I've had a few quiet days at home alone because my regular CNA is out. It's been peaceful.
I hate to use words like peaceful then mention small moments with tea concerning my life, at the same time as the news reports more than 50 people have been murdered by a gunman in New Zealand.
So I'm sipping fine orchid tea from my favorite mug and my heart can't even smile. There is no peace, and there hasn't been since this early morning when I first heard about it.
After I heard the sheer volume of terror caused I did what others did. I goggled "does New Zealand have the death penalty?" No, they do not have this barbaric penalty. But right now my heart turns to barbarism and asks why he and his accomplices should live when they have changed the lives of so many people forever? Sometimes the death penalty seems right. Barbarism is what he played out on the world and I'm wondering if a News Zealand prison is harsh enough for him or should he be transferred to San Quentin in California?
I think what shocks me too is that it's New Zealand. Had it been Sweden, France, G. B. London, the United States, it wouldn't leave a question mark. But, New Zealand? Really?
Active shooters are such a part of American culture that even the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses has been given instructions on what to do. When we went over active shooter information at my congregation my heart blead! The thought of someone walking into the house of my God with a weapon hurts deeper than words can express! How dare anyone ever defile a place of worship with hatred?
I shake my head to throw off understanding that some people have no respect for life and that hate is what they feed on. I shake my head.
I'm going to sip my favorite tea today and dig deep to find my inner peace. Whatever peace is in my heart, whatever calm and hopeful feeling I find, I'm going to accept because I'm going to need it. The day is early.
Shortly before my 6:30 alarm goes off I've had a minute to myself. I've stolen it from internet time, texting, phone conversations and world events. It's a moment to recharge and get ready for the 6:30 alarm clock and the few tasks that follow.
I let the alarm continue until it turns itself off 20 min later. It's set to play a 20 min segment of a lecture which helps me get lessons deeper in my head.
While listening I down evening meds, which is the main reason the alarm is set. I also take the time to mist the frog tanks, mist the crickets, turn off the plant lights and now feed the dog his dinner.
Six thirty is a transition from focusing primarily on outside issues to personal care. My creative juices start really flowing. I paint, sew or do something else creative. There are times when I'm not done with volunteer work and I need longer to finish up, but usually the alarm clock signals a change from 'you' to me.
Part of 'me' time includes walking the dog and interacting with him. He's an emotional guy so today I gave him a back massage and brushed him longer than usual. He did well with it. I love how much he stays beside me.
Even though I need space too, I need a way to get out of my own head. I need help out of the vacuum. Paying attention to pets helps with this.
Although there's much to do with deadlines to meet , this is by many standards a slow pace life. It gets even slower at the sound of the alarm.
I'm behind on everything. Today I need to complete some reading and write a few things up. I also need to clean my studio area so I can start a painting that is now 10 days behind schedule. The good thing is, I know what I'm painting. There's no need to stress over it.
I'm stressing over the light bill. In 7 days time it's due and I don't have but twenty dollars to my name. It worries me. I don't think I've been in this position in a very long time. I'm going to keep painting, keep sewing and keep praying that my needs will get met. Yeah, I'm worried. ...continue reading "Damage Control and Tea Time"
We talked about the grieving process. I haven't been emotional in front of people, which may make me seem cold to her passing. It's been more private and I'm certain it'll stay that way. I'm running, that's for sure. I need distractions; I have them.
One distraction is the mean streak of Betty. I could go on and on about Betty but why? Until I change it, there's no reason to go on and on. The woman is a constant problem.
I told Dr. D that I'm working on getting different transportation to the store on Tuesday's but that I have real problems in cars. The only place I'm terribly claustrophobic and scared is in a car. I need to know I can get out and I need to know the person behind the wheel won't attack me physically. I need to know they aren't going to start hitting me, slapping me, threatening to drive into on coming traffic, won't scream "I'm killing us all" followed by driving off the road to wreck the car. (Times like this make me think I hate my mother.) ...continue reading "TR: Jane. Pain. Alternative Medicine"
Jane is having a much better day. She ate twice and kept it down. I've held her twice and carried her around once as she laid on my shoulder. I've moved my laptop and a few handy art supplies out here to the living room where Janie has been staying. This way we can spend a little more time together.
I've eaten one sandwich in the last 24 hours. Despite the hour I'm going to log off and eat a salad.
My head is full. I think of what's happening and suddenly I can't breathe so I throw the subject out of my head and start cleaning. I've cleaned obsessively and at times with such energy that I hit my hand on things because I over shot the distance with force. I'm to the point of washing my walls....I'm climbing the walls with this anxiety. ...continue reading "Overload. Finding Tea."
My right leg is still swollen but it doesn't hurt nearly as much as it did yesterday. I'm still wearing compression socks.
I fell asleep shortly after writing my last entry. I've been sleeping for a very, very long time, all day and night. I got up to use the restroom. I got up to feed the cat and take medication, other than that I've been sleeping. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
I went for an orange and got distracted. I cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors. I had an orange, water and some tea.
Yesterday evening was scary because I wasn't sure I'd wake up today. I jotted a quick note to my friend Snow and closed my eyes. The leg was really bad yesterday.
One of the best things for edema is activity. I need to increase blood flow. I also need to be conscious of what I eat. I don't take a lot of sodium but at this time it's best to be even more careful with it. My stretches will be important. My vascular issues are Lupus related which means the root of the problem is in my blood and immune system. If I am to have any impact on this I'll have to do it from the inside out. I have to get that turmeric, ginger and black pepper back in me on a regular basis. I have to get cinnamon and garlic back in me as well as organic honey. These are vital. Funny how I can now see how vital it is after having stopped regular intake for nearly two months. ...continue reading "Lupus and edema. Dignity in life. Finding light."
The problem is that I'm embarrassed. Today will be my firs session with Dr. D after his vacation and after my closest support system has returned from Ohio. I took 2 milligrams of Klonopin about an hour ago. I think it laughed at me.
I'm going to talk to Dr. D about being fired by my general practitioner. It'll be a phone session which will be easier to say, but I'll be in his office on the 9th.
I wanted to write the old GP a letter but I'm not sure what it would say. Then I thought, write one but don't send it. Then I thought, I'm not writing a letter to a man that assisted in destroying our working relationship.
It crossed my mind very briefly to write a letter asking that he reconsider. I just got abandoned by a jerk, dropped on my head with the legal 30 day notice, but still dropped on my head. My abandonment issues have been touched. Lord knows I should have left that private practice the first time I saw him. After that appointment I never should have gone back, but desperation is a constant companion to those with a chronic illness and we put up with a lot of crap in the name of hope. Despite the fact that he was a jackass for two years, despite leaving his office in tears repeatedly, I am embarrassed that I got sacked as a patient. ...continue reading "High Anxiety Art – The Embarrassed Patient"
I arrived at the dentist office and had two teeth ripped out of my face. Right now I have a headache behind my right eye and in my jaw, the same headache that brings me to tears and that isn't touched by 10-325 Vicodin.
I've put cold packs on and have laid in the dark. Mary Jane wants nothing to do with me a I turn this way then readjust that way. As a matter of fact, she's asleep in front of the mirror. Talk about vanity. She's sleeping next to an image of her furry self. I'd like to sleep.
Out of frustration for the pain I decided I needed to get out of the house. This is the type of pain I want to run from. It's gnawing, aching, pulsating. It dies down then increases to fill the entire right side of my face and on to the shoulder. I was put on much stronger antibiotics. The extractions hurt so badly!!! The dental situation wasn't done by my regular surgeon because this was an emergency appointment.
The highlight of my week has been to getting poison oak. I'm not upset about it, not really. I've got it on my neck and under my chin as well as on my right hand. I've been doing alcohol rinses and so it should calm down pretty soon. I was outside looking for a garden snail, but I can't find one anywhere. I want a garden snail as a pet for a terrarium I have all set up for it. I can't find a snail but I did find poison oak. oops.
I have one emergency dental appointment tomorrow to manage some of the issues that have come up. Tomorrow I won't see my regular dental surgeon but a different man and his nurses. I'm nervous about this because I won't know them. Having a familiar face in the room is helpful. At least with this appointment we fast track the dental saga as a whole. It's possible I'll only have two more appointments with my regular dentist after this.
My body is not managing the saga well at all. I'm very, very tired. The emotional stress of going in slashes at my ability to function during for days after the appointment.