Content : Suicide discussion. Physical updates. Flashbacks of abuse. Abuse.
The nurse will be here tomorrow. I've fallen 3x in a week so things are a bit messy right now.
I've been told I pushed too hard, tried to do too much.
I'll see Dr D tomorrow as well. He is concerned about what he calls hallucinations and what I refer to as body memories. This is the second time he's asked if I'm suicidal and the second time I've told him no. The more suicides I hear about the further away from a possibility it is for me. George Foreman's daughter and 3 survivors of school shootings recently took their lives! It hurts and reminds me of my brother's suicide. How could I make the decision to kill myself, knowing what I now know? Years ago it was an option but not now. Not now.
During flashbacks I smell blood and urine. I can feel her hitting me. I can smell her parfume. My stomach cramps and I vomit.
I'm feeling a bit down right now. A little lonely, too.
I should mention, I like my new CNA a lot. She's on time, works and drinks tea with me in the morning. The funny thing is, there are a few teas that are just for me. I don't share them. I finally got tea in the mail from Uganda. It's awesome and just mine. I have Japanese Orchid tea that is exclusive as well. Most teas I'll readily share but some are saved just for me.
I don't know how to write this entry. I've been trying since yesterday to contain myself enough to take notes from therapy concerning all the suicide triggers of late. Perhaps first I should say I understand the desire to die and I understand what pushes a person to try because I've tried myself, but it doesn't seem to apply with my brother. I can't seem to square it with my brother because he was loved so much but when I was trying to kill myself I wasn't loved abundantly like him. It seems to make a world of difference.
My brother left behind his entire children's orchestra, his family and friends. He was loved very much and so robbing us of himself feels brutally painful.
I'd like to know how he came to the decision that it was ok to leave us behind with few answers to a world of questions? How did he justify leaving us all by suicide? Did he think we'd get over it? If so, he should have left instructions how.
Is love enough to save a life full of physical or emotional pain? Is being cherished and adored enough to keep you alive?
I have a memory that is stuck in my head. It's of him at age three. He's standing at the kitchen sink on a chair washing dishes. He loved doing that. And he turned around and smiled the biggest smile like, look what I'm doing. That smile is burned in my mind. The memory is painful and joyous.
I had hoped he would break away from the family of ours and live a life free of abuses we suffered. I hoped a lot for him. Now he's gone and it's insufferable. The only thing I have left of him now is his toddler's smile.
Cruel Words was painted by several of us. What strikes me is how affected I was by the suicide of the CNA's friend.
In the drawing there are heads blown off the people in the trees. That's a first for drawings and hopefully the last. I know the kids inside were very affected by the suicide. Having her cry in our arms that way was very heavy.
I fired my regular CNA who had cruel words for me. Anxiety is already high for us, we don't need to worry about the mouth of our CNA and what she will say that'll hurt.
The grumpy CNA is pregnant with three weeks left. It is entirely possible that her change of attitude is purely hormonal, however, the irritability and weariness she caused couldn't be tolerated. It is also true that I can't justify asking an 8 month pregnant woman to lift my wheelchair and take me to the doctor. I feel horrible asking her to do my laundry or run the sweeper. The girl is tired and irritable! Dang!!!
I like her but the change in her isn't safe for my personal issues, ya know? I talked to her about why I fired her and she said she knows she's hormonal and understands. I even told her it's about time to take maternity leave because she can't be at my house when her water breaks. lol. I can't handle that. I don't know nothin about birthin no babies.
Firing my CNA was the right thing to do. I was walking on eggshells in my own home and that can't be. So, on to the next chapter in the CNA Saga.
The art piece was created in watercolor and is 7.5 x 10 inches on 98 lb paper.
I would say I've hit a rough patch but this is no patch, this is a field. Now I have to figure out how I'm going to traverse this ground with its pits and stones.
Today has been difficult but quiet, manageable. Anxiety is high, still, and my body hurts from head to toe. That's nothing new. Pain is as common as flowers. I feel it everywhere I turn but, being a few days out of the thick of depression means I see a little light ahead.
What a nightmare it's been. Today isn't. Today has been difficult but manageable. Yeah, I'm in my field of "flowers" and I'm a bit worn down, but I'm still here. I made it. I made it through that cycle of depression.
I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.
I cried from open to close of the session. It's been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it's reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I'm surprised I was able to stay awake for the session. ...continue reading "Therapy review: What I need to hear"
My hormonal depression drags me around like a mop head picking up dirty and left over grime. I can't get off the floor.
Depression is a liar. Depression tells me that people who care don't love me at all. It tells me I hate them for letting me down when in fact they really haven't. I'm angry with people who love me and its fueled by depression. It's a lie that it won't matter if I'm dead, or it'll be a relief because they can get on with their own problems instead of dealing with me all the time. ...continue reading "Depression is a liar"
When I talked to Dr. D he asked how I did with him gone. I didn't want him to think I cared or needed him so I told him I did just fine. I told him I needed the vacation time too, which is true. I didn't want him to go for two weeks. The timing felt bad. I felt like I was in the middle of a medical crisis and really needed my therapist. He has this confidence that my friends will support me. My friends are confident my therapist will support me. I don't feel too supported with the depression and such lately. Someone else will do it, that seems to be the standard.
Wow. I can't seem to wake up. I just sleep and sleep. At least its quality sleep though. I'm not having nightmares. I don't know what the issue is but man I can't wake up.
I have a little more motivation which was needed. I wasn't getting much done. The depression saw to it that every task from making a sandwich to changing my clothes seem a monumental task. There was no motivation to do anything. The depression was sneaking up on me again and can be felt still but not to the same level. I'd say I went from an 8 depression to a 6 depression. My personal level six depression is still motivation starved but I'm able to function better. I don't function at a level 8 depression. ...continue reading "Sleep. Suicidal Relief. Perimenopause."
When I first went in to therapy I was nervous. I didn't want to be there at all because I knew I was going to talk to him about feeling less than fully supported by my therapist on the issue of suicidality. I feared he'd become defensive but he didn't.
I told him that he does ask questions but that its just information, nothing is done with it. It just hangs there. I said, you do ask how I'm doing but there's little of no response after I answer. I explained that when we talk about my anxiety he probes. He asks how I intend to manage it. I said, you are interested, concerned about those levels and it shows because you engage me. I explained that I don't feel the same level of interest or concern when discussing suicide. I said, you know, sometimes I call you and ask one question, "Am I going to be okay?" I started crying at that point and cried through the entire session. ...continue reading "THERAPY REVIEW: Confidence. Being Heard. Suicide. Perimenopause."
I want to say I'm sorry for writing so much about feeling suicidal. I feel like I of all people should never feel this way, not after losing my brother to suicide, not after being so angry with my sister for feeling this way. I feel like a hypocrite. ...continue reading "Guilt for suicidal feelings"