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Category: Artists Thoughts

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Published on 4 Comments on Therapy Review: Live free. Young Self.

We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I'm not a very flexible person. I'm not spontaneous, don't like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about being able to find a way to enjoy life with a lion lurking around.

I was encouraged by the Oncologist the other day to keep moving forward and let them worry. He wants me to leave it with the doctors and as he said, "Keep shooting yourself." In other words, keep taking the shots! He's so funny, and so positive.

Dr. D and I discussed the financial side of chronic illness and how that can bring added stress. I'm doing a lot better about getting dolls finished. I've got one near completion and another well along. There are 3 total in the works with 2 being commissions. I've also completed one painting and am working on others. This should help add more to my Etsy shop for extra income.

We also talked about my own inner child doll. I was unable to hold her or even look at her much but now she's out in the open and I just love her. Dr D asked how I feel about the little girl I once was. The first word to pop in my head was "respect." I have great respect for her and what she was forced to survive. Not only did she survive abuse, she was living with Lupus since age ten! That little girl fought hard to live. I have nothing but respect for her.

Dr D noted the change in tone and emotion for my child self. A few years ago I hurt for her immensely. Before that I was angry at her vulnerability. I was stuck on anger for a long time. I remember the humiliations like they were yesterday and thought she should have done something different to make my mother love me. I blamed her. As I move further along in healing I see so clearly what the child self had to endure. I think having an inner child doll helped me see my young self as little, defenseless, innocent. In my head I couldn't see me as young but for some reason the doll gave me something to relate my size to. Well, it worked. I see in my head a tiny kid and I have great respect for her.

This is my first biracial handmade ragdoll with long curly hair that can be combed.

Jordan

Published on Leave a comment on Risk. Be More

Dr. D and I discussed the possibility of me painting almost daily at set times. This would allow me to know ahead of time what to expect. I need set times for things as well as lists to feel more control over my environment and situation. Setting a specific time to paint and doing it has helped me to relax more while painting. There are no expectations. No pressure to produce view worthy materials. The goal is to create and to risk. At first I was concerned about wasting paper and paint but truthfully, I have plenty of both so paint I will.

I've learned a few things over the years about size and media for my personal use. If I use paper that is too big then the project is overwhelming and may not be completed. Paper that is 8 x 10 is usually undaunting, however, there are times I'm so closed up that I need 5 x 9. These sizes also mean if I'm confined to the bed I can still paint with relative ease.

I know for a fact that I'm a paper artist. I love paper, especially textured papers. Oh they just do something to me. Pencil, pen, brushes and other tools are musical as they hit different textured paper. I absolutely love it.

I've been asked if I paint on canvas and create larger art but the answer is no, I usually don't. I'm not comfortable with creating larger art. There's been so much discussion on this subject but the bottom line is this: I am an artist who creates smaller works on paper. Staying within these bounds means I stay true to my craft. It allows me to freely paint instead of attempting to become something I'm not. When I allow myself to paint at a size comfortable for me, I am able to express myself and risk creatively.

Be More by Sundrip

"Be More" is a 7 x 10 watercolor and ink piece created in a wire bound Canson notebook. The art therapy piece expresses the need to bring my emotions to a more balanced view.

I see myself in such a negative light and demand a lot of myself. I'd like to lose the idea that there's something fundamentally wrong with me and get closer to the balanced view that I'm just a flawed human being like everyone else.

After creating the piece free style, with no expectations, I looked at it and began to write what it brought up. The first thing that came to mind is that it's disorganized and very raw. This didn't feel negative to say. It seemed to reflect how I've been feeling lately, disorganized and like I'm just flailing about like a fish out of water. I noticed that the two people dominate the picture. They hold hands and share a small red flower. Though both have a missing foot, one has her mouth open and the other is closed.

As I began writing words like disorganized, fearful, disliked, desperation and paranoid, it occurred to me that I should write how I'd like to be and ways that I am at times. The other side of the paper includes words like risk, flexible, fluid, acceptance and giving. Right between the two figures and by their feet is the word 'integrate'. This reflects my desire to be more harmonious with reality. Reality is that I'm not all bad or all good. Things are no so black and white with me.

Be More detail 1

Of all the words that were written, one sticks out the most. It is the only word that appears in all capital letters and that is the word BURDEN. I ...feel...like...a..burden to others! It'll be quite the struggle to get that emotion in check.

It felt really good to complete this art therapy piece. I like free style painting. I like adding converse words/ideas that turn the piece into a learning and mindful experience.

Faith

Published on Leave a comment on Therapy Review : Security Shaken

I left something behind in the hospital. Under pain and pressure my mind split and broke, but it's much more than that. I've been shaken to the core.

I feel like I should apologize for still talking about the affects of the hospitalization, like I should be over this. Anyway, what Dr. D and I discussed is how the medical events felt like my own natural disaster, my own earthquake. My entire world shook, right down to the core of me. It destroyed things I fear I won't get back. Further discussion brought out more on what part of me feels like it broke and was left behind in the hospital. What part of me was left behind in the hospital? We moved from the natural disaster example to one of home invasion w assault and robbery.

The medical events where sudden. No time to prepare for them. The events saw me lose my home, pets, possessions and part of my body and nearly my life. It's as if a robber came in and stole all of it and gave much physical pain while doing it. And much like a robbery victim, I am feeling a huge loss of security. That is what was left behind in the hospital, the piece of me I fear I won't get back. It is also a huge creative block as I can't seem to risk the way I did before. All I get out anymore is geometric shapes in color or black and white. If I can't risk, how will I ever truly paint again?

I know that I need to move more towards acceptance of my new life. I know that, but I grieve the loss of the old that seemed to be coming along better. I was losing weight! I was walking more, healthy enough to care for a dog. Yes, pain still consumed me but from where I am now, what I see is that the life was mine. It belonged to me and I had a sense of trust and security. The hospitalization changed those two things. While I don't worry daily that I'm going to die bc of a blood clot, I do struggle with it. I go back and forth between feeling super alive and feeling like I have one foot in the grave. It's as if I am running forward making progress, feeling good and I suddenly remember not to trust that feeling. And I'm right back in the hospital bed with the smells and sounds and the horrific pain. I'm back to feeling lost, insecure and shaken.

It'll be a process to get out of this spot and I know it. I just miss so much of what was. People pressure others to live in today, don't look back, accept what you can't change. I'm not there yet. I'm limping toward that goal, but I'm not at acceptance.

I go in to see Dr D next Tuesday. I was to go in Friday but that's not going to work.

We briefly discussed that my new CNA is testing her employer's patience to the limit. She has informed them that she will not return until May 2nd. I shake my head bc it's a bunch of bull why she requested the time. Due to her attendance issues she may get fired by the company. I'm also frustrated with her attendance problems.

Faith

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Published on 1 Comment on Black and White

Finding artwork created by alter personalities used to happen quite a bit. I thought it was strictly a thing of the past but I guess I was wrong. It would seem that I still find art I don't know a thing about. I was quite shocked to see the piece called My Sister in the middle of the entry Half of Us and All.  That piece is by Michelle and I have no recollection of it. I was relieved to see it though because I thought the only thing I am no capable of is abstract images in black and white. I thought I was all arted out or something. So when I saw her drawing and several of Robert's drawings, I was quite pleased that we've still got some art images in us to put on paper. I'm not going to press it though. If all I can do is put ink on paper from corner to corner like in this entry then so be it. If other times I paint or draw something more 'substantial' then that's fine, too.

black white african fma Sundrip

Dr. D and I talked about my creative goals for next year. My goal is simple which means its going to be difficult. My goal is to have some fun, just let it be. That's what I intend to do. I'm not going to force myself to create anything. I'm not going to nag myself or get down on myself. I create what I create. I paint what I paint. 

I am also in a newer financial situation. For the first time in about ten years its not imperative that I sell art each month. My rent is affordable now.

Though I no longer get government assistance with food, I am at least able to budget the same amount I used to get so that my food purchases don't need to change just because the money source did. Well, I shouldn't say I don't get foodstamps any longer. I get $15.00 each month for food from the government. I look at that number and just laugh. How did they come to that amount? I knew with rent so low I'd lose quite a few foodstamps but $15 is insulting. Even so, things are much easier now, financially speaking. Things got bad for a minute there. 

Dr. D wanted to know if the subject matter of my art will change with stresses lower and with my goal of fun in mind. No. I doubt it. My art changes when something emotional happens in my life. The subject of my art changes when an alter paints instead of me or that alter is in therapy. Michelle (age 12) is taking some of the time for her stuff our in office sessions. Robert used to do that but hasn't since we got sick last time. He's sort of in a managerial position inside and is doing his very best to keep us all on the same page with things running smoothly. He's busy keeping us sane, taking meds and dealing with CNA stuff. I'm happy to see he's sketching and painting in the book. I'll scan that next week. For now I just have black and white ink work which is art worked on by several of us. I have no intention of adding color. 

  • black white african fma Sundrip

This goal of creative fun is of interest to me because it comes at the tail end the honeymoon of my post hospitalization. I can tell I'm still very shocked and traumatized by what happened so it interests me that I would say I just want to have some fun. I don't want to worry about producing something worthy of showing on the blog. I want the weight of my own criticism and expectations to no longer crush my creative process and enjoyment. I want to go with the flow more. I don't want to see this as my job. Yeah, it is my job. I paint and sell my artwork and dolls. This is my employment, but never should I burden myself or load myself with unreachable expectations. So, lets see what stress I can throw off in 2019. Lets see if I can allow myself to have some creative fun. 

Because my plate is full and I'm a bit overwhelmed with life, I've only set the one creative goal for 2019. I usually do three but not for the coming year. 

Jordan

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Published on 2 Comments on Anxiety and Fight or Flight

Storied
Storied

I understand that my biological response to many things is still as if my body is fighting like when I was abused or when I was having medical trauma from a young age. My adrenal system fights so hard, as if it has to, still. All that adrenaline causes anxiety because I'm still trying to run despite there being no where to run. I feel trapped in my anxiety.

I sometimes respond strong emotionally when I don't mean to.

Right now I'm feeling very stressed by things: stressed about the CNA situation and about not having frogs. I know it sounds so insane that I'd be stressed without frogs but I'm stressed without something to care for, fuss over and love. There's nothing here to love! ...continue reading "Anxiety and Fight or Flight"

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Published on 2 Comments on I’m Not Crazy Yet

I knew who i was this morningIt's been one of those days where all I've done is sleep and paint. I got in a good meal, sat down at the table with candle light and everything, yet my heart is desperate and forlorn.

I want to cut. I wont but the desire is there to shred my arms up.

When I don't paint I don't cope. Painting is a huge coping skill for me. Now that I've started painting again I've started feeling more. I felt a lot before but was sort of holding up a wall to shield myself from it. ...continue reading "I’m Not Crazy Yet"

Published on Leave a comment on See Volumes. Art Confidence.

See VolumesI'm hesitant to publish work like this because of the dark lines and how packed it is, full of images, but it represents my head in an accurate way. It shows the full, always thinking, always moving, nearly manic thought processes inside my head. Why would I hesitate to post that type of truth in art but feel free to do so in words? I don't fear any kind of judgement with words I use. I don't expect anyone to tell me to lighten up or make my words pretty, but I can't seem to forget those who have told me to do that with my art.

Posting it is a way of shutting up the negativity in my head. I like this piece. I like the activity in it. I like the color against the black. I like the twists in it. I like the orange and I like the hidden people at the top, on the left side and at the bottom. I'm posting it and my head can just shut up about it! ...continue reading "See Volumes. Art Confidence."

Published on Leave a comment on Barter: Art for Ink

Needed: HP 61 Black Ink Cartridge for HP desk jet 1512. Will trade for art.

See Amazon wish list for specific details on the cartridge.
www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/22P3DQ2HFF80Y/

Email me for barter details. Contact info is on the sidebar. 🙂

Thanks,
Faith

Published on Leave a comment on Art for art’s sake

SOLD

SOLD

I changed my tea painting and added a short
quote. I couldn't help myself. I like it better this way. I think it would look great in an all white frame but there wasn't one on the framing program used.

"Where there's tea there's hope" is a small painting of 4 inches by 6 inches. It's created in watercolor and ink and is on 98lb paper. The details on the flower and cup are easier to see in person.

I've also been playing with acrylic and rubbing alcohol. I cleaned my brushes of acrylic paint on a 4 x 7 piece of cardstock then went back and treated the paper with the 91 percent alcohol. I sprayed some it as well as dropped some. I swirled the paper and let it drip until I saw a pattern I liked.

I can save this textured abstract piece for later as pull art or for a collage. I could add a small cut out from my huge stash. Who knows what the cut out would be. I've got everything from figures to flowers to trees and animals, all from art that didn't work out but that had parts worth saving. I use my x-acto knife and save what can be saved for projects just like this. The other thing is, I can leave it just the way it is and frame it as a temporary piece of art just to look at for a little while. I tend to do that. I switch up art on a wall in the living room making the wall an ever changing, energized display of color and texture.

Here are a few pieces in currently hanging in my living room on the art wall.

Faith

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Published on 1 Comment on The Unexpected Violin

The Little ViolinistIt was to be a little girl in a red dress but it didn't quite turn out that way.

I realized early on that I am attached emotionally to this painting and that I wish to keep it for myself. Knowing I'm color sensitive, I changed the bright colors to those I can hang on my wall and see regularly. I had to tone it down.

As I toned down bright colors, I decided to allow the turquoise hair to be wild, almost crazy. I put a layer of brown over the skin but other colors still come through. As I scratched along adding turquoise and dark orange instead of bright yellow and bright red, I caught of glimpse of this wild girl holding a violin. And that's the moment the painting changed from emotion I could handle to a complete stand still. ...continue reading "The Unexpected Violin"

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