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Category: PTSD

4

Published on 4 Comments on Good Day. My voice. Their hope.

It's been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It's been good.

I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors.

I'm also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn't think the company would care nearly as much as they do. As a matter of fact, they have filed a grievance against her license based on verbal abuse. They also tested her and will include the test results in the grievance for when she drove me under the influence. It appears this young woman will lose her license for these egregious actions. This does not please me because she is the provider of 4 small children, but I understand that there are consequences, in this case steep ones.

Monday morning at 9am a new CNA will arrive. Lord! Help me!

My neighbor says she is grieved when she hears I have "yet again fired a CNA." She texted me this morning to say that I have sent these girls away "without hope," that I should be preaching to them. I asked her ever so politely what she knows about the privacy of my home and the conversations that take place?

Being a student of the Bible means I talk briefly about the Bible to whomever comes through my door. It is not sinful, as she suggested, to fire an employee who endangers you or who is abusive. I am not required as a Christian to take abuse like this just in case someone eventually listens to the Good News about the Christ and his father Jehovah. I am not a Christian punching bag. I am also tired of people and their judgements. If I were someone else, such guilt for firing her could make it harder to speak up next time.

I have a problem with worrying things will be seen as my fault and I'll be publicly humiliated as it comes out. I worry somehow I am responsible for the missteps and abuses of others, so I didn't need to hear that I failed these girls spiritually by sticking up for myself. That hurt but, I have to remember that neighbor has no clue what she's talking about and no right to tell me I am obligated to stick it out and give them "hope" despite knowing about the ill-treatment. Just wow.

Despite the early morning shocking words from my neighbor, it really has been a very good day.

Jordan

4

Published on 4 Comments on Give an inch

"Take your stump and lay down." It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn't. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness.

There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today's firing. She had been here several months but in that time she managed to offend me deeply and break rules that everyone knows shouldn't be broken.

I had to tell my CNA that she can't drive me while high on Marijuana. I have nothing against pot, but driving under the influence of anything is dangerous. Monday I had an appointment to see my therapist in his office. I made it but I found out she was high. She admitted it!

In addition to driving high, she was constantly calling me stupid. She said she was joking but she constantly said, "Shut up stupid." Hurtful crap! So today I made the decision that enough is enough. You can't sit with headphones and ignore me. You can't come to work high. You can't laugh at how I walk or call me "daddy" like you asked. She is so inappropriate. No kind of manners whatsoever!

Today she showed up with McDonald's breakfast and ate it at my table (on the clock) BEFORE getting up to make my breakfast. She had me wait until she was finished. Really? Basically she was angry because I stopped providing breakfast and lunch. I stopped because if she can't respect me I'm sure not going out on a limb for her.

Feeding her was my fault. I eat better if someone eats with me so I fed her if she didn't bring her own food. Well she stopped bringing her own food so next thing you know, I'm providing two meals. Well, I cut her off. No food. No more homemade wine. Right now I've got so little food until the 3rd that I seriously considered asking a friend for a little assistance! Pathetic! Pathetic!! The cat has everything he needs. He's good to go. I'm struggling at my own fault.

My CICOA person will call tomorrow to set me up with a new company. I don't expect much but I have learned a thing or two from this experience. Give an inch and they'll take a mile.

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Published on 4 Comments on Therapy Review: Live free. Young Self.

We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I'm not a very flexible person. I'm not spontaneous, don't like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about being able to find a way to enjoy life with a lion lurking around.

I was encouraged by the Oncologist the other day to keep moving forward and let them worry. He wants me to leave it with the doctors and as he said, "Keep shooting yourself." In other words, keep taking the shots! He's so funny, and so positive.

Dr. D and I discussed the financial side of chronic illness and how that can bring added stress. I'm doing a lot better about getting dolls finished. I've got one near completion and another well along. There are 3 total in the works with 2 being commissions. I've also completed one painting and am working on others. This should help add more to my Etsy shop for extra income.

We also talked about my own inner child doll. I was unable to hold her or even look at her much but now she's out in the open and I just love her. Dr D asked how I feel about the little girl I once was. The first word to pop in my head was "respect." I have great respect for her and what she was forced to survive. Not only did she survive abuse, she was living with Lupus since age ten! That little girl fought hard to live. I have nothing but respect for her.

Dr D noted the change in tone and emotion for my child self. A few years ago I hurt for her immensely. Before that I was angry at her vulnerability. I was stuck on anger for a long time. I remember the humiliations like they were yesterday and thought she should have done something different to make my mother love me. I blamed her. As I move further along in healing I see so clearly what the child self had to endure. I think having an inner child doll helped me see my young self as little, defenseless, innocent. In my head I couldn't see me as young but for some reason the doll gave me something to relate my size to. Well, it worked. I see in my head a tiny kid and I have great respect for her.

This is my first biracial handmade ragdoll with long curly hair that can be combed.

Jordan

Published on Leave a comment on What if?

All "what if" roads lead to nowhere. 

I decided to draw a little line drawing with my funky triple lead colored pencils to depict all those "what if" roads I've been going down. It's not a great photo but the idea is there. It's a drawing of roads going everywhere, fast.

What if I die in my sleep? What if I only get a few months more? What if the doctor is wrong and they somehow save me again? What if I live with this and Lupus for a really long time? What if I defy the odds, again? What if I don't? 

All what if roads lead to nowhere. I figure when I start obsessing again that I'll pull out the paints or pencils and do a "what if" line drawing. This is my second. It's helpful to put it on paper and get it out of my head. 

Jordan 

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Published on 4 Comments on Show of Strength

The problem with being told I'm strong is that it seems to give onlookers permission to let me be, do little, and go on as usual. I hate being told I'm strong because of all the hidden messages with it.

My doctor and I had conversation where I was asked if I really wanted to know about the true nature of this illness. She said, is it better to know than not to know? She said that at least knowing, I can be prepared. She said I'm taking it well and that I'm a strong woman. I'm strong when I can be but when strength is gone I require what everyone else requires, a friend. But if people have the idea that I'm strong at all, I'll get left. People will forget me or maybe they'll push me to the background and go on with life as usual denying that I'm falling apart because it's easier for their pain. It feels so negative. Alone. Labeled strong for the self preservation of others.' Yeah this is bad but she can do it, she can take it.' I hate being called strong.

Today I was neither strong nor weak. I just managed through some severe fatigue and a few flashbacks from the hospitalization. My CNA was here when I was lying down and the flashbacks started. I turned over and dropped a few tears because the thought of doing that ever again is heavy. It took two or three minutes of silent tears and I was able to gather myself. I cry so quietly that unless you're right beside me you may not realize it at all. The CNA didn't know a thing which is exactly the way I wanted it.

As the doctor said, knowing means I can be prepared. I can, and so can the doctors. They know what to look for. They know the signs and how bad it can quickly get. (My heart is so heavy.) So yes, it's better to know what medications, what procedures, what surgeons and what hospital should be involved. We know who will speak for me if I can't speak for myself. Most of all we know this mixed up, emotional, half broken, headstrong woman wishes to live.

Jordan

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Published on 4 Comments on CNA – Rude. Ignored. Behavioral Issues.

(smh) What do you do with people sometimes? I wonder if she's truly oblivious to the message she's sending or if she's aware and having additude issues.

My CNA is sitting in the chair with her radio on w both earbuds in. She's either watching a movie and making comments about the movie or she's singing to her radio.

I live in a 500 foot studio apartment. We are all but against each other, six hours a day, 6 days a week. If a person tunes the other out w BOTH earbuds that says they don't want to talk. It says they want to be left alone!

So she came in this morning and didn't want to do anything so she asked if instead of making me a breakfast sandwich if she could buy me one instead. (sigh) That sounds ok to some but not to me. Toss two frozen biscuits in the convention oven, heat up some sausage, fry an egg, shut up! Let's not forget that while she's doing it she's clapping her hands and singing to the music on her phone! She can't hear me say anything to her.

Today I told her I'm having a hard time interrupting her music or movie just to ask for something. She said, I'm just over here waiting for you to tell me what to do. She said, I'm not doing anything but watching a movie, you can just interrupt. I said, did you not hear when I said I have a hard time interrupting you? I said, I have to interrupt your phone calls, your movies and your music. Besides, it's considered rude to interrupt.

I object to her music. The language is unacceptable. We aren't going to watch her kind of movies either and I've been part of one too many phone conversations of hers. Who accepts phone calls from PRISON then tries to get you to be part of the conversation? Who does that? So no, I don't want any part of any of it.

I'm so irritated! I've got to be able to talk to her about this when I'm calm. She doesn't see that there's a problem with it.

Lastly, this girl is so loud and animated when she does talk to me that the cat goes and hides in the restroom. (smh)

She shows up every day. She cooks well when she doesn't try to get out of it. She keeps my home looking nice and she gets me to the doctor when I need to go. There are pluses to keeping her. If only we could get a hold of her trying to get away with crap. She knows full well it is totally against company policy to be on the phone at all during work hours, let alone accept calls from prison or watch movies and listen to music with her back turned to me.

Jordan

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Published on 1 Comment on Sunflowers for the Weary

A friend of mine came over and brought fried chicken and a bouquet of sunflowers. It was too sweet. We sat and talked while I ate. I was hesitant to talk about health stuff because I didn't want to depress her. It was a very nice visit though.

Yesterday after I blogged, I went ahead and took a nap then put on an encouraging 3 part movie. I watched 2 parts of it. My goal is to find something encouraging to do when I get medical news that's upsetting. I have to accept what comes but I can also influence my attitude by feeding my head positive things; reading, movies, art and whatever else gives me encouragement. I think it'll help, so will visitors.

I hope my friends will understand how fragile I feel. My strength is flimsy but I'm working hard to keep it. However, I feel like it would take very little to move from appearing fine to showing that I'm not ok. I feel all over the place.

I have confidence in my Vascular Surgeon and my Hematologist / Oncologist. I have confidence that my therapist will be available to me just as he was when I was in the hospital. I am sure my friends, as helpless as they feel, will be just as helpful as they have been. A text, an email, a hug, it counts when nothing else can be done. It means a lot to me. I'm not doing this alone, not by a long shot. It makes it easier, ya know?

I have a beautiful boutique of sunflowers close to my bed. They're lovely. So despite my worries, despite feeling all over the place, I can add sunflowers to my list of things that made me smile today.

Jordan

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Published on 1 Comment on The Same Road

I saw the surgeon today. He didn't smile much at first. I always try to read him when I go in. I asked if he had bad news. I said, am I going to have to do that fight again, another excruciating, painful time? He said yes. I said, you could have given that news a little easier don't you think? He laughed. I said, do you say this with certainty? He said, yes, but your veins and blood aren't doing it right now.

Phlegmasia cerulea dolens. You vicious, evil demon.

I talked to him about the pain and he suggested cbd oil. I said, I'm ahead of you on that one. He said bc of how I clot, it's not a good idea to give me a nerve block or any of those injections. I'd have to stop taking my blood thinner for 2 days each time I needed an injection. He and I agree that I should not risk even two days off the blood thinner. He's sending me to a pain specialist with experience dealing with what I went through. Phlegmasia cerulea dolens in a patient with Lupus. I just shake my head because I have never felt more pain.

It's frightening, but Dr. L said it looks fine right now but his experience says all hell will break lose again. Until it does I have to learn to live without feeling like I have a black cloud over my head, like I'm just hanging around waiting for the other shoe to fall. Part of me wanted to know if I'd have to do it all again because I hoped the answer was no. I wanted him to say the worst was behind me. I hoped I would be a 90 yr old woman causing trouble in the nursing home because some whipersnapper snuck me in some chocolate and wine. What the heck am I supposed to do now? It's only been recent that I stopped thinking each day may be my last. I had a 'why bother' attitude, 'I'm just going to get another blood clot and die anyway.' Only recently have I stopped living like that.

What he said today is sobering but not 100% a death sentence. It feels like it because I barely survived my body the first time. I guess the plan is to keep making emotional progress, keep moving forward until whenever. I'll find a way to thrive and do so with my new furry boy, Joey.

Today I had myself a nice cry on the bed. He snuggled up to me then slept on my hip. He's beside me right now. I just love this guy.

Dr. L suggested I try cbd gel for my feet instead of the regular oil. I'll try to get it some next month.

Thank goodness for insurance. I may be upset about my out of pocket expenses but shoot, I take $17,000 a month in prescribed medication. I would be in serious trouble if I weren't well covered. My insurance pays for my nurse and CNA, too.

I believe chocolate should be covered by insurance.

Jordan

Published on Leave a comment on Shoes and Pride

I went to the store today to purchase cat food for Joseph when I decided to stop by the shoe section to see if I could find something I like. It was suggested by friends and my nurse that I try buying 2 different sizes, one for the full foot, one size for the amputated side. I thought I'd look today.

I rolled up to the shoes and saw a dark pastel pink pair of sneakers that really caught my eye. As I looked for two sizes I thought, ya know, I wear Converse for a reason. I can't wear these "other" things. It's just not me. Yes, other shoes are cute too but Converse are my mark. So I'm going to stick with them except for when I wear a skirt.

I had no choice but to have the foot amputated, but I do have a choice to continue to wear the shoes that I walk in that make me feel good. More on that in a second.

As a woman, shoes matter. I got rid of my birkenstocks bc of the amputation. I can hardly walk so you know pumps are out. No shoes w the back out, no slip ons. My shoe choices are quite limited right now. As a woman who loves shoes, this hurts. So when I put on the Converse, I put on something I really like that I didn't lose to the amputation.

House slippers are out. Clogs, gone. One needs toes for flip flops. Converse are one of the things I like that I didn't lose so continuing to wear them is a security for me.

I'm not sure I'm ready for the step of buying 2 different size shoes nor am I emotionally ready to venture past high top Converse. I thought I was but I'm not sure. So instead of coming home with shoes, I purchased purple fuzzy socks that match my purple fuzzy robe. I so wanted big, stuffed house shoes to match that robe but I can live with fuzzy socks. Since they were on sale I got the pink ones, too. 😁 Lovin' my fuzzies.

I don't like wearing only Converse all the time, every day without exception. I long for birkenstocks and a broomstick skirt while rocking dreadlocks w homemade beads. That makes me smile. Those shoes are a thing of the past but maybe this new Podiatrist really will make me a pair of shoes I can wear with a skirt. Then I'd wear the Converse for everything else without grumbling. I like them, as I said. I'm happy I can still wear them when most shoes I can't. But skirts are a part of me, too and I'd really like to wear them without Converse.

The foot has healed 100% from the infection but of course that's not the end of the story. I've been a bit quiet about it bc it makes no sense to me to keep blogging about this&that foot crisis. It's being managed and it will hopefully not become a huge ordeal.

Last but not least, Joe the cat is awesome! He rocks. He's quiet, loving and doesn't know a stranger. He's just like me in that he doesn't like a lot of noise, but if I turn on a video he's right here on my chest watching it with me. It's too sweet. I'm so happy he's here.

Look at those big, green eyes screaming 'Love me. Love me.' Well I surely will.

Jordan

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Published on 6 Comments on Where?

Where are my coping skills? Where is my ability to handle my health issues?

I wish I could say I am emotionally better than the last time I was in the hospital but I'm not. I'm just as shocked and stunned asking, is this really my life? Seriously, they were going to take the rest of my foot had Dr L and his team not come in and said you're looking at this wrong. I am shocked at how close I came to more pain! That's what I'm afraid of, the pain. And I'm stuck in the fear of hospitalization trauma. I'm stuck.

How many journal entries can I write where I talk about my health? So I write yet another bc my platelets are low. I'm physically exhausted! I'm emotionally exhausted from the up and down, from the constant medical crisis... one after the other.... I'm just exhausted. And I'm stuck in fear and shock. Can I get through next week without some health issue, please?

I can't seem to get my emotional footing. How do I do that when there's so little time between crisis? Due to health issues it feels like I stay in fight or flight. I keep waiting for the other shoes to fall. How do I breathe again? How do I feel calm inside and trust the moment? I fear becoming bitter!

I've not drawn in a month. Nothing at all. I don't even have art supplies by my bed anymore and I don't care. I have a ton of supplies, no shortage here, but there is no drive. Let me sleep, that's all I seem to want to do.

I don't tell my friends these things in detail. I have tried to tell a few but they seem shocked. They say stuff like, I'm so encouraged by you or you dealing with a lot and you do it so well. I know that's supposed to be positive but I can't reconcile it with how I feel. I am devistated and lost and afraid and tired of crisis after crisis.

Where is Faith? Where am I? I miss the girl who could find light in just about anything.

Me

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