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I'm not flexible. I try to be but I'm not. Change has never been something I could deal with well. My mind all but rejects the idea of change as if it were a disease.

My mother used to tease me saying she was going to change the color of her hair. Oh the idea was so distressing to me that I'd beg her not to. Then I found out she was harassing me by saying it so I kept my distress under cover. It was hard not to say anything, to keep it inside.

My inability to handle change gets worse as I get older. I wish it wasn't the case. The smallest change sends me into anxiety that I try to get under control. I wish I could say it's going to be worked on and get better but it seems to be part of me like eye color.

CNA news. She's gone. The latest one who made me uncomfortable in my own home is gone. I couldn't handle it anymore. One major thing is that she didn't want to work but preferred to sit in the chair and mess around on her laptop. The CNA brought her laptop! She had no intention of working. She preferred to use her phone to face time her boyfriend in prison!

I understand that not everyone has the same life experiences. But I believe many different lives can coexist if superiority and inferiority complexes don't interfere.

This CNA says I think I'm better than others and attempted to give me a reality check by listing off all the things that classify me as poor. My modest home and low income were high on the list of her class distinctions. I'm poor. I should remember it and that I'm not better than her. That was the message I heard but roundly reject.

I am financially impoverished. My home is very humble but people who come through my door are treated equally. They are treated well. And if you have a meal in my home you should expect it to be cost effective but served with love, for it is aptly said; Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love Than a steak where there is hatred.

My imperfections glare daily and make me feel so broken at times but I really do try. I try to roll with the punches, make concessions and think before I speak. I'm actively working on things like patience and mildness as well as being a better listener and showing empathy and warmth to others. I actively work on these qualities daily and believe I can improve. I hope it shows when halfway normal situations arise such as the small dinner party I'm having here with friends soon.

I have invited over a small family to tea. I really like them a lot and look forward to having them.

The Blessing. Last but not least. I have been given a wonderful blessing. A different small family came to my home and said, "Faith, our family decided we are going to provide your CBD oil each month." I was handed an envelope with $50 cash and told to spend it on CBD oil, which I promptly did. I am a blessed woman.

I am writing this as a record.

I'm appalled by what took place in my home from 8am to 3pm. There's no excuse for the CNA company to have sent me a temp aide who is blind and can only use one hand! This is who they sent to assist a person in a wheelchair who needs help cooking, showering and cleaning.

The CNA today could not do breakfast because she is blind and could not see the stove. No breakfast. She takes good instructions so I was able to walk her through putting chicken in the crockpot. I got my first meal today at 5pm.

There was no shower. She could not sweep the kitchen floor or run the vacuum because she could not see to do it. She attempted to do the dishes but left food on them.

The young lady is as sweet as pie. She was calm, polite and respectful of my things. My cat Joey liked her, too. However, she can't return because she is not capable of caring for my needs. My regular aide will return tomorrow. She has her own set of issues so extreme it makes my heart hurt.

I called my CICOA worker to report the newest action by the aide company. She informed me that the new aide company will contact me after the holidays.

Dr D and I talked about how necessary it is to have an aide but that I should not expect to get the perfect situation. I believe this current company is going for the perfect storm. What I want from the new company is a different gene pool. No, I don't expect a good CNA, just a tolerable situation. This particular company has provided nothing but intolerable situations and pure insanity.

Jordan

1

Lizzy is 11 inches long and is sweet as pie with her dimples and wide, beautiful eyes. Her dress is made of cotton and her hair is black, textured yarn with two white bows.

Lizzy is an art doll made of hand painted cotton fabric. Her bottom is filled with polyester fiber beads allowing her to sit on her own. Her arms are posable.

Please visit my Etsy shop at www.Sundrip.etsy.com for purchase or contact me at Sundripjournals@gmail.com for a PayPal order.

NOTE: This doll is not meant to be a toy. She is a shelf sitter.

Thank you for visiting SUNDRIP - Art for Life

Faith šŸ˜Š

This Black Folk handmade ragdoll sits properly and proudly while displaying a bun with a vintage butterfly hat pin. Star was painted from head to toe with acrylic paint over cotton fabric. Trim and other small details have been added in gold on her reddish-brown, checked dress. Her hair is textured yarn. She is 15 inches tall.

Star will make a beautiful addition to your doll collection. Please visit my Etsy shop at www.Sundrip.etsy.com. To purchase through PayPal please contact me at Sundripjournals@gmail.com.

NOTE : Only one doll is included and that is the doll on the right in the photo. The hat pin does not close at the end but is not exposed. This doll is not meant to be a toy. She is a shelf sitter.

1

Several walls got knocked down. I need to figure out how to build them up with security but also openness.

Dr D and I talked about how I now see life as before and after the hospitalization. It's as if it blew a hole in the middle of my life, my reality and sense of self to the point that I struggled to pick up and move forward. Today we talked about building with fallen blocks and reproducing what I can and reinventing what is broken.

My goals have to be a bit different for now. I don't have the physical ability I had before the hospitalization and amputation. I now require daily inhome assistance and spend more time in bed than not. Life with a helper will continue to be tumultuous and stymied while the rest of my existence begs to move forward.

How do I build a new life? I honestly thought that was the question I needed to answer, but I don't need to start a new life. I've got so much of the old still. I've got all my experiences, my hopes and wishes still intact. Those were not amputated. Oh, it feels like everything was, like that hospitalization crushed my bones. But really, all of the true me is still here. The parts that fell apart, that broke during that long 5 months can be mended or worked with in pieces. There is no need to "start over."

We talked about fearing that the art in me was somehow lost during the trauma. It's not lost though, I simply don't trust enough to paint. I'm vulnerable when I paint. I'm the most exposed when I paint. Even if no one sees the work there's still great vulnerability because I have to deal with all the emotions brought on by art. Color, curves, certain images like the sun and stars bring up strong emotion. Right now I don't trust what emotions might come up during a painting session and if I can handle it without losing my mind, literally losing it. I'm hanging on by a thread sometimes so asking myself to let go and paint is asking a lot. The art has to be inside, I'm just afraid to touch it.

Where does this leave me? What do I do about my little shop, about creating to sooth myself? We discussed doll making and how I can create dolls without the emotional strain I feel when painting. Why? Lack of bright, emotional colors, a controlled surface and because I know what to expect with the dolls. No surprises. From beginning to end, unlike a painting, the doll has been planned and has significantly fewer risks. I enjoy doll making and will focus on that aspect of my creative flow with the goal of increasing skill, increasing business and self confidence. I can work at this goal and use the building blocks I had before the hospitalization, before things fell apart. I'll use those fallen bricks to mend my walls as I move forward and through this stage in life.

Faith

3

I finished my neighbor's doll today. She's 24 inches and has beautiful, long, black hair. She's got tiny pearl earrings and a small white bow in her hair.

In the works are 3 rabbits left to complete and one doll. I need to photograph the two other dolls and they will then be in my Etsy shop.

Keep a look out for more dolls and stuffed animals in my Etsy shop at www.Sundrip.etsy.com.

See you there,

Faith

2

My therapist and CICOA worker and I are in agreement that the current CNA, the one who just got here, is not a good match for long-term care for me. Despite liking her, there are very poor life decisions that are being made that will affect my household. While I will not pass judgment on some of the participants in her life story, I do feel it necessary to separate myself from her and the company that hired her, and the CNA before her.

I have left out the very sensitive (sorted and disturbing) details given to me directly by the CNA herself because I worry about offending some. I want to handle the delicate situation ... delicately.

It's too bad the choices this 35 yr old has made and is actively making. It's sad.

So, instead of immediately firing her I will allow her to come temporarily, that is until the new company is hired. I see no reason to have the same company send yet another CNA when they seem to only hire the troubled ones..... This takes the cake though...... I will get a new CNA when the new company arrives in a week or so.

I need assistance but I don't need drama. Also, I'm learning to better set boundaries with the CNA's as well as break free from the idea that I have to take what I'm given.

Faith

The new girl is calm, generally not excitable. I like her and hope she works out for at least a few months.

I will not be the type, this time, to let abuse go until it gets crazy. As an abuse survivor I asked myself what I was doing to make the other CNA behave that way. I could tell too that I was having a very hard time saying no to her which gave her a license to run over me, and she did. I hope this girl has better boundaries than the others.

One quick thing we will have to get settled is that we will go to the store I shop at! Today she wanted to go to a Goodwill by her house where she could shop for her kids while I got what I went for. I said I need to go to a different Goodwill. She complained that it was far and had clothes for older, white people. I reminded her that the trip was for my purposes and that getting clothes for her teenage kids was secondary. She was quiet after that.

Monday I go see Dr D in his office. The CNA will take me and will complain about the distance. I'll remind her she was told we're going to this 20 mile round trip appointment every other week AND her company pays mileage.

We will go to the Kroger I want to go to, not to grocery store she wants to go to. I shop at Kroger and Walmart, much to the chagrin of my CNAs who express that I could shop much cheaper at other stores. Shut up! I shop at those two stores, leave me alone! She got on the kick today, too, about how I should go to Safeway and Aldi. (rolls eyes) I shop where I shop, leave me be.

So anyway, it was a quiet week, nothing major. Some minor irritations like which store I should go to, but other than that it was good.

I did very little work on dolls but I did get half the hair done on my neighbor's doll.

I had Korean BBQ but now I'm craving Japanese food.

Jordan

4

It's been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It's been good.

I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors.

I'm also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn't think the company would care nearly as much as they do. As a matter of fact, they have filed a grievance against her license based on verbal abuse. They also tested her and will include the test results in the grievance for when she drove me under the influence. It appears this young woman will lose her license for these egregious actions. This does not please me because she is the provider of 4 small children, but I understand that there are consequences, in this case steep ones.

Monday morning at 9am a new CNA will arrive. Lord! Help me!

My neighbor says she is grieved when she hears I have "yet again fired a CNA." She texted me this morning to say that I have sent these girls away "without hope," that I should be preaching to them. I asked her ever so politely what she knows about the privacy of my home and the conversations that take place?

Being a student of the Bible means I talk briefly about the Bible to whomever comes through my door. It is not sinful, as she suggested, to fire an employee who endangers you or who is abusive. I am not required as a Christian to take abuse like this just in case someone eventually listens to the Good News about the Christ and his father Jehovah. I am not a Christian punching bag. I am also tired of people and their judgements. If I were someone else, such guilt for firing her could make it harder to speak up next time.

I have a problem with worrying things will be seen as my fault and I'll be publicly humiliated as it comes out. I worry somehow I am responsible for the missteps and abuses of others, so I didn't need to hear that I failed these girls spiritually by sticking up for myself. That hurt but, I have to remember that neighbor has no clue what she's talking about and no right to tell me I am obligated to stick it out and give them "hope" despite knowing about the ill-treatment. Just wow.

Despite the early morning shocking words from my neighbor, it really has been a very good day.

Jordan

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