversation where I was asked if I really wanted to […]
(smh) What do you do with people sometimes? I wonder if she’s truly oblivious to the message she’s sending or if she’s aware and having additude issues. My CNA is sitting in the chair with her radio on w both earbuds in. She’s either watching a movie and making comments about the movie or she’s […]