My therapist and CICOA worker and I are in agreement that the current CNA, the one who just got here, is not a good match for long-term care for me. Despite liking her, there are very poor life decisions that are being made that will affect my household. While I will not pass judgment on some of the participants in her life story, I do feel it necessary to separate myself from her and the company that hired her, and the CNA before her.
I have left out the very sensitive (sorted and disturbing) details given to me directly by the CNA herself because I worry about offending some. I want to handle the delicate situation ... delicately.
It's too bad the choices this 35 yr old has made and is actively making. It's sad.
So, instead of immediately firing her I will allow her to come temporarily, that is until the new company is hired. I see no reason to have the same company send yet another CNA when they seem to only hire the troubled ones..... This takes the cake though...... I will get a new CNA when the new company arrives in a week or so.
I need assistance but I don't need drama. Also, I'm learning to better set boundaries with the CNA's as well as break free from the idea that I have to take what I'm given.
The new girl is calm, generally not excitable. I like her and hope she works out for at least a few months.
I will not be the type, this time, to let abuse go until it gets crazy. As an abuse survivor I asked myself what I was doing to make the other CNA behave that way. I could tell too that I was having a very hard time saying no to her which gave her a license to run over me, and she did. I hope this girl has better boundaries than the others.
One quick thing we will have to get settled is that we will go to the store I shop at! Today she wanted to go to a Goodwill by her house where she could shop for her kids while I got what I went for. I said I need to go to a different Goodwill. She complained that it was far and had clothes for older, white people. I reminded her that the trip was for my purposes and that getting clothes for her teenage kids was secondary. She was quiet after that.
Monday I go see Dr D in his office. The CNA will take me and will complain about the distance. I'll remind her she was told we're going to this 20 mile round trip appointment every other week AND her company pays mileage.
We will go to the Kroger I want to go to, not to grocery store she wants to go to. I shop at Kroger and Walmart, much to the chagrin of my CNAs who express that I could shop much cheaper at other stores. Shut up! I shop at those two stores, leave me alone! She got on the kick today, too, about how I should go to Safeway and Aldi. (rolls eyes) I shop where I shop, leave me be.
So anyway, it was a quiet week, nothing major. Some minor irritations like which store I should go to, but other than that it was good.
I did very little work on dolls but I did get half the hair done on my neighbor's doll.
I had Korean BBQ but now I'm craving Japanese food.
It's been a good day. Pain has been low and stress is near zero. It's been good.
I did a little cleaning, drank some hot chocolate and talked to friends and neighbors.
I'm also feeling good about the firing of my CNA. I didn't think the company would care nearly as much as they do. As a matter of fact, they have filed a grievance against her license based on verbal abuse. They also tested her and will include the test results in the grievance for when she drove me under the influence. It appears this young woman will lose her license for these egregious actions. This does not please me because she is the provider of 4 small children, but I understand that there are consequences, in this case steep ones.
Monday morning at 9am a new CNA will arrive. Lord! Help me!
My neighbor says she is grieved when she hears I have "yet again fired a CNA." She texted me this morning to say that I have sent these girls away "without hope," that I should be preaching to them. I asked her ever so politely what she knows about the privacy of my home and the conversations that take place?
Being a student of the Bible means I talk briefly about the Bible to whomever comes through my door. It is not sinful, as she suggested, to fire an employee who endangers you or who is abusive. I am not required as a Christian to take abuse like this just in case someone eventually listens to the Good News about the Christ and his father Jehovah. I am not a Christian punching bag. I am also tired of people and their judgements. If I were someone else, such guilt for firing her could make it harder to speak up next time.
I have a problem with worrying things will be seen as my fault and I'll be publicly humiliated as it comes out. I worry somehow I am responsible for the missteps and abuses of others, so I didn't need to hear that I failed these girls spiritually by sticking up for myself. That hurt but, I have to remember that neighbor has no clue what she's talking about and no right to tell me I am obligated to stick it out and give them "hope" despite knowing about the ill-treatment. Just wow.
Despite the early morning shocking words from my neighbor, it really has been a very good day.
"Take your stump and lay down." It was said so cold and cruelly by my CNA. Somehow she thought it was funny. I didn't. The words seared my heart, blocking a way to forgiveness.
There were a multitude of offenses like that which lead up to today's firing. She had been here several months but in that time she managed to offend me deeply and break rules that everyone knows shouldn't be broken.
I had to tell my CNA that she can't drive me while high on Marijuana. I have nothing against pot, but driving under the influence of anything is dangerous. Monday I had an appointment to see my therapist in his office. I made it but I found out she was high. She admitted it!
In addition to driving high, she was constantly calling me stupid. She said she was joking but she constantly said, "Shut up stupid." Hurtful crap! So today I made the decision that enough is enough. You can't sit with headphones and ignore me. You can't come to work high. You can't laugh at how I walk or call me "daddy" like you asked. She is so inappropriate. No kind of manners whatsoever!
Today she showed up with McDonald's breakfast and ate it at my table (on the clock) BEFORE getting up to make my breakfast. She had me wait until she was finished. Really? Basically she was angry because I stopped providing breakfast and lunch. I stopped because if she can't respect me I'm sure not going out on a limb for her.
Feeding her was my fault. I eat better if someone eats with me so I fed her if she didn't bring her own food. Well she stopped bringing her own food so next thing you know, I'm providing two meals. Well, I cut her off. No food. No more homemade wine. Right now I've got so little food until the 3rd that I seriously considered asking a friend for a little assistance! Pathetic! Pathetic!! The cat has everything he needs. He's good to go. I'm struggling at my own fault.
My CICOA person will call tomorrow to set me up with a new company. I don't expect much but I have learned a thing or two from this experience. Give an inch and they'll take a mile.
We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I'm not a very flexible person. I'm not spontaneous, don't like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about being able to find a way to enjoy life with a lion lurking around.
I was encouraged by the Oncologist the other day to keep moving forward and let them worry. He wants me to leave it with the doctors and as he said, "Keep shooting yourself." In other words, keep taking the shots! He's so funny, and so positive.
Dr. D and I discussed the financial side of chronic illness and how that can bring added stress. I'm doing a lot better about getting dolls finished. I've got one near completion and another well along. There are 3 total in the works with 2 being commissions. I've also completed one painting and am working on others. This should help add more to my Etsy shop for extra income.
We also talked about my own inner child doll. I was unable to hold her or even look at her much but now she's out in the open and I just love her. Dr D asked how I feel about the little girl I once was. The first word to pop in my head was "respect." I have great respect for her and what she was forced to survive. Not only did she survive abuse, she was living with Lupus since age ten! That little girl fought hard to live. I have nothing but respect for her.
Dr D noted the change in tone and emotion for my child self. A few years ago I hurt for her immensely. Before that I was angry at her vulnerability. I was stuck on anger for a long time. I remember the humiliations like they were yesterday and thought she should have done something different to make my mother love me. I blamed her. As I move further along in healing I see so clearly what the child self had to endure. I think having an inner child doll helped me see my young self as little, defenseless, innocent. In my head I couldn't see me as young but for some reason the doll gave me something to relate my size to. Well, it worked. I see in my head a tiny kid and I have great respect for her.
This is my first biracial handmade ragdoll with long curly hair that can be combed.
My Oncologist /Hematologist is such a positive doctor. Today he again told me I'm a walking miracle and that I should not worry about the future. He said to keep taking the medications, keep my appointments and move forward. He said if it happens again we'll deal with it. He explained what the doctors would do to try to save the leg and again impressed upon me the importance of taking meds every single, solitary day without fail. I assured him that I don't miss, ever! I understand the importance of it and understand what he went through to get my insurance to pay for it. I'm 100% compliant.
I was very encouraged after seeing him.
My Oncologist is a positive spirit whereas the Surgeon is very kind hearted yet a realist with a blunt side. It's obvious he cares, he was there for me during my whole hospitalization, day in, day out. But he's a realist and sometimes gives medical news with a very clinical tone, forgetting I have to live with that news. Anyway, they work great together and complement one another nicely. I'm happy to have them on my care team
In lighter news. I may need to give up Swiss coffee. Omg. A friend of mine gave me some Swiss coffee in the morning and the caffeine content was so high that I didn't sleep that night. Wow! The coffee was excellent but I was so wired it wasn't even funny. Switzerland, what did you do to that coffee?
It's still a bit difficult to reach out, but I did with a friend this evening. I told her what the surgeon's prognosis is. I decided to risk and tell her that for an hour or so each morning I struggle with the feeling that it was pointless to wake up. It takes a good self talk to get up and live.
In addition to talking to myself about living, I'm trying my best to complete a few dolls that my neighbor ordered. When I went to look for my patterns I discovered they had all been thrown away back when the whole hospitalization happened. I was rather upset to lose them but I have to remember that anything that was lost to the trash is replaceable. Today I ordered new patterns. Lord knows I couldn't afford it but I went ahead and did it so I can get back to making dolls and bag holders. I don't want to put off doll making any longer.
I was able to go to the Kingdom Hall tonight. Boy was it helpful to worship in person and to see everyone. It was really good.
Here is a picture of Joey taking over my favorite blanket. Lol. Joe is very different from my old kitty Mary Jane.
I have to remember not to measure him by other pets. I just need to let his light shine without conditions. He's a good boy. He doesn't eat my plants or destroy anything. He doesn't bother me when I sleep and he uses the box without exception. He's quiet, loving, friendly and eats whatever you put in front of him. He really is a good boy. I just adore him.
It's time to sip ginger wine and go to sleep next to my furry buddy. ❤️
Part of me just wants to curl up in bed and do nothing. I just want to get in a little ball and sleep. There's stuff to be done but I sure don't want to move from this spot.
Tomorrow is therapy. I wish I was going in instead of talking to him on the phone. I'm clinging to him right now.
I keep wanting to reach out to people but I don't. I don't know why. I know better than to isolate. It doesn't help at all.
I know I'm depressed and frightened by the news from the doctor. I'm down because of not being able to get pain meds but one really good thing is that I have cbd oil covered for October. I don't have to worry about that at all. October will certainly be tight, but I'll have all my needs met.
Though I shouldn't stay in bed much longer, it is nice to snuggle with my buddy Joey Schmoey. 😁❤️
I think tomorrow life gets back to normal. My regular CNA has been off sick with the flu for a week. Poor girl. During that time I've had hit and miss care with a period of 2 hours for 3 days. No CNA but for 2 hrs out of 3 days can be rough, but I think she'll be back tomorrow. Let's hope.
I need a shower and a hot cup of tea. The reality is, I'm going to lay here w my warm 7up and fuzzy cat.
I decided to draw a little line drawing with my funky triple lead colored pencils to depict all those "what if" roads I've been going down. It's not a great photo but the idea is there. It's a drawing of roads going everywhere, fast.
What if I die in my sleep? What if I only get a few months more? What if the doctor is wrong and they somehow save me again? What if I live with this and Lupus for a really long time? What if I defy the odds, again? What if I don't?
All what if roads lead to nowhere. I figure when I start obsessing again that I'll pull out the paints or pencils and do a "what if" line drawing. This is my second. It's helpful to put it on paper and get it out of my head.