Part of me just wants to curl up in bed and do nothing. I just want to get in a little ball and sleep. There's stuff to be done but I sure don't want to move from this spot.
Tomorrow is therapy. I wish I was going in instead of talking to him on the phone. I'm clinging to him right now.
I keep wanting to reach out to people but I don't. I don't know why. I know better than to isolate. It doesn't help at all.
I know I'm depressed and frightened by the news from the doctor. I'm down because of not being able to get pain meds but one really good thing is that I have cbd oil covered for October. I don't have to worry about that at all. October will certainly be tight, but I'll have all my needs met.
Though I shouldn't stay in bed much longer, it is nice to snuggle with my buddy Joey Schmoey. 😁❤️
I think tomorrow life gets back to normal. My regular CNA has been off sick with the flu for a week. Poor girl. During that time I've had hit and miss care with a period of 2 hours for 3 days. No CNA but for 2 hrs out of 3 days can be rough, but I think she'll be back tomorrow. Let's hope.
I need a shower and a hot cup of tea. The reality is, I'm going to lay here w my warm 7up and fuzzy cat.
Where are my coping skills? Where is my ability to handle my health issues?
I wish I could say I am emotionally better than the last time I was in the hospital but I'm not. I'm just as shocked and stunned asking, is this really my life? Seriously, they were going to take the rest of my foot had Dr L and his team not come in and said you're looking at this wrong. I am shocked at how close I came to more pain! That's what I'm afraid of, the pain. And I'm stuck in the fear of hospitalization trauma. I'm stuck.
How many journal entries can I write where I talk about my health? So I write yet another bc my platelets are low. I'm physically exhausted! I'm emotionally exhausted from the up and down, from the constant medical crisis... one after the other.... I'm just exhausted. And I'm stuck in fear and shock. Can I get through next week without some health issue, please?
I can't seem to get my emotional footing. How do I do that when there's so little time between crisis? Due to health issues it feels like I stay in fight or flight. I keep waiting for the other shoes to fall. How do I breathe again? How do I feel calm inside and trust the moment? I fear becoming bitter!
I've not drawn in a month. Nothing at all. I don't even have art supplies by my bed anymore and I don't care. I have a ton of supplies, no shortage here, but there is no drive. Let me sleep, that's all I seem to want to do.
I don't tell my friends these things in detail. I have tried to tell a few but they seem shocked. They say stuff like, I'm so encouraged by you or you dealing with a lot and you do it so well. I know that's supposed to be positive but I can't reconcile it with how I feel. I am devistated and lost and afraid and tired of crisis after crisis.
Where is Faith? Where am I? I miss the girl who could find light in just about anything.