I told Dr D that I struggle to keep from resenting people who won’t keep good COVID-19 practices. I’ve been isolating for so long that it’s starting to wear on me. Seeing people go without a mask and go about like nothing is wrong, make it harder on the rest of us who are trying […]
Category: PTSD
I can’t seem to kick the idea that I am somehow dirty inside and out. I know why. I recall the names I was called so viciously. I just hate that even now, at 49, I want to protect people from my unclean feelings. I have a sweet little CNA that shows up daily. She’ll […]
We talked about my mother’s narcissistic traits such as the need to appear perfect and her inability to accept criticism of any kind. We talked about her viciousness and sadistic nature but not too much detail. Most of the time I talked and tried to keep from having to address the visualization technique for compartmentalization. […]
I can’t stand it. I don’t even know why I’m writing it. I guess because it helps just to say or scream that it hurts. I think when I hurt this way it starts to make my heart sad. I feel it emotionally, too. I’m not sure why. The physical pain makes me hurt inside […]
I hated to do it but I had to fire my 19 year old CNA for habitual failure to wear her mask and wash her hands. I talked to Dr D before I fired her and explained that I was worried I’d not get care for days on end if I fired her but I’ve […]
Dr D and I talked about how I’m affected by what happened to me. I really just want to curl up and block everything out, I told him. He’s concerned. I feel a lot of fear. I also feel as if there’s a lot of pressure to be supportive of other survivors. It feels as […]
The Young One (my CNA) showed up looking lost. She put her head on the table and looked at her phone a bit. I didn’t know what to say. The thing is, she’s here to assist me, not the other way around. But my heart goes out to her. We didn’t talk much. We don’t […]
Uterine Ablation Surgery I dropped a few tears because being wheeled back reminded me very much of going through the tough thrombectomy in 2018. The doctor asked why I was crying. He then said, you have PTSD from what you went through, don’t you? I shook my head yes. I’m a very hard stick and […]
Stress and anxiety have taken over the last two weeks. I stopped eating and took in fewer fluids than normal. I was exhausted. I could hardly breathe but my oxygen levels were very good so that made no sense. My chest was tight. I was faint, weak and had low blood pressure. They thought I […]
Categories
Guilt. Shame. Fear.
Content: A very emotional writing. Trauma, current as well as PTSD. Today during my therapy session Dr. D and I discussed something traumatic that took place August 6th of this year. We’ve talked about it a lot and have processed how I feel as well as how others inside feel. However, this conversation took place […]