Category: OCD

The Damage. The Appreciation.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

My kidneys are weak but not dead. That’s great news. I’m drinking 64oz of water a day, doctor’s orders. As long as I add a bit of fruit to the water I really don’t mind at all.

I’m in a decent amount of pain because of the inflammation and the rash associated with kidney disease. Who knew the skin could be affected so negatively when the kidneys go down hilll? My back has a nice rash and my legs get so dry that I flake like Tony the Tiger. It’s not great!

There’s been zero art. I look forward to painting in the new place. The new place will also bring two new caregivers because the one I liked so much wasn’t able to continue. In the new place I’ll have a female in the morning and a male aide in the evening. After him I’ll have a person for five hours until midnight. I have overnight care. They’ll lock the door and return in 9 hours.

All that so I can live independently. I appreciate it.

Now for tea.

Today’s Endurance

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I screamed myself awake, and possibly my neighbors, around 6 this morning. I don’t exactly remember the dream. I just remember it was horrible and I was terrified. I was kicking and screaming. But I didn’t catch it on camera because my camera wasn’t set up. I hate that.

I wish I had caught that on camera so I can see what I was doing before and what I was doing after. I would like to have seen Joe’s reaction. After much struggling I finally had the camera set up so we’ll see how tonight goes.

Today has been really difficult. I have been scattered brained. I’ve messed up just about everything I’ve touched; everything I touched broke today so I’m pretty annoyed.

It’s just one of those days so I decided to list things that are good in my life. I listed five things that are blessings in my life because if not then it was just going to be an overwhelming day of sadness that seemed all for nothing. So I did, I came up with five things. I’m happy I was able to pause and go , okay listen, endurance is for a reason. It’s not to see who can suffer a long time, endurance has a purpose for the issues. That purpose is what I’m fighting for.

Here is a plant corner in my studio apartment that I enjoy.

Joe has been put on a different food by the vet. He’s been taken off his meds and he’s doing very well. His skin looks sooo much better. The boy’s actually kinda got an attitude now. He’s still Super Service Cat like no other but wow is he mouthy. 🙂

I’m down to two breathing treatments a day. My lungs still hurt very much from whatever chemical was in my apartment. I was in the hospital twice over it. Yuck. That’s part of the, “endurance is for a purpose” entry.

Lastly, I missed my OCD meds for a week. Life is hard right now. Prior Authorization and such took a bit. I finally got them after a full week. I can feel the difference. It hurts.

Until soon,

Faith Magdalene

The Crooked Tea Cup – Chatter Art

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I take pen to paper and near violently sketch, in order to manage obsessive thoughts and counting. The Etsy painting expresses anxiety building that I needed to manage.

I paint what’s swirling in my head, marching, counting or popping. Art helps manage the symptoms and situation. 

When focused, I’ll express how I feel in bright colors next to black lines, and upside down flowers without uttering a single word.

This painting is 5.5×8.5 inches on watercolor paper, unmounted, signed, sealed

“The Crooked Tea Cup” – Arrows direct the path I should take;  paranoia is her guide.

Please see my Etsy shop for this raw art original.

Faith

One Shot. Roll On.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Today part of me just mourned the loss of the old CNA that I really liked, the one who said I’m not disabled. It was short lived. I’d rather go without the toxicity thank you very much!!!

This head is tired.

I spoke with the owner who reassured me that she’s looking for a quality aide for me, not just anyone.

I’ve bombed on the meet and greet twice bc I gave too much info about OCD and scared qualified candidates; one I didn’t much like but would have worked with, the second I really, really like. Can I get a do over?

This whole one shot thing is horrible! You get one short interview with a person to see if you can work with them.

I’ve forgotten how the regular employed world works. You go to interviews, sell yourself in an hour then leave. One shot! Gracious! Oh my brain.

I’m trying to get it right, trying to do everything right. Why can’t I get it right?

Today I had to remind myself of my self worth because it recently tanked. I don’t assign my self worth, God does. He loved everyone enough to allow his son as ransom, including me. So get up Faith, shake the dirt off your shoulders.. and roll on. You got this.

desperate

Delicate Leaves – African Violet Emotional Breakdown of 2024

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Dr D asked how I was able to manage the trash three times? Honestly, it was mind bending hard. I went back three times because I felt like I’d failed or like I had something to prove. She said I threw it away to hurt her. I had to get it back.

I got a second text saying despite retrieving the plant, my efforts were not enough. It felt like I’d been punched in the chest. But that was the end of my emotional loan to the situation. It’s a plant. If she needs to go off the deep end over the plant then so be it but I’m jumping off the train. I will not argue over this. No response to texts about this mess.

This friendship isn’t over despite Dr D suggesting it might need to work towards that way. No. It needs a little break while she gets her mind right. He said, she’s going to do it again, then what? I said, yes she is, because unlike me she doesn’t have a PhD every week. This puts me at an advantage in the friendship.

As far as how I got through dealing with the trash, I planned it out. First I dressed for it. I had friends to call. I kept in mind my up coming appointment with my psychiatrist and psychologist on the same day. I have a certified nurses aide daily.

I was well covered to take the risk of going in the trash. I didn’t do it without back up or coping skills. Am I ok? No. But I’m not in hospital crisis. I’m not self harming. Things will calm down with a few art pieces and a few pots of tea.

Faith

Rough Start. Grace to End.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

When all else fails, buy flowers.

My CNA and I like each other very much. She said she’s here to stay. I believe her. But today was rough. She’s got a personal crisis. Instead of continuing to argue, right in the middle of the situation I said, I call grace. I choose to give grace.

I know something isn’t quite right. I’m not going to argue or raise my tone or question you. It’s over. I choose grace. She said nothing and got in the car to take me to the store where I found these beautiful discounted flowers.

Something very bad has happened in my aide’s life. I think I know what it is. I pray it isn’t. That’s way too hard to deal with. No flower can cover it.

Today I reassured her that I enjoy her company and like working with her. She smiled and said, I’ll see you tomorrow.

She doesn’t need nearly as much reassurance as I do.

I have a certified nurses aide with 30 years experience. I actually have quality care.

She’s African American, my age. We mesh well. We are polar opposites. My goodness she’s unorganized. Her car is so unorganized it makes me suicidal! I’ve never in my life… oh the chaos. The odd couple. But it works and it works well. I’m grateful for that.

I have prayed that I will learn a little more about humility * each time * I visit with my young Bible student or my CNA . Six days a week I’ve got an opportunity to mold myself into a better me by seeing my CNA.

I will style myself to be more gentle, slower with the heavy sarcasm, listen more, ask deeper questions, pause before I speak. I’ve got six opportunities where I can learn new skills.

My CNA may be professionally unorganized but she’s got humility down pat. There is much I intend to learn by her her. I won’t waste this opportunity.

Faith

Eating Disorder Clinic. Outpatient Care Only.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Today I started care at the eating disorder clinic for abstinence and binge eating. I didn’t feel judged at all. I didn’t feel like my size disgusted them.

I know not eating for 3 days is a problem but I didn’t realize it would be something to try to make me go inpatient for care. I said no. I’ve got too many issues. I’m better off here. Outpatient or half day care where I sleep here is fine. But I can’t go inpatient. I won’t tolerate it well.

We discussed my hatred for water except for what lives in it. I told him that when it gets on me at all I panic. It feels as if I’ll die. Like I’ll melt into a puddle of soup.

The OCD is significantly better in that it’s not ruining my life. The eating disorder is ruining my life.

Next month I see my Oncologist / Hematologist at a different clinic. I didn’t want to go to the hospital for care anymore so I’ll go to an outpatient clinic for treatment for blood clots associated with Lupus.

I can’t say enough how refreshing it is to have a good CNA! She’s been here a year. I hope she stays. 🙂

My July trip is getting closer. I’m excited! I’m making a wrap skirt with headdress and matching earrings.

This thing is huge so I’m going to make a wrap skirt and all that from this material. In general I don’t wear yellow but I’m wearing yellow in honor of my best friend who loves yellow and can’t travel to the convention center.

I’m actively saving for both trips. I don’t think I’ve been this strapped for cash in a long time. My basic needs are met but dang. Broke sums it up!

Well, for the first time ever, I’m adding a video security system to my tiny home. It’s mostly for when I’m not here. I hate that I have to do this. The world has changed. I have not changed with it nor will I. But adjustments for safety is a reasonable step to finally take.

Here’s Joe Schmoe, just for fun. My green eyed monster with an irritated look. He’s camera shy.

Faith

OCD and Eating Disorders. Art.

Posted on by F.Magdalene

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Eating Disorders occur together up to 40% of the time. My OCD and my eating disorder have gone untreated because there were other things that took first place like getting me emotionally stable so I could stay out of the psych ward, moving to stable housing, stabilizing dissociation and of course getting beyond the hospitalization in 2018. There’s always been something to push attention elsewhere.

Dr D and I have been discussing OCD regularly, and I’m still reading the OCD workbook. That’s going slowly because it’s very triggering. I discovered one of the most traumatic memories wasn’t my mother being abusive but having strong OCD symptoms for which she never sought help.

Every year when we went to Kentucky we crossed a bridge. While crossing we had to sit perfectly still for fear of triggering my mother, who said she’d drive over the edge. THAT is part of her OCD. At a reoccurring meeting, I worried I’d stand up and scream the F-word. THAT is the same kind of symptom from the disorder I inherited from her.

My mother and I share quite a few symptoms. We both need to see our belongings. I arrange and rearrange my apartment almost daily. It used to be daily. Now it’s once a week. The meds for OCD have helped me in many ways.

I keep quite a few art supplies out for two reasons; 1- easy to access 2- easy to see them, which brings me comfort.

Right now I’m having a difficult time with compulsive eating. There’s the obsessive thoughts followed by the compulsion. A box of 10 Twinkies was purchased the other day. Once the box is opened I’m compelled to eat the entire thing or risk something bad happening to me. I’m not sure what, but it happens with most packages of food. If I open it I’m compelled to eat the whole thing. I’ll eat during the day and night. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night until the item has been completely eaten. This means high calories that don’t get worked off like they used to. To make matters worse, three of my most vital medications has the side effect of increased appetite. I have that pulling on me and OCD associated eating.

There’s no strong emotion followed by binging. It’s obsessive thoughts followed by binging and compulsive eating. I don’t purge in any way though it has recently crossed my mind. I don’t want to gain more weight but I also don’t want to ever purge again, in any way.

I have to say, being in a wheelchair has increased pacing, rocking, counting and staying awake until I absolutely have to go to sleep. Then when I’m sleeping I don’t want to wake up. These may not all be OCD issues. I just recognize these behaviors in myself.

It can sometimes take

The book has really helpful information but as I said, it’s triggering because it brings back unwanted memories of my mother and her extreme behavior.

I’m unaware of aunts having OCD. As far as I know it’s in the immediate bloodline. It goes from my mother to my sister and me. It’s as disruptive in my life as dissociation.

Art

The woman feels very judged and misunderstood.

The 12×9 collage is on heavy paper and includes words and phrases cut out and strategically placed. It’s a work in progress. I’ve got to figure out what to do with the background. I started this piece today. I hope to finish it and one other piece very soon. The below piece is called The Deluge. The eating disorder piece is called Dignity.

Faith

What Keeps Me Awake – Death and Dying

Posted on by F.Magdalene

I have more trust that tomorrow will come than I did six years ago, still I live as if I’m breaths away from dying. I feel overwhelmed with the idea of dying which makes me wonder what will happen to all my plants I’ve worked so hard to nurture? Who will take my frogs if I die? Will they appreciate small moments with aquatic frogs and cute poses by the tree frogs?

And Joe, who will care for Joe? He’s 14. I’m his second home. Being passed around can be difficult.

My CNA has covid and will be gone for a bit. I was with her a day before she tested positive. I’ve consistently tested negative, as well as no fever.

You know what’s funny? I’ve got a very nice fill in but she’s not up to par with my regular CNA. Despite calling her a psychopath lol, her standard of care is significantly higher than others; this, on top of taking the time to get to know me, makes her a really good CNA.

I like the person I have right now, the cat does, too, but would she ever take the time to get to know me and work with me long term? I wonder, if I had to get a new CNA will it be difficult again? I’ve come to understand how difficult my OCD can be to work with.

I wish my regular CNA had to experience two clients before returning to me. The feeling of not knowing what you’ve got till it’s gone, goes both ways.

She most certainly has OCD though it manifests itself differently. Somehow we work well together. We’ve even sit down and talk about the books I have on OCD.

There’s a Japanese artist named Yayoi Kusama whom I relate to very well. She’s got OCD and other issues but it’s her OCD that I relate to the most.

Yayoi shamelessly paints what she sees in her head, in bright colors.

She’s known for painting dots and pumpkins.

Yayoi helped me let go of shame concerning how I express chatter in art form.

I scribble and sketch in order to process the constant talking in my head and the oppressive amount of stimulation I feel.

I have quite a few pieces of chatter art. To me, my chatter art feels different from art that I call chaos in color because the chatter has very little focus, no space unfilled, no place to rest the eyes, yet a legitimate expression of art therapy.

Yayoi spoke of feeling like the “modern day Alice in Wonderland.” I can’t count the amount of times I’ve called myself the Black Alice in Wonderland.

It feels good knowing my art has a place out here and that I don’t have to feel crazy about it. It’s ok to identify with Alice and Wonderland. It’s ok to let the art simply be a copy of inside my head, and to do so in emotive fashion.

Recently I’ve been using alcohol ink. It works well for what I’m trying express, and they travel well.

The artwork above is a combination of acrylic paint, neon acrylic paint, alcohol ink, black ink, gesso, paper.

I love how Yayoi prefers paper, too. I’m strongly considering writing to the 94 year old artist way over in Japan. She’s made a deep impression on me.

It’s encouraged when I find female artists like Yayoi and Freda Kahlo who by example, give my art legitimacy.

Tonight. I’m not sure why I’m overly stimulated. Concerns with death are extreme. Thank goodness I have plenty of art supplies.

Faith

Art and Processing Life Changes

Posted on by F.Magdalene
2023

Anxiety, her name is Faith

This last week has been trying. My head tried to take me down depression street. I needed rest from the world so I turned my phone on do not disturb for the most of the day. I’m definitely trying to take one day at a time but there’s so much from yesterday that plagues me today. Today I had yet another tooth that broke off at the gum line. Unfortunately, it’s in the front.

I have issues with dental hygiene because I can’t use toothbrushes. I can’t stand the way it feels in my mouth. The dentist gave me mouthwash but the damage to my teeth is significant. If I had it to do all over again I’d find a way to keep them healthy. How, I don’t know.

I’m painting a piece about loss and finding traction to move forward. This is much larger than usual for me. I’ve been planning a painting where the wheelchair is made of sunflowers.

detail left side

It feels like a piece that is helping me truly let go of some of these things that pain me. It’s no where near finished but working on it has helped me deal with overwhelming anxiety.

My little place genuinely feels like an art studio now that I’ve got a bunch of art in various stages of completion.

SOLD

I’m pleased that my little bag holder doll with glasses has found a home. The glasses were the final touch. 🙂

Joe Schmoe, age 14

Despite the fact that it’s not even midnight, I’m going to take a PRN and go to sleep. Joe and I need a fresher start tomorrow. Better sleep will do a lot to make tomorrow better than today. Let’s just hope I don’t need to go to the restroom every 2 hours like last night.

Dang, menopause is kicking my butt! Is my bladder the size of a pea now? In addition to menopause, my bladder is over active when I’m feeling stressed. It’s helpful to know my symptoms (over active bladder) so I can then respond appropriately; manage stress better, don’t internalize so much.

In addition to snuggling with Joe, I’m looking forward having dinner with friends, at my place, on Sunday.

Faith