Categories
Abuse Dreams Multiple Personality Disorder PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

The unwelcome child

I just woke from screaming “No!” in the dream where I wasn’t being attacked or physically abused. In the dream I was staying with friends in their home. My mother was staying there, too. The only thing I got to keep of my things after the move were dolls, the clothes on my back and […]

Categories
Anxiety I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Pelvic Ultrasound. Therapy and Accessibility.

I’m going to have a transvaginal ultrasound Wednesday the 8th at 1:10pm. One of my best friends is taking me. She and her husband took me to the doctor yesterday. When I came out and it was over, I was emotionally spent. I cried and cried. Right now I feel like crap. I want to […]

Categories
Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

On seeing the doctor. Blood disorder issues.

Content: Passing more golf ball sized blood clots. Oncologist and Gynecologist appointments coming up. I went to the doctor but they were unable to examine me for various reasons. They wanted to start me on a medication that I can’t take because of the blood clots history. I called my Oncologist / Hematologist to verify […]

Categories
Anxiety I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Perimenopause and clotting. Blood thinner realities.

Content: Very personal entry. Perhaps not for the squeamish. Talk of blood and blood clots as well as being on a blood thinner during the cycle. I’m struggling physically. I thought I was going to the hospital last night. I didn’t go because I thought to myself, I just can’t do the battery of tests […]

Categories
Art Art therapy Artists Thoughts Black Children Children Mixed Media Multiple Personality Disorder Originals Paintings PTSD Sunflowers

Tiny Art. Safe Art.

Sometimes I paint on a tiny little canvas because it feels less overwhelming and very doable. Larger canvas is hard to manage so I don’t mess with that at all but even at times an 8 x 10 piece of paper is daunting, so I pull out a small little canvas and let my mind […]

Categories
Abuse Anxiety PTSD The People Behind My Eyes Therapy Review

Therapy Review: Fix What I Didn’t Break

My heart is heavy. I talked to Dr. D about the nurses aides not showing up again. They weren’t here last Monday when I talked to him and they aren’t here today and more than likely won’t be here tomorrow. Four or five people have told me that I’m not the problem with why people […]

Categories
Anxiety Art Art therapy Dreams PTSD Sketchbook diary The People Behind My Eyes

Anxiety. Art. Gratitude.

I’m still screaming and fighting in my sleep about things that happened two and a half decades ago. It makes me wonder if I will ever have peaceful sleep. I feel like I have a measure of peace in my waking hours but sleep is haunted, vicious. Today my anxiety took a turn for the […]

Categories
Anxiety Lupus PTSD Sketchbook diary The People Behind My Eyes

The CNA Challenge

I’ve got 2 new CNAs right now. I talked to the company and told them how I’ve been feeling about the loss of care every few months. I feel like a failure, I said. I feel like people think it’s all my fault and that maybe people simply don’t like me after awhile. The manager […]

Categories
Abuse Anxiety PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Curve Ball

Back when I was in the hospital I contacted three family members to let them know I was ill. Then six months after, I contacted one of them again, with no response. My sister responded by saying she didn’t care if I lived or died. Two years have passed since the hospitalization with no word […]

Categories
Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Two Years On

May 7th will be two years with the amputation. Funny, my therapist still can’t say that word. He just says, ‘the operation.’ I think the only thing that really makes me sad is not yet being able to wear shoes. I thought I could but not yet. I purchased a pair I thought I could […]